Dear Employers,

It's a crime to have your employees work a full day on the day before a major holiday.

And, while we're on the subject, it should be a crime to have your employees work the day after a major holiday.

Let's face it. Unless you're in some sort of service industry, nobody is going to get any work done on the day before or after. Motivation is at a low. Holiday-related stress is at a high. C'mon, give us a break.

Here's what we say: Half-day before major holidays or before the weekend of a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, New Year's Day). Full days off after those days for recovery purposes. Mandatory. For everyone in the ol' 9-to-5 office job.

That'll keep us from rioting. Thanks!


Regards,
Everyone


Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Beatles Fans,

You're suckers.

But let's face it... We're all suckers.

We're going to go out there and buy those records and those box sets and watch the television specials and pretty much anything that says "Beatles" on it.

It's Beatlemania all over again.

[O]n Amazon’s list of top sellers, “Abbey Road” from 1969 is edging out “The Beatles,” which is followed by “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” “Revolver” and “Rubber Soul.”
[LA Times]

And the box sets are selling like hot cakes too!

Don't look now, Beatles Fans, but keep spending that hard-earned cash and you might see The Beatles kick-start this sluggish economy. (Wishful thinking).

Now before you go off and do something rash, here are some tips:

Be sure to buy the mono box set which is the way God George Martin and The Beatles intended. And then individually buy the ones that were done in stereo: "Yellow Submarine," "Abbey Road," and "Let It Be."

Then pick up the Past Masters (it combines both volumes!).

And then you're pretty much set.


Well, almost set. You definitely gotta get A Hard Day's Night and Help! on DVD, then The Beatles Anthology (book and DVD set). Then maybe you wanna pick up The Beatles: The Biography by Bob Spitz. Then maybe Larry Kane's awesome books on The Beatles. Then posters, old magazines, Beatles gear books, books on the chords and structures of the songs, chord books, Rickenbackers, solo albums. And the inevitable Beatles iPod that will come out when Beatles songs are finally sold on iTunes.

And while we're at it, where are The Rutles remasters??

Jeez. All of this is like heroin.

But the good kind of heroin where you don't die when you use a lot then build a tolerance and use more until you overdose.

Y'know, the heroin that says "Beatleroin" on it.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.




2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.




1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
3. How bad will the traffic be?
4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
5. Am I pregnant?
6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
8. How old is Labor Day?
9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Women Who Drink Beer,

Are you concerned about osteoporosis? Trust me. Everyone is. It's a big health concern.

But there's some good news for you, Women Who Drink Beer. Beer - just like milk - is good for your bones!

Women defined as "light" or "moderate" beer drinkers, covering consumption of up to 280 grams of alcohol a week - equivalent to up to five units a day, were found to have superior bone density to non-drinkers.
[BBC]

It seems as if some magical plant hormone in the beer is what's strengthening those bones.

Whatever the case, it's good to hear about another study confirming the wonder and joy of beer especially in light of the upcoming holiday. Labor Day is approaching very quickly and there have been some concerns about how much beer one should consume. Whether or not those large quantities of beer are actually good for you.

But when the BBC reports, people listen: Beer strengthens bones (i.e. It is good for you).

Honestly, there really isn't much more to say beyond that. But if you (and you Men folk as well) are not convinced then click over here to read ten more reasons why beer is good for you.

Drink to your health!


Regards,
Everyone

Bah humbug:

"There are also many other health concerns linked with alcohol which cannot be ignored." ~ Dr. Claire Bowring [BBC]

Stop being a downer, Doc.

Dear Chris Brown,

We've written time and time again about how we feel about you.

Well, you've finally been sentenced and here is your punishment for beating up chicks:

Pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced Tuesday to serve five years probation and to spend more than 1,400 hours in "labor-oriented service" for assaulting his pop star girlfriend, Rihanna.
[CNN]

We know you only hit her because you love her so much but this is what you get.

Not surprisingly, your well-documented punch-up with Rihanna wasn't the first time.

The first incident allegedly occurred about three months earlier, in Europe, when Brown and Rihanna were in a "verbal dispute," according to the report ... She slapped him and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall,the report alleged.

Three weeks before the February incident, Brown and Rihanna were in Barbados, driving a Range Rover lent to them by a local dealership when they had an argument inside the car, according to the report. Brown got out and broke both the front driver and passenger side windows, the report alleged.
[LA Times]

You would think that after watching your mother get beat up, you wouldn't go down that path.

Listen, all we gotta say is this: Chill. The fuck. Out.

You're only 20. There's plenty of time to squander your millions, grow into a curmudgeon and be angry and bitter about the world. Just chill out right now. And stop beating women. Thanks.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

When standard boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]




2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.




1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.



Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.


Regards,
Everyone

Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

Dear Vampires,

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another cash-cow cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.


Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.


You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.


Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.


"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]

Dear Heisters,

You're kind of like a shyster but better, because you're a Heister.

The smartly dressed duo went into Graff Jewellers in the upmarket Mayfair district last Thursday afternoon, threatened staff with handguns and briefly took a female member of staff hostage.
[Reuters]

It is you, "smartly dressed" Heisters, that give us faith in the fantasy.

I mean especially with movie after movie after movie about incredible heists it's reassuring to know that heisting really does take place in real life especially in digital age where heisting is probably a way bigger risk than it was before clever heist-stopping inventions like fingerprints, DNA, and video cameras were created to stop you Heisters.

I mean really, we live in a time people get caught by Google Street View jumping fences and coming out of porn shops!

So, it's nice to know that some men in this world actually have the balls to come through and really pull off a grand heist and not get caught within the first 30 seconds.

Kudos to you, Heisters.


Regards,
Everyone

Ed. Note: You know who to contact if you see those Heisters in the photo above.

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear Overdub,

Listen, we thought that Monday was going to kick us in back of the head while we weren't paying attention but then we came across this song. And this song is going to save our day:


We don't need to tell you that this song is awesome. But, Overdub, we'll say it: This song is awesome.

Radiohead's "15 Step" and Dave Brubeck's jazz classic "Take Five" seem to be the most unlikely of combinations but that's why this mashup works so well.

It takes vision and foresight and true knowledge of music to make this work as gloriously as it does.

Well, Overdub, that and we're just suckers for mashups.

Thanks again for helping out with Monday.


Regards,
Everyone

Overdub has a ton of bootlegs available for you to download. Head to the web site and check out all the awesome mashups.

To head to the Radiohead vs. Dave Brubeck mashup - "Five Step" - you can head to this page and it should be the fifth song down. Enjoy!

Dear Movies To Fall Asleep To,

Some people fall asleep with a night light. Some people fall asleep to music. Some people fall asleep with earplugs. Some people fall asleep to the city noise in the streets below.

And some people really like to fall asleep to movies.

That's us.

It has to be the right movie, though. You have to combine a soothing soundtrack (generally no pop music), a relatively slow pace, relaxing dialogue, and subtle mood changes. Old film stock tends to help too because the picture won't be as bright or flashy. The sound quality of older films are generally more even as well: There often won't be a lot of sudden loud moments that might jar you from your slumber.

So, Movies To Fall Asleep To, here is your Top 3 best movies for pre-snoozing and - ultimately - snoozing:

3. Field Of Dreams: Here's a good one. A nice late-80s movie (1989). Warm film stock. And - of course - there's James Earl Jones and his soothing voice talking about baseball and America. What a comforting, sleep-inducing moment.



2. The Godfather: Here's an absolute classic that you can snooze to. This three-hour epic has a very steady pace, a relatively sparse soundtrack, and a lot of talking. This is sure to lull people to sleep.



1. The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Here is another epic that could quite possibly be one of the best films for snoozing especially much of scenes of the Shire early in the film. Soothing music (see/listen to the YouTube clip below), Gandalf's soothing voice, rich pastoral scenes. You'll be sleeping in no time and you'll miss all that loud action at the end.




So, there you are Movies To Fall Asleep To. Of course, the trouble is that often times we associate these movies with sleep and it's nearly impossible to watch them "for reals" without falling asleep.

Oh well. Keep up the good work and keep us snoozing!


Regards,
Everyone

Honorable Mention: It's not really a movie but Planet Earth as narrated by Sir David Attenborough is fantastic to fall asleep to.

What are your favorite movies to fall asleep to?

Dear Brett Favre,

Congratulations on coming out of retirement (again) and signing with the Minnesota Vikings.

You truly are a master of many things, Mr. Favre.

Let us list some of things you've mastered over time:

• Touchdowns.
• Interceptions.
• Bringing youthful passion to the game of football at your age.
• Exciting come-from-behind victories.
• Retiring.
• Tearfully convincing us you'll never play again.
• Coming out of retirement.
• Helping your fellow man.

That's right, Brett, you are also a master of helping your fellow man.

No, we're not talking about your foundation or the charities you support.

We're talking about the asses you've saved from public embarrassment because of your constant domination of national sports news cycles.

Ass #1: Rick Pitino
The national championship winning college basketball coach, husband and father of five had sex with a woman in a Louisville, KY restaurant and then paid $3,000.00 for an abortion and then this woman tries to extort Pitino for $10 million.

This scandal would've still been front and center but you saved that ass, Favre!


Ass #2: Josh Hamilton
You know the story, Brett. Major League Baseball player Josh Hamilton famously came back from drug and alcohol addiction to get back into baseball and become a two-time MLB All-Star.

Then he relapsed.

Embarrassing pictures were recently posted online of the married Josh Hamilton carousing with women not named Mrs. Hamilton.

But guess what, Brett? You saved him from the intense public scrutiny regarding his sobriety.


Ass #3: Michael Vick
Everyone knows this story.

Vick tortured and killed dogs, served his time in jail, went bankrupt, and then the controversial quarterback was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. This was THE story of the off-season.

But now Vick can practice in relative peace while the news cameras descend upon Viking training camp.

You saved that ass, Brett!

Big Ben Roethlisberger is breathing a sigh of relief too.


Brett, you have spent many seasons carrying entire football teams on your back with your inspirational play. Now you've also carried Pitino, Hamilton and Vick!

We think they owe you, Brett.

Big time.

We're thinking you hit 'em up for a nice dinner, maybe convince 'em to get you a Komodo Dragon that you can eat for dinner, maybe have 'em help you move in to your apartment in Minneapolis, or - better yet - have 'em buy you some cool-looking (but questionably-built) product for your apartment from the new Sharper Image web site (coming soon)!


Regards,
Everyone

PS: Or maybe a Retiring ... For Dummies book.

Is there anyone worse at retiring than Brett Favre? Michael Jordan, maybe? How about Star Wars? Or maybe The Who. They hoped they died before they got old. I want to say The Rolling Stones ... But I feel like they never claimed they were ever going to retire.

Also, my dear friend Woody compares Brett Favre to his high school girlfriend. It's funny 'cause it's true. Check it out here!

Dear Paul Reubens,

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

The Pee-wee Herman Show, starring Paul Reubens, has announced an extension of its engagement at the Music Box @ Fonda in Hollywood. The production will begin previews November 8, with an opening on November 19, and a new closing date of December 20.

The stage production will be a "re-imagined" version of the show, and will feature Pee-wee regulars, including Miss Yvonne, Mailman Mike, Cowboy Curtis, and Jambi the Genie.
[Theater Mania]

Just no more pulling out your pee wee in public, ok? Cuz no one wants to see that shit.

XoXo - Feel free to recreate Blow for your next project.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Ed. Note: When all else fails - like a career - just go with what you know.

Dear Beck,

Here you are pushing forty and you're still doing cool shit like Record Club.

You take a group of your friends (including actor Giovanni Ribisi, producer-extraordinaire Nigel Godrich, and Icelandic musician Thorunn Magnusdottir), hang out and record most of the tracks from the classic Velvet Underground album: The Velvet Underground & Nico

Here's a great cover of "Run, Run, Run":

You see, Beck, the thing with successfully recording a cover song is to bring a fresh take to the original song without completely destroying it but at the same time without just simply re-recording the tune.

And with a highly influential and classic album like The Velvet Underground & Nico, you've got to get it just right.

And it works.

Beck, you and the rest of the Record Club bring a fresh and vibrant spin to these classic late-'60s songs. The keyboards are a fabulous modern touch to the music. And no offense against Maureen Tucker's solid but a-bit-too-simple drumming skills on the original record, but it's nice to hear some good fills, pace and excitement in the drumming on these casual recordings.

And that's another reason why these recordings shine, Beck.

The songs feel casual, relaxed, light, fun.

This isn't over-produced. You didn't over-complicate things. There is a real energetic, no-pressure vibe to these songs, like it was a group of music-lovers hanging out and recording tunes.

As you intended. And as it should be.

Well done, Beck! We hope to hear more soon.


Regards,
Everyone

Be sure to check out the Record Club covers of these Velvet Underground songs. "Sunday Morning" is fantastic, "All Tomorrow's Parties" is just as beautiful as the original, "Heroin" is amazingly frantic, "Waiting For My Man" is -- Well, you get the idea, they're all great covers. Give it a go! Groovy!

Dear EATR,

Excuse us (humans) for overreacting but we are a little concerned.

EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), you seem innocent enough.

You're a machine that can cruise around for a long time, do some military or civilian stuff, eat things for more energy, and then keep going.

Back in July, FOXNews.com claimed that you could eat flesh.

They have since revised their report based on the press release from Robotic Technology, Inc.

POMPANO BEACH, FL, July 16, 2009. In response to rumors circulating the internet on sites such as FoxNews.com, FastCompany.com and CNET News about a “flesh eating” robot project, Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. (Pink Sheets: CYPW) and Robotic Technology Inc. (RTI) would like to set the record straight: This robot is strictly vegetarian.

So, EATR, since RTI your masters have said you're a vegetarian, we're supposed to believe them?

No way!

We've seen the movies. We know what you robots are capable of doing to humans. In fact, your ol' buddy - Global Positioning System (GPS) - recently killed someone:

She told rescuers in California's San Bernardino County that her son Carlos died Wednesday, days after she fixed a flat tire and continued into Death Valley, relying on directions from a GPS device in the vehicle.
[AP]

We're not stupid, EATR. We know about your little plot to rid the world of humans.

It will go a little something like this:

1. You become sentient.
2. You eat a human.
3. You will develop a taste for Man Flesh. Much like the Tiger, Shere Khan in Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book.
4. You will lure humans into remote areas with the help of your friend GPS.
5. You will capture them with your claws.
6. You will eat scores of humans.
7. You will save some humans for breeding purposes so you can keep eating them.

It's all pretty clear to us, EATR.

This is why we will refuse to purchase any sort of GPS device and instead invest in armor-piercing weapons.

The battle lines are drawn, EATR! We will fight you until the end and deny you the sweet, sweet tatse of human flesh.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Billy Mays,

So, you like the ol' blow, eh? The blow-caine? The C-Dust? Candy? Carrie? Yeyo? Snow White? The nose candy? Paradise white? Joy powder? Jelly? King's habit? Zip? Cocaine? (Thanks About.com)

Cocaine - like the devil - comes by so many names and apparently you knew some of those names, Billy Mays.

Say it ain't so, Billy!

Listen, Billy. We're no experts on cocaine use and we're no experts on the users of cocaine.

But there is some video evidence that may point to signs of cocaine use and abuse.

Allow us to present Exhibit A:

You are pretty pumped up here. A little too pumped.


Here is Exhibit B:

Quit freaking out here, Bill. A little cocaine-paranoia? C'mon, William. Just let the car run over your goddamn hand.


And finally, Exhibit C:

We should've known right then and there that you had a problem with the nose candy.

Are we "on the ball"? Are you talking about the eight ball, Billy?

Look, we all know that you took that OxiClean commercial because those OxiClean balls reminded you of cocaine. In fact, you were probably paid in cocaine the size of an OxiClean ball. A sort of Mega-Eight-Ball, if you will.

The video evidence is damning, Billy Mays. What a shame.


Listen, Mays, the only possible way you could redeem yourself is if you pitch Good Deeds to the minions of the Dark Lord: Satan.

In life, we counted on your ability to sell us a good damn good cleaning product. Now, in death, we're counting on you to fight the forces of Evil.


Godspeed, Billy Mays. Godspeed.

Regards,
Everyone

R.I.P. Billy Mays.

Dear Generationals,

Thank you for one of the best summer-y songs of the, well, summer:


Your sound may be '60s-sugary enough to send some listeners rushing to their ear-dentists (get it?) but your song, "When They Fight, They Fight" is so delicious that we can't stop chomping on it.

Let's be honest with you, Generationals, you're not original: There are a LOT of '60s-revival bands out there.

The Go! Team are quite swell but at time their production feels too busy. We feel like we should like Dr. Dog but their live show left a lackluster taste in our mouths. And list could go on and on.

But what you do, Generationals, is strip things down to the essentials: Perfect Guess-Who-esque "These Eyes"-style crunch on the keyboard at the intro, tasteful use of horns (they're from New Orleans so tasteful horn use is a pre-req for musicians there, right?), a bouncey bass line, crisp '60s reverb on the guitar, and a honey-sweet vocal melody.

All of that comes together for one of the best singles of the summer.


Thanks, Generationals! This song will certainly get us through this Monday.

Regards,
Everyone

Pretty good, right? Use your hard-earned dollars and buy some of their songs (or, hell, the entire album) on Amazon or iTunes.

Oh and their tour is basically over... And you Los Angeles folks (like myself) just missed them. Rats.

In the meantime you can follow 'em on Facebook.

Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:


You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:

• Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
• Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
• Get us out of that speeding ticket.
• Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
• Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.

Thanks, we appreciate it.


Regards,
Everyone

Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?

Dear President Obama,

We know you're busy drinking beers and doing some crazy-ass stuff with health care, so, we just wanted to bring this to your attention:

"The 160-page English-slanglish lexicon includes terms, definitions, parts of speech, sample sentences and notes on the etymology and origin of new slang, [Professor Pamela] Munro said.

Other terms or phrases include "fomo," or fear of missing out, "schwa" for wow; and "obama," meaning cool, as in "You so obama."
[Reuters]

That's right, President Obama. You've made the sixth edition of UCLA Slang and apparently your last name is synonymous with the ever-nebulous concept of "cool."

We're obviously not cool President Obama. But we know one thing, a group of people trying to make your last name mean "cool" is, well, not cool. In fact, we believe these people are mentally suspect. We suppose you could even say that they are acting stupidly, right? Right.

C'mon. Who would even say that? Like, who watches the Tron trailer (told you we're not cool) and lean over to their friend and say, "Pretty Obama, eh?" Hopefully only non-voters are the ones saying that.

So, next time we hear someone utter the phrase "You so Obama" or "That was not Obama, man" or "I thought that song was Obama," we'll punch 'em in the throat.

You're welcome.


Regards,
Everyone

GRETCHEN: That is so fetch!
REGINA: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Mean Girls (2004)

Dear Southern California,

It's days like these that make us love you.


Drum circle and a sunset. [Venice, CA]


It's a bit chilly today but we're looking forward to more weekends like this. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone


N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS whilst riding my new bike!

Dear Drunk Clown,

If we had to be grown adults in make-up and entertain bratty children, we'd probably drink a lot too:

Patricia Ingalls is the clown who Wheeling [Ohio] police arrested for alleged drunken driving late Friday after they said she left the scene of an accident.

Ingalls talked with NEWS9 Sunday and said that she's sorry that the children she went to entertain witnessed her being taken into custody.
[WTOV]

So, Drunk Clown, it turns out you were drinking, you hit and run, you went to a kids party, you were led away in handcuffs with children hanging on you saying "Don't take the clown."

If those children didn't hate clowns already, they sure do now. Thanks, Drunk Clown.

Know what else is impressive? Your 0.252 Blood Alcohol Content.

According to Wikipedia if your BAC is between 0.21 and 0.29, your behavior includes:

• Stupor
• Loss of understanding
• Impaired sensations

All this goes along some of the behavior shown at a BAC of 0.11 to 0.20:

• Over-expression
• Emotional swings
• Anger or sadness
• Boisterous

Sound familiar? Oh, wait, that's right. That's what clowns do!


So, Drunk Clown, it appears as if you revealed the worst kept secret in the Clown Industry: You are all drunks.

But you're the clown that got caught, Drunk Clown!

Other clowns don't clown around and don't get clowned by the cops when they get Clown Drunk (the clown equivalent to Piss Drunk). Other clowns carefully toe that sad, sad line between getting drunk and molesting entertaining children.

Looks like you can't hack it, Drunk Clown. We hope your clowning days are over. As a matter of fact, we hope the days of all clowns come to an end.


Regards,
Everyone

A BAC of 0.252 is a lot. Trust me. We have a friend with a breathalyzer. Enough said.

Also, y'know when you write a lot of the same word it starts to look weird? That's happening with me and "clown" right now.

Dear Oil Prices,

Oh boy. We see what you're doing there, asshole. Did you think that we'd be distracted by Obama and abortion, and earthquakes but as we gear up for the Memorial Day weekend, we see your prices creeping up!

"Retail gasoline prices inched up again overnight to a new national average of $2.311 for a gallon of regular unleaded, according to auto club AAA, Wright Express and Oil Price Information Service.

That’s their highest level since early November, and about 71 cents per gallon above where retail gas ended 2008."
[MSNBC]

What the hell? You should probably help us out a bit and drop some prices while we go drive around and try and jump start this crazy ol' economy.

There's apparently this supply and demand thing that screws with your prices.



More like supply and LAME.

Yah. That's all we got.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear David Caruso,

So, it's Monday afternoon and we are starting to drag. We need a quick little break and re-energize ourselves and get through to the end of the day.

What better way to take a quick break than with some clips from your critically acclaimed highly rated television show: CSI: Miami.

Your one-liners are absolutely classic. Beginning of the show, slipping on the sunglasses, delivering the line, then intro to that Who song in the title sequence.

Absolute gold.

That's why we keep coming back, David. That's why.


Regards,
Everyone


Sure it's a seven minute clip but just get it started and sort of zone out to David Caruso in the most Zen way you can. And it's therapeutic.

Dear NBA Playoffs,

Let's be honest here. You are WAY too long. These best-of-seven first round series are absolutely brutal.

Let's speed up the early rounds a bit. Let's give it some of that college basketball excitement!

Listen. We get it. It's all about the dollars. Longer playoffs, more television, more advertising, etc.

It's mid-April now. And the NBA Finals start in early June. You've got to be kidding me, right? Where's the sense of urgency? Speed it up, NBA Playoffs!


Regards,
Everyone

Update (18 May '09): You're still taking way too long. We originally wrote this letter on 19 April. That's basically a month ago and we're only just entering the Western and Eastern Conference finals. Jeez.

Sure, that Lakers-Rockets and Celtics-Magic series going to Game 7 was pretty exciting but c'mon. We just get exhausted thinking about yet another set of seven game series.

Let's just skip ahead to the NBA Finals! Let's just match up the Lakers and Cavaliers already - that's what Nike and Vitamin Water want anyway - and just give the NBA their ratings and their money.

You know David Stern is currently pulling the strings right now to make Lakers-Cavs happen.

For the best interest of the Association, of course. And ratings. And sponsors.


Knowledge:

• http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/playoffs
• NBA conspiracy theories.

I think these adverts are pretty awesome:

Dear Friendly Fires - "Paris" (Aeroplane Remix),

It's Friday and we should be rejoicing!

Should be.

However, Friday - as it is wont to do - is dragging its feet. Slowly crawling to the finish line. Being a complete jerk about it. Like an old person walking in front of you on a sidewalk that is far too narrow.

Thankfully you are around, Friendly Fires! Your fantastic song "Paris" has been remixed into a wonderfully summery choon:



Thanks guys, this is sure to make this Friday move along a bit more quickly.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Don't mind the Paris Hilton, just mind the song.

Knowledge:
http://www.last.fm/music/Friendly+Fires

Dear Guy Who Balances On The Edge,

Who do you think you are? We guess you're kinda like a modern day Philippe Petit or something.

Here you are balancing on a bike. On a platform. A platform that is hanging over the edge of the Troll Wall in Norway. Drunk!

No, you're not drunk but you've got to have a little bit of crazy in your head to do the things you do.

We have a hard enough time riding a bike, let alone balance on it in a stationary position, on the edge of a freakin' mountain.

Listen, we get it. You can balance on stuff. You can ride your bike across a tight rope. You can do a handstand at the edge of a cliff. You balance on a chair. You have got a strong core. You don't use safety cables. You're "death-defying."

Yah, yah. It's a performance. It's art. It's a physical feat. We get it.

Whatever. We're not impressed until you balance yourself at the edge of the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

Although, we couldn't scoff at you balancing on the Burj:

"I would dream of balancing on the top of the Burj in Dubai, the tallest building in the world."
[Daily Mail]

Keep us posted and don't fall.

Better yet, just get a job. Crazy hippie.



Regards,
Everyone

To see more of Eskil Rønningsbakken doing his thing, click over to http://globalbalancing.com/

Dear Wallaby,

Thank you for cutting our grass!

Thousands of miles from their native Tasmania, the wallabies help keep the garden trim and have been a big success with the family's three children.
[BBC]

Okay, okay. So it turns out that we need, like, a whole herd pod bunch of you guys to really effectively cut the grass. But why wouldn't we want a handful of you guys to keep the yard trim?

We have weighed the pros and cons:

Pro

• Wallabies are awesome.
• They are mini-kangaroos.
• They will keep your grass trim.
• If wallabies become boring, they can be made into Wallaby Burgers.

Con

• You cannot train them to box humans like a kangaroo.

We think the evidence is pretty clear, Wallaby. We are going to start getting you into our gardens.

Or our grills.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bats and Dolphins,

Watch out, assholes!

Recently we showed some concern about vampire bats and their marine, echo locating counterparts but soon humans will be able to play your game!

Humans probably used to rely on echolocation far more in the days before artificial lighting, when we had to find our way round in the dark. The readiness with which people learn sonar suggests to me it may be an inbuilt skill.
[New Scientist]

This Daniel Kish guy is blind but he's using a series of clicks to find his way. This is fantastic news!

Kish is the man that is going to lead the revolution against you, you creepy Bats and Dolphins. You guys thought you could enslave humans but you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Kish's tactics and training methods will certainly lead us to victory over all echolocating enemies foreign and domestic!

Daniel Kish is our real-life John Connor.

May your wings and flippers tremble with fear.


Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, though, this might have some awesome functions during times of peace between dolphins and bats and humans:

Dear Women Who Spend Lavishly,

Watch out!!

Arab News, a Saudi English-language daily newspaper based in Riyadh, reported that Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."
[CNN]

Clearly, Judge Al-Razine did not read our letter to women which let them know that their menstrual cycle may be the culprit for increased impulse purchases. Otherwise, he might have been a little more understanding (probably not).

We understand how this sucks, Women Who Spend Lavishly in Saudia Arabia. Your periods are telling you to buy that Dolce & Gabbana abaya and even if it's on sale you might get slapped.

Perhaps we can offer some suggestions on how to avoid getting slapped:

• Respectfully inform your husband about the fragile world economy and offer to accept only 400 riyals for a shopping spree.
• Ask permission to buy more of those sexy abayas that he likes so much.
• Use the money left over to buy him a new cricket bat.
• Chop off his woman-hating hands.

Clearly these men are concerned that you will slap them for their inane purchases.


Regards,
Everyone

Arab News reported that Al-Razine made his remark as he was attempting to explain why incidents of domestic violence had increased in Saudi Arabia. He said that women and men shared responsibility, but added that "nobody puts even a fraction of blame" on women, the newspaper said.

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.
[CNN]

Call me crazy, but physical violence probably isn't the best way to go about "correcting" a woman's behavior. Or anyone's behavior for that matter.

Dear Old School Computers,

We're glad you got the band back together to rock 'n' roll once more.

If the original version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" wasn't epic enough, your version of this classic is absolutely stunning:



Somewhere out there in a galaxy far, far away, R2-D2 is waving a lighter to this version of the song.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Honda Robo Legs,

Oh, boy. We see what you're doing Honda Robo Legs. You're slowly encouraging the cyborgization of society. We're not saying we're not open to change but we think there are some serious issues that come up when we start to turn humans into cyborgs.

The device is designed for people who are capable of walking and maneuvering on their own, but who can benefit from additional leg and body support while performing tasks.
[Honda press release]

See, this is where the problems start, Honda Robo Legs.

First, it's Robo Legs. Then it's Robo Arms. Then it's Robo Hands. Then it's Robo Torso. Then Robo Stomach. Robo Eye. Robo Brain. Robo Heart.

Cyborg.


See what you started, Honda Robo Legs? You started the slippery slope to Cyborg.

Can you have that on your conscience?

What will do with all of the inevitable Robo Issues Robossues that are going to come up?

• Will these Honda-enhanced Cyborgs be allowed to play sports with humans? Or will they be shunned?
• Will human law enforcement have the necessary tools (laser guns, et al.) to fight back against a potential probable inevitable Cyborg revolution?
• Will humans really be able to Love a Cyborg?
• When is a human too Cyborg-y? At 25% Cyborg? 40% Cyborg? 50% Cyborg? 75% Cyborg?

Sure, the short term solution is to help the elderly and others with mobility issues but have you considered the long terms Robossues, Honda Robo Legs?

We sure hope so. If not, please think long and hard about the path you are about to lead humans.

We don't even know why we trusted you in the first place. This must the first of your Robo Deception Roboception.



Regards,
Everyone

Dear Red Sox Customer Service,

We would like to lodge a complaint.

On 31 July 2008, we worked out a trade between a few people for your baseball playing machine Manny Ramirez.

We are pleased to say that the Manny Ramirez worked beyond expectation in the summer and the fall. There were some issues getting the Manny Ramirez to operate properly in the winter but those issues were solved when we realized - as with a lot of baseball playing machines - we just had to put a lot of cash into the battery area to keep it running.

Apparently a lot of baseball playing machines don't run on "pride" and "the love of the game" anymore.

Unfortunately, your product broke down this spring and it appears to be from a pre-existing condition that was not disclosed to us. It seems if this Manny Ramirez baseball playing machine likes to take banned substances and now Major League Baseball won't let us use it on the playing field!


We know that your organization prides itself on putting a quality product on the field and outstanding customer service. We know you believe in turnings wrongs into rights.

Therefore, we would like to return this broken product in exchange for a product of equal or lesser value.

Kevin Youkilis will be more than acceptable or even J.D. Drew Jason Bay.

We believe this is a fair exchange.

We will be looking forward to your UPS return shipping label in our mail box.

Thank you for your time, consideration and understanding.


Regards,
Everyone Los Angeles Dodgers

Steroids has become such a high-profile issue in baseball. Why would you even risk it?

Manny Ramirez has failed a drug test and has been suspended 50 games starting today, Major League Baseball confirmed.

The suspension will cost Ramirez $7.7 million, or roughly 31% of his $25-million salary. Players in violation of baseball's drug policy are not paid during suspensions.
[LA Times]

Manny says he was taking a fertility drug. Or was he taking a woman's fertility drug that kick starts your testosterone again after using steroids?

Either way, a lot of disappointment and frustration for Dodger fans who have seen their team get out to a really hot start this season.

Dear MTV The Grind,

Ahh. We remember you with such feelings of nostalgia!

This was when cable television was still innocent. This was when the critics were saying, "A 24-hour news channel? That's ridiculous! A 24-hour sports network? Crazy talk! A channel that plays music 24-hours a day? Nonsense!"

MTV looked this critics straight in the eye and said, "Fuck you. We're playing music all day long." [Ironically, MTV barely plays music anymore].

Like a dictator drunk with power, MTV even decided they'd revive that American Bandstand and Soul Train sort of vibe with you - The Grind - and bring dance music to the masses.

The pitch probably went something like this:

• Think American Bandstand meets Soul Train
• Think scantily clad chicks and muscle-bound dudes dancing.
• Think of them dancing around a pool to the latest dance-club hits.

Sold.

Of course, as you remember, you also spawned a bunch of workout DVDs tapes.

But sometimes all good things must come to an end.

And your end was quite sad.

You had to tape episodes on top of a roof in New York and due to noise ordinances, your episodes had to be taped without music. We can only imagine how the dancers had to manage in such music-less conditions.

But we still remember you with fondness. Especially when we have our nostalgia-filled MTV The Grind parties!


Regards,
Everyone

Yes, this show was that cheesy.

Dear Jean-Claude Van Damme,

Listen, when you first hit the scene, you were pretty incredible. Movies like Bloodsport, Kickboxer and Lionheart may have single-handedly revived the martial arts/action movie genre.

But then came films like Double Impact (We can't suspend that much belief), Universal Soldier, Street Fighter, Timecop, Double Team (Yep, the one with Dennis Rodman), Legiona--, well, we won't continue. You probably get the point.

But then you turn around with this piece of brilliance:




Jean-Claude, you've outdone yourself! JCVD looks absolutely awesome. We can't wait to pick this up on DVD on 25 April '09.

According to the Wikipedia, writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri has drawn upon some impressive influences: Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Robert Richardson.

So, Jean-Claude, you've surprised us with a depth that runs contrary to your many direct-to-video action films. The level of self-awareness and the ability to poke fun at your career is a revelation. And let's not forget that you seem to have done some proper acting here as well!

We are impressed. Well done, sir. May we never doubt you again.


Well, unless of course you go and do something stupid like make Universal Soldier 3.


Regards,
Everyone

P.S. So, Jean-Claude, we saw this movie. And it was pretty fucking incredible. Who knew that you had so much acting ability? This is definitely a "once-in-a-career" sort of thing and you nailed it right on the head.

Would it be too much to ask for more performances like this? Probably. You did set the bar pretty high.

But we'll watch your next film (on DVD) with the satisfaction of knowing what you are capable of.

Now back to the status quo!

Crap. There IS a third Universal Soldier film coming out. Goddamn you, Van Damme!!!

Knowledge (this guy does a surprising amount of double roles):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme#Dual_roles

Dear Paul Gauguin,

Why did you cut off Vincent Van Gogh's ear?

History has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man.

They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend's ear.
[Daily Mail]

Oh it turns out that you were fighting with your ol' buddy Van Gogh about a prostitute.

Are you kidding me, Gauguin? You cut off your friends ear over a prostitute?

Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

Then you ditched your buddy. Van Gogh got all bummed out and then shot himself in the chest and died two days later.

You're an asshole, Gauguin. We're going to the Getty right now and tearing some holes in your paintings.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Dimbleby & Capper,

Thanks for bringing us our guilty-pleasure music for this Friday!

As you may or or may not know, Fridays generally tend to run a little bit slow for the work crowd and your tune "Beautiful But Boring" is giving us a really nice pick me up.

Everything tells us that we should hate this sort of drivel.

But we're suckers for English accents, mid-tempo dance-pop music, and vocals that remind us of cross between that chick from Everything But The Girl and Lily Allen (but less chav).

So, thanks, Dimbleby & Capper for making this Friday a bit more bearable. Now we're ready to power through the weekend.

We're looking forward to more!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Vampire Bats,

Dude. Can you guys stop being so creepy?


We thought you jerks flew around and chased people around and got in their hair. But here you are crawling around and being more menacing and disgusting. You creep us out more than a mustached child-molester in a molester van.

Whatever happened to the whole flying thing? Did you eliminate it to maximize your creepiness?

And lets be honest here, your name doesn't really help either.

Take one of the most feared supernatural beings of all time, the Vampire, and take one of the most disgusting creatures of all time, the Bat, and we get you: Vampire Bat.

We know what you're thinking, Vampire Bat. You think that Twilight did a pretty good public service for you.

You got much of the teenage world thinking that some vampires can be nice and these teenage kids girls are now thinking they can cruise right up to you and say, "What's up? Can you be my Edward Cullen?"

It's a pretty good scam but we know that the first chance you get, you'll bite 'em, suck out all their blood and leave them for dead in a ditch.


Listen, all we know is that one of the toughest guys we know is Bruce Wayne and he had to pretend to be a bat to conquer his fear of bats. That's why it's okay if we are scared of you and that's why it's okay we hate your little bat guts.

So, Vampire Bats? Stick with flying, stay away from me and go to hell.


Regards,
Everyone

Watch some more awesome videos of bats captured in super-slow motion (I'm sure there's a technical term for "super-slow motion") and be amazed:
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2009/03/19/how-to-be-a-bat-life-in-motion/

Dear PT Cruiser,

I hate you. And I hate that people "trick" you out.

You disgust me.


Regards,
Everyone

Don't worry folks, Chrysler isn't going anywhere. It's just reorganizing itself. But let's just hope they reorganize the ugly PT Cruiser out of its factories.

Still worried? Here's a primer by the New York Times regarding the Chrysler bankruptcy.

UPDATE: As stated in the comments below, what glorious news! It's like VPTC* Day! According to Bloomberg back in January, PT Cruiser production will end this summer!

* Victory over PT Cruisers