13 March 2009

Dear Friday,

You fucking jerk.

First, you appear all sunny and shit. But I walk outside and it's fucking cold.

Second, you just take forever to get going. What's your deal? You've been doing this since the invention of the modern day calendar. You would think that you would know how to speed it up. But here you are fumbling with the day like a 9th grade boy fumbling with a bra.

Third, you and the 13th really team up to be a pretty mean combo. What the hell is that all about? You assholes.

Fuck you, Friday. Fuck you.


PS: I need 10mg of Claritin. Stat.


Dear Reader's Digest,

Since high school I have sent in jocular jokes, amusing anecdotes and funny fables for you to publish.

But nothing. That pisses me off 'cause I know I've sent in better shit than those jerks in "All In A Day's Work" or "Life In These United States."

Publish my shit and give me my money.



Think you're funny? Well, let the assholes at Reader's Digest be the judge of that. Submit your story and if you get published you owe me a drink.

Dear Chimpanzee,

I don't blame you at all:
"A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared."
[ Yahoo! News ]
Now, does it surprise you that this capricious chimp is named Santino?

I remember another temperamental Santino:

Keep fucking up those humans, Santino. Both of yous.


Santino the chimp:

12 March 2009

Dear Transition Lenses,

Make up your goddamn mind.


N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear Economy,

So, it's come to this, eh?

You go into the tank and now our American leaders can't give other world leaders awesome gifts.

Instead, you made President Obama give British Prime Minster Gordon Brown a set of DVDs. That's right. DVDs.

And Secretary of State Clinton gave the Russians a button.

C'mon. DVDs and a button? Is that what it has come to? When is the PM ever going to have time to watch DVDs? And you can bet the Russians tossed that button in the trash can as soon as Clinton left.

So, fuck you, Economy. Fuck you for making us stoop to buttons and DVDs. Obama might've been better off giving the Prime Minster a mix tape.


This is the button. Seriously. That's what we gave the Russians.

Inspired by http://popsquad.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/the-worst-gifts-ever/

11 March 2009

Dear Mom,

Please stop forwarding me e-mails from all of your 50 year old lady friends who think its funny to pass along Good Luck chain letters, Obama jokes, and anything where I have to scroll past 6,000 forwarded e-mail addresses to see the useless information that you naively thought was funny to send to me.

I love you. I really do. But I forwarded this stuff when I was 13 (you know, when Al Gore invented the Internet).

Stop spamming your own child. Please.


N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

10 March 2009

Dear Los Angeles,

I can't wait for the summer so I can take beautiful pictures of you again.

And this following picture brought to you by Daylight Savings Time!


Dear Westside Rentals Guy,

You are a man, myth and legend. And your mythology in Los Angeles grows each and every moment.

The proof is in the pudding:

Here you are at your normal spot on Wilshire Blvd. outside the Westside Rentals office here in Santa Monica back in July of 2007. The quality is poor because I shot it with my camera phone (It happens):

And here you are again this past Monday (9 March 2009) night (approximately 9:46PM PDT) at the Los Angeles Kings game:

But - like a good informercial - wait there's more:
"He was the last person I expected to see here Monday night, at a poorly attended high school basketball game in Compton.

I figured he typically shows up at high-profile events to get the most bang for his company's buck. You know, Lakers, Dodgers, maybe an Angels game, never a Clippers game.

But here was the zany Westside Rentals guy, appearing at halftime of the Southern California regional first-round playoff game between Compton Dominguez and Santa Monica."
~ Ben Bolch, Los Angeles Times sports writer: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/sports_blog/2009/03/the-westside-re.html

Along with Mr. Bolch's encounter, let's add the first-person accounts I received from two loyal "Regards, Everyone" readers who state that they saw you at the main branch of the Santa Monica Library late in the afternoon.

Now, unless there are a LOT more of you (like the Blueman Group), you have had quite the evening. Allow me to construct a rough timeline for you on the evening in question, Monday, 9 March 2009:
  • Late-afternoon: You are at the library in Santa Monica.

  • Early-evening: Ben Bolch spots you at a basketball game in Compton. [N.B. The blog was posted at 10:17PM PDT; I would assume the event happened around 8PM PDT? 8:30PM PDT?

  • Approx. 9:46PM PDT: I spot you at the Los Angeles Kings game at the Staples Center.
I'll be honest with you, Westside Rentals Guy. You are pretty incredible. And, apparently, you are EVERYWHERE.

The LA Times blog reveals that your name is Philip Parks. But to me and the hearts of millions of Angelenos who love what you do, you will forever be: Westside Rentals Guy.

And in this time of economic unrest and the threat of terrorism always looming, isn't the Rock of Gibraltar-ness of your dancing what we really need in our life?

Our hats are off to you, sir.


PS: Kings won too!!

N.B. Video taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

09 March 2009

Dear Elephant,

You guys are pretty fucking cool. You have long memories, you visit your dead relatives, you are pretty intelligent, you can balance on an over-sized beach ball at the circus, and you also do what I wish I could do to the morons in the general population: go on a rampage and stomp them.

You are also capable of being BFF with a dog:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Elephant? You are pretty amazing.


Dear Double Espresso,

You are the tequila shot of coffee drinks.

Just when everyone thinks the party is over and its time to stumble blindly home, saturated in drunkenness and go to bed, some inner demon calls and says "no, don't go yet, get tequila shots! Yes, tequila!" With visions of the Pee Wee Herman dance in your head you valiantly order another round of the beloved beverage, open up a tab, makeout with your lifelong crush and finally earn the coveted nickname of "party animal"

That is who you are to me, Espresso. Except replace "drunkenness" with "misery" and "bar" with "office" and "Pee Wee Herman" dance with "killing myself"


N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

08 March 2009

Dear David Beckham,

Remember when you signed a five year contract to help bring more attention to Major League Soccer here in the states?

We remember. You came to Los Angeles with much fanfare and made Americans (or at least Angelenos) care about American football soccer for about 5 seconds.

And then remember how you basically abandoned Major League Soccer? I also remember that.

Yah, we get it. Major League Soccer isn't that great. The LA Galaxy suck. Playing in Italy gives you a better change to play for England national team.

But you didn't even try! What the fuck Becks??

You play about 1.5 seasons the after much "public" (did anyone even notice?) wrangling with your AC Milan and Galaxy transfer trade, you finally agreed to play the rest of the season in Italy and then grace us with your presence in the MLS. And then what? Skip out on MLS?


We get it. You weren't supposed to be the savior of American soccer. But you were supposed to help it, not hurt it. Now the 27 soccer fans in the United States are left with a bad taste in their mouths.

Thanks for setting American soccer back.

Not that anyone really cared.


PS: Please win the World Cup for England. That's the least you can do for working so hard at trying to get back on the national team.

The promise of David Beckham falls short:
So, the stakes are higher now with his $250 million right foot in the league; a league he must take to another level with every ounce of charisma, charm and jaw-dropping skill on the field that he can muster. Beckham, Beckham, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can.
~ Kristian Dyer, 15 July 2007 column

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon D60 SLR.