04 September 2009

Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.

2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.

1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:
  1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
  2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
  3. How bad will the traffic be?
  4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
  5. Am I pregnant?
  6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
  7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
  8. How old is Labor Day?
  9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
  10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


1 comment:

  1. Agreed about the American beer. Like Sierra Nevada, Fat Tire, Anchor Steam...REAL American beer!