24 April 2009

Dear Leeroy Jenkins,

It's Friday. It has been a long week. And as usual, Friday has been dragging its feet.

So, that's where you come in, Leeroy Jenkins!

Hahahahaha. Oh boy, that really hit the spot. Thanks, Leeroy. Now can you possibly get Friday to hurry the fuck up?



Dear Baby Shaker iPhone App,

Recently Apple apologized and pulled you from their virtual shelves:
CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Apple Inc. is apologizing for allowing a 99-cent iPhone game called "Baby Shaker" that let a player quiet a virtual crying infant by shaking the device.
The argument against you - of course - has been from horrified parents and advocates against the abuse of children. They're pointing fingers at you, Baby Shaker iPhone App and claiming that you are setting a bad example.

Right. This game is setting a bad example. We want to shake babies until they die. Just like how watching drugs, rapes, murders, and Nazis on television makes us want to use hard drugs, rape women, murder grandparents, and Nazi around the town.

But do not despair, Baby Shaker iPhone App! We urge you to carry on! Our fear is that without you people will be shaking their babies to death!

You provided a service. Frustrated parents and caregivers could have just violently shaken an iPhone instead of a baby. Their frustrations could have been released on a picture that looks like a Gerber baby sketch instead of a real baby.

According to some sources, 480 babies die each year because someone shook them instead of an iPhone.

We can save those lives.

Come back to us, Baby Shaker App. And come back with a new marketing slogan: Shake an iPhone, Not A Baby.


Is this game in bad taste? Probably. But c'mon, lighten up people.

23 April 2009

Dear thenewno2

Allow me to quickly chart the progression of a full-fledged Beatles obsession:
  1. You start casually enough by slowly accumulating and purchasing all The Beatles records.
  2. Then you realize that songs like "Hey Jude" and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" were just singles and not on the official UK album releases so you buy the Past Masters series.
  3. Naturally you progress to wondering about the recording process so you buy all three Anthology sets (in addition to the documentary, of course).
  4. You get pretty disappointed about the break-up of The Beatles and wax poetic about Abbey Road and buy into all that mumbo-jumbo about how the love you make is equal to the love you take, so you decide to go with the solo records.
  5. After practically memorizing all the Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and, yes, even the Ringo solo records, you're thirsting for more.
  6. That's when the obsession reaches its lowest point: buying the records of the Beatles children.
Now we're sitting here thinking, boy, we got burned by Julian and Sean Lennon. We've heard some of James McCartney's work on his dad's records but nothing from his solo stuff. And Zak Starkey remains just a hair out of the spotlight while he does some amazing drum work for The Who and Oasis.

And that brings us to you, thenewno2.

Thankfully we're not disappointed one bit! You offer a level of creativity and musicianship that has been lacking in the records from other Beatle-Children. In fact, the music stands up alone quite well.

There's a little Radiohead in there, there's some Pink Floyd, a little rock 'n' roll, some nice synth work. There's a nice dreamy quality to the production.

We're looking forward to more of your work!



And let's be honest here, we actually like Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon stuff too. No matter how cheesey (Jules) or too-artsy (Sean) it can be.

Dear Fucking Hipster,

Did you see that web site dedicated to your hipster-ness? It's called "Look at this fucking hipster" and it's pretty much like The Sartorialist of the hipster world.

We found this to pretty amusing because we like making fun of you, you Fucking Hipster.

We hate your ironic sunglasses, your silly shirts with even sillier slogans, skinny jeans, hipster belts, pointed shoes, fancy coats, stupid scarves, and stupid vintage outfits that would've gotten you beat up in 1976, 1986, 1996 and in 2006.

But who knows how this crazy Hipster Code works? For all we know, this Hipster web site may actually be praising Hipsters for their Hipster behavior! Their Hiphavior, if you will.

Maybe Hipsters are like, "Boy, I hope I get photographed and posted on this site." Maybe this is some crazy Cobra Snake thing!

In making fun of the Hipster we may simply be glorifying the Hipster.

Make fun of them? That means they're even more Hipster.
Don't make fun of them? That gives them the coveted SHS: Smug Hipster Satisfaction.

It appears as if we can never win with these Hipsters.

Now, one wonders if it actually takes a Hipster to know a Hipster...

Holy shit. By taking pleasure in "Look at this fucking hipster" are we Hipsters? Hipsters in denial? Closet Hipsters?



There's a good chance you might be a Hipster and you didn't even know! If you don't care that you're a Hipster. Well, your chances of being a Hipster just increased.

Knowledge knwldg (i don't think Hipsters use vowels):

Thanks to Shira and Keriann for sending me the link!

22 April 2009

Dear Paula Deen,

As food writer and television host Nigella Lawson so sensually put it: The purpose of food is not to impress, but to give pleasure.

Paula, your food does neither. Are you trying to impress us with macaroni and cheese, wrapped in bacon, breaded and deep fried? Do you think that that concoction is pleasurable?

Or a hamburger, with a fried egg, a slice of bacon and glazed doughnuts instead of a bun? Who are you trying to fool?

More importantly, who are you trying to kill?

In your annoying Savannah drawl, you laugh about how much butter goes into every dish of yours, including your spaghetti sauce.

Butter is good. Deep frying frozen balls of it is not.

It amazes us that you have made millions, fooling people into thinking that your food is good Southern food.

If we're going to clog our arteries, we want to enjoy it.

Your smile, your laugh and your food disgust us.


N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog about delicious foods and wonderful restaurants at Staten Eats.

Ed. Note:

Listen to Paula's obnoxious voice and watch her craft one of her crazy culinary concoctions:

On the other end of the spectrum, listen to Nigella Lawson's deliciously English voice on NPR here.

Hungry yet?

Dear Octopus Technology,

It's pretty clear that we've been waiting a long time for you to make your debut into the world:

This is pretty amazing. Using you, Octopus Technology, we can make robots that can squeeze into the nooks and crannies of the ocean floor.

But what other Cephalopod Creations can we conjure up?

We can think of a some:
  • Octopus Hand: We would easily replace our own lame and inferior human hands with Octopus Hands. These would be hands that can grab the loose change in between the car seats or the remote control that fell behind the couch.
  • Octopus Foot: Our useless and worthless human feet could be replaced with stupendous Octopus Technology to climb walls and hang from ceiling fans.
  • Pet Robot Octopus: Why not? Enjoy the fun of a Pet Octopus walking crawling slithering octopus-ing across the floor and bringing you beers but without the 500-gallon aquarium. And without the embarrassing (and inevitable) "Holy-fuck-I've-got-a-REAL-LIVE-Octopus-on-my-goddamn-face" 911 call.
  • Octopus Mobile Phone: No more "Oh Shit" moments where your phone gets dropped, stepped on, kicked, run over by cars. With this Octopus Technology, your phone would be virtually indestructible.
Thanks for all that you can offer us, Octopus Technology. We have certainly come a long way from putting suction cups on everything and throwing a gel-like octopus on the wall and watch it tumble down.

We're looking forward to vastly improving our sad, Octopus-Technology-less lives.


The robot octopus submarine is only the beginning!

21 April 2009

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.

It's more than just the alleged steroid use cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:
When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.
"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!
Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.



Dear Amazon Kindle,

Why do you get so much media coverage? Why have you had 300,000 sales? Who is buying you? Where are these people? Why hasn't anyone seen them? Are they using you in shame, in a seedy motel room with nothing but their socks on?

Are you heavy to hold? I've never even picked you up.

Are you like the laser disc? An early adopter fad that anyone in their right mind knows is completely worthless? Will there be an Amazon Kindle in a museum someday?

If someone were to publish a book and it were to go straight to Kindle, would that be like a movie skipping the theaters and going straight to DVD?

So many unanswered questions, Amazon Kindle. Write me back.


N.B. This open letter submitted by K. Baynes

Ed. Note:

Apparently a lot of people are going to buy the Kindle 2:
Amazon expects to sell 800,000 or so of the Kindle 2 devices in 2009, or double the volume of the first generation device.
[Washington Post]
So, I guess if you have some money to burn...

20 April 2009

Dear Stoners,

We get it. It's 420. Marijuana should be legalized. Your hand-blown glass bong is the shit. You've named your pipe. You've got a pot-leaf sticker on the back of your car. You have twelve Bob Marley t-shirts. Watching Harry Potter (*giggle*) is better high. Hell, everything is better high!

Get a job, you freakin' hippie.

Now where did we put that pipe?


Woah, it's Knowledge, maaaan:

Dear David Lee Roth,

Even after all this time your isolated vocal track for "Runnin' With The Devil" is still hilarious!

When we give this a listen we are thinking a few things:
  1. How hilarious were you in the studio when you were doing this track? We're thinking pretty super hilarious.
  2. Your squeals and grunts make us feel awesome, then uncomfortable, and then awesome again.
  3. You are quite possibly the best vocalist of our generation. Hands down.
Let's be honest here, Sammy Hagar never really did it for us. When we think Van Halen we think Diamond David Lee Roth. So, thank you for your voice, Diamond Dave. It should be in a museum!


Where is ol' Diamond Dave now?

Dear Bucket,

You are an amazing alternative unit of measurement. Better than all those other silly ones.

A lot of kittens? Lame.
A boatload cocaine? Way too much.
A fuck-ton of ice cream? Stupid.
A pile of money? C'mon. Really?

But imagine if it was bucket of kittens? Cocaine? Ice cream? And money?

Listen, a fuck-ton of ice cream would be absolutely wonderful but it's not useful at all! It's just hyperbole.

We get it. "Fuck-ton" or "pile" or "boatload" does indeed get the point across. But it's not as useful in every day life. But with you, Bucket, you get a true idea of how much awesomeness you have.

You can't really go wrong with using you to quantify something. In many ways, you are like Baby Bear's porridge: Just right.