Dear Reggae,

I used to hate you.

But now, well, I kinda like you.



Regards,
Everyone

Dear Friday,

Fuck you, asshole. We get it. You're the cock of the walk. Struttin' around like you own the week.

One day we won't need you 'cause every day will be Friday! Take that!!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Cruise Control,

To illustrate how much I love you, here is a list of the Top 3 inventions of the past 100 years:

3. Sliced Bread
2. Electricity
1. Cruise Control on my '99 Toyota Camry




Here is also a short list of the Top 3 places I use you:

3. San Vicente between Bundy and Ocean Ave.
2. Late-night drive down the 10 freeway between the 110 and PCH.
1. EVERYWHERE I CAN.

Apparently there is a cruise control feature on passenger vehicles with manual transmission too. This might combine my two most favorite things in motor vehicle engineering.

Life should be more like manual transmission and cruise control.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Los Angeles,

Nicely done.




Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS; touched up with PhotoShop IrfanView.

Dear L-Shaped Desk,

You can fit in a corner if you wanted to. You can be in the middle of the room. One side can be flush against the wall. You accommodate swivel chairs very nicely. You are in the shape of an "L." You are awesome.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Zombies,

Quit fucking up Time Warner's Internet and cable TV. You're making it real hard for me to search for hard news, learn from educational videos on National Geographic's web site, and watch the San Diego Zoo panda cam.

Thanks for nothing. Assholes.


Regards,
Everyone

PS: And Dear Time Warner Cable, stop being so susceptible to zombie attacks. Please learn how to fight back more effectively. Thank you. Regards, Everyone.


Here's what Time Warner Cable had to say for themselves:

We suspect that the attackers are using "zombie computers," or hijacking unsuspecting subscribers’ machines to perpetuate the attack without its owner’s knowledge.

Click here for a bit more on Time Warner Cable's issues in Los Angeles.

Dear Traffic Lights,

I was just thinking that other day, I can't wait until ALL of you have that awesome countdown thingy. It's super-helpful. I hope the new stimulus package has a provision for more of you guys.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear (Western Christian) God,

The ash thing is cool, but I think you need to talk to your marketing guys (St. Paul, maybe?) and do better giveaways!

People just don't like getting ash on their forehead anymore, everyone is always like "Dude, you've got dirt on your forehead" and then you have to be, like, "No, fuck you. It's Ash Wednesday you non-believing asshole."

How are we supposed to convert the masses with dirt on our faces?!

I say do more things like Palm Sunday! You get awesome palm fronds! Sometimes they twist up the fronds to make them look like crosses. And if you turn 'em around, it's like a palm sword!! Fun for the whole family.

Do more things like Palm Sunday. And, FYI, In-N-Out makes a better body and blood of Christ. Just sayin'

Thanks God, take care.


Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ash_Wednesday

Dear Sleep Function On My TV,

People across the nation fall asleep with the TV on and then you turn the TV off for us.

Sleep Function? You. Fucking. Rule.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Socks (the cat),

Sure, there were more "important" stories regarding the economy, gas prices, war, the stimulus package, the Oscars, gas explosions, etc. but you deserve your day in the sun. Sunbathing, of course. That's what cats do.

Rest in Peace, Socks. We didn't even know cats could get cancer of the mouth. Maybe you should've stopped chewing tobacco. Crazy ol' cat. Maybe your death will help people realize that Universal Animal Health Care is just as important as Universal Health Care for humans.


Regards,
Everyone

RIP: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/02/20/clinton%E2%80%99s-cat-socks-dies/

Dear Hugh Jackman,

With comments like this, we're confident that the Oscars won't be a bore tonight:

CNN: How daring is it going to be? Will there be YouTube moments where people will be talking about the Oscars this year after it happens?

Jackman: One of my favorite moments at the Oscars was when the streaker came across David Niven. And we're upping it a level and we're just going to do most of the show naked. Um, well, there hopefully will be YouTube moments.

CNN: "The sexiest man alive" [is] going to be up there nude?

Jackman: Drunk and nude, yes. So that's our new fresh approach. It's the Australian way.

Drunk and nude! Nicely done, Mr. Jackman. Hopefully your brand of Australian entertainment will help us not turn off the television an hour into the show. Good luck and we'll see you at 5:30 PM PST.


Regards,
Everyone

The Full Monty transcript from CNN is here

You might even give Billy Crystal a run for his money. After all you were pretty solid when you hosted the Tony Awards:

Dear Liverpool FC,

What the hell are you doing?

You're not supposed to draw against a mid-table team like Manchester City. You're just not. Especially with Manchester United in unstoppable form and seemingly running away with the title with nary a challenge.

You're killing us here. Absolutely killing us.



Regards,
(Almost)Everyone