28 March 2009

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

Bring back your boobs.

People pay for these things. Don't go getting all Hollywood anorexic to try to fit in.

Face it: The boobs and hips are the only reason you're famous. Respect that shiz.

Ok fine, Lost In Translation was pretty good too.


Where the hell did they go?!

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

27 March 2009

Dear News Media,

Why do you have to go and be so negative all the time???? Google has over 22,000 employees, they laid off 200. That's nothing. No big deal.

Yet meanwhile, in a time when CEO's of various corporations are taking in over a million in BONUS alone, the founders and CEO's of Google are only paying themselves $1.00 in salary. ONE. DOLLAR.

Yes, I know they get stock and all that stuff, but the stock got crushed this year and they're still taking a dollar salary. These people are doing good in the world, but the news media won't report it. Oh no, that'd be too positive.

No wonder the economy is in crisis.

We highlight the negative money grubbing spenders, the layoffs and the crime, rather than acknowledging the good guys, the ones who are creating jobs, taking $1 salaries and donating money to cure diseases.

I'm not surprised that you're going out of business, News Media.


N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear The Whitest Boy Alive,

I like Erlend Øye from Kings of Convenience and therefore I like listening to you:

You have the mellow-ness of Kings of Convenience but the electronic-y goodness that I've come to expect from the Scandinavian region.



26 March 2009

Dear Snuggie Pub Crawl,

Take two insane wonderful things:

1. A snuggie
2. A pub crawl

And we get you, Snuggie Pub Crawl.

What a creepy an incredible idea!


By the way, I can cut holes in my fleece blanket and make my own damn Snuggie. Just saying. But they are relatively cheap. Anyway, enjoy the informercial:

Dear Newark Liberty International Airport,

Amelia Earhart dedicated your administration building as America's first passenger airline terminal in 1935. For the next four years, you were the world's busiest airport.

Today, the only redeeming quality you have are heat lamps in your Terminal A bus shelters, keeping passengers warm on sub-freezing nights while they wait for a shuttle to take them away from your vile congestion.

You and your surrounding slums make the Garden State the butt of late-night talk show jokes. You greet visitors to the New York area with views of oil refineries and freight yards. Your flights are always delayed, and your food stinks.

And you are dangerous: On Sept. 11, 2001, hijackers walked through your terminal and boarded one of your flights (after that, we added "liberty" to your name).

Unfortunately, 35.4 million of us were forced by cost or convenience to use you in 2008.

It's pretty safe to say that all 35.4 million will agree, "You suck, Newark Liberty International."


N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.

25 March 2009

Dear Los Angeles,

Listen, it's March. The reason why we pay so much goddamn sales tax here and the reason why we pay so much in housing and spend so much time in our cars in traffic is because the weather is supposed to be incredible. Especially here in March.

But what's with this fog and wind the past week or so?

Judging from the warmer weather we're looking at this current week, I'm pleased that you're getting going on that whole "it's-spring-and-almost-summer" thing. Thanks.


10 Day Weather Forecast.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Big Screen TV,

Watch out, 'cause California might ban you!
The California Energy Commission is considering a proposal that would ban California retailers from selling all but the most energy-efficient televisions. Critics say the news standards could take 25 percent of televisions off the market — most of them 40 inches or larger.
~ Brian Joseph // OC Register
Well, now I regret not buying one of you while Circuit City was in its death throes.

And listen to this propaganda that the state of California is spitting out:
How much money can these proposals save?

These proposals can save you $18 to nearly $30 per year per television.
Yep,that's it, Big Screen TV. California is willing to sell you out for a savings of $30 per TV, per year.

The world already says it's inefficient to have large SUVs, big gas-guzzling trucks, and big ol' 200-watt light bulbs, the least we can have is you, Big Screen TV. I hope you're with us for a long, long time.


Do you like your big ass TV? Let the California Energy Commission Commission know how you feel because these regulations might go down sooner than you think: appliances@energy.state.ca.us

24 March 2009

Dear Legos,

Remember a while back when that guy tried to steal a bunch of you? Do you know why that is?


Seriously, go take a look at yourself. Even at Wal-Mart a 40 piece set costs, like, a million dollars.

In this economy, how are mothers and fathers supposed to teach their kids about spatial relationships and the value of sturdy, steadfast construction?

Screw paying for you, I'm going to Wal Mart and stealing boxes of the Childhood Memories(tm) that are rightfully mine.


Disclaimer: Regards, Everyone certainly does advocate the stealing of Childhood Memories(tm).

$200,000.00 worth of Legos might build you a small fire station:

23 March 2009

Dear Prius Drivers,

Some people are aggressive drivers. Some people are cautious drivers. Some people are safe drivers. Some people are respectful drivers. But I have never seen someone drive in a self-righteous way until I saw you, Prius Driver.

We get it. You spent the extra money to buy this fuel-efficient - but costly - motor vehicle. After all, if you don't, who will?

So, you drive with this smug self-righteousness:
  1. You drive the speed limit. Exactly the speed limit. Not a mph faster, not a mph slower.

  2. You leave at least 4 car-lengths between your Precious Prius and the car in front of you.

  3. You don't run through yellow lights.

  4. You make full and complete stops.

  5. You park on the side of Wilshire during the time you're not supposed to park and just casually flip on your hazard lights thus ensuring people see your self-righteousness. As if to say, "Look at me. I'm driving a Prius and holding up goddamn traffic."

  6. You have some sort of nut-case liberal sticker on the back that make normal Democrats cringe and make Republicans want to stockpile more guns.

  7. You have this smug look on your face at the gas station when you visit the pump for the first time this month.

  8. You have the right of way. Every way. Every time.

  9. UPDATE: You get in a fender-bender with another car and you step out of the car and yell at the other driver: "I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A GODDAMN ACCIDENT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! EVER." Woah there, Prius Driver, we get it. You are a perfect driver. You can do no wrong.

  10. UPDATE (5 August 2009): You creep all the way into a busy intersection trying to make a left turn without any regard for the oncoming traffic speeding at you at 40mph. But you have to make the left turn. You deserve to make people slam on their brakes so you can make that turn. Asshole.
The list goes on and on.

We get it, Prius Driver. You're single-handedly saving the world.

Screw you.


Tell me about your experiences with a smug, self-righteous Prius Driver!

Dear Space Bat,

Rest in peace, Space Bat. You are a hero among bats.


From NASA: "Bat Hung onto Shuttle During Liftoff"
A bat that was clinging to space shuttle Discovery’s external fuel tank during the countdown to launch the STS-119 mission remained with the spacecraft as it cleared the tower, analysts at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center concluded.

22 March 2009

Dear New Vitamin Water Flavors,

You guys taste pretty delicious! You are especially helpful during hangovers.

Interesting to point that - at the time of publication - you are not officially on the Vitamin Water web site!

How mysterious!


Vitamin Water Sync (Berry-Cherry; "Download of vitamins and antioxidants") and Tranquilo (Tamarind and Pineapple; "A+C+E"). Here they are in captivity as found at my local 7-Eleven convenience store:

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.