21 March 2009

Dear March Madness (Round 1),

Here are some lessons that I have learned:

1. Never, EVER trust a basketball team from Utah. Those crazy Mormons at BYU got smoked by Texas A&M; Utah was allegedly seeded higher than Arizona but we now know that was a mistake; Utah St. was giving Marquette a run for its money but couldn't secure the win.

2. Don't underestimate teams from Arizona.

3. West Virginia ... thanks for playing.

4. There was finally some excitement in round one with some overtime action in the Ohio State-Siena game and the Florida St.-Wisconsin matchup.

5. Three out of the four 12 seeds beat the 5 seeds. How often does
that happen?

Onwards to round two!


Is this your bracket?

20 March 2009

Dear Drinking With Friends,

Apparently you are good for me:
"The study of Japanese men years found that moderate to light alcohol consumption, coupled with high levels of social support, were linked to lower rates of heart disease and stroke."
Friends? Alcohol? Weekend? Hurry up, Friday. Let's do this.


Dear Rapping Air Steward,

You rap the preflight safety information. And, well, that's pretty awesome:


Thanks to D. Crabtree for leading me to the story.

19 March 2009

Dear March Madness,

So after a flurry of breaking down games, watching too much ESPN, going through dozens of web sites, listening to sports talk radio, discussing with friends, neighbors and complete strangers ... the brackets (all 10 or so of them) are finally done.

Frankly, March Madness, I'm burnt out on these brackets and I'm ready for them to be busted up as the first couple rounds start this weekend.

So, for me to make some serious money I'll need at least Louisville, Memphis, Villanova, and UNC to get to the Final Four with Memphis and UNC in the Championship game and Memphis to win.

So, Memphis, please win the tournament and win me some money. Thanks!

And, of course, we're looking forward to keeping wrinkled copies of my bracket in my pocket for the next few weeks.


18 March 2009

Dear AIG,

You want to hand out $165 million in bonuses. That's a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it? Thankfully you've asked some execs to return some of the bonuses. You guys are still assholes, though.

Now, the bonuses are the sexy story. It's a manageable dollar figure (in my head) that is being handed out to tangible entities: People.

But the REAL problem is the $170 billion that we gave you and that you should be paying back ASAP.

ONE-HUNDRED SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS. That doesn't even make sense in my head. That's like a ridiculous number Dr. Evil would spit out!

Do you see what they did there, AIG? It was funny back then 'cause it's a ridiculous number. Today $100+ billion dollars is a cold, stark reality. No one is laughing anymore. Well, that clip is still funny. So we're chuckling. Wryly.

Oh and don't let me forget to remind you about your sponsorships as well. One of the most visible being Manchester United.

Anyway. AIG? You guys are assholes. I'm sure we'll talk again later.


Dear That Guy Who Fought That Shark ... And Won,

Hey you, Craig Clasen. Remember how you fought a shark? And won? We remember.

Sure, there's some argument about whether or not it was actually necessary to kill the shark. Sure, some people don't like spearfishermen. Sure, there are some other "ethical" issues being thrown about. Some even claim that your story isn't entirely true.

Whatever. Screw those non-believers.

They don't understand that you fought and killed a 12-foot tiger shark. A TIGER SHARK.

Take one of the most ferocious creatures on land - a tiger - and take one of the most ferocious creatures of the sea - a shark - and combine them together and you get this Chimera-esque beast known as a TIGER SHARK.

And you fought off this monstrosity.

We'll be honest with you: That is pretty bad ass.


Here's a short video clip of Clasen battling the shark. Most of the video is just some gorgeous underwater shots but you'll get a little bit of the shark action.

Click here for a neat photo gallery which includes the man himself below:

17 March 2009

Dear Chris Brown and Rihanna,

We bit our tongue. We didn't want to say anything. But, ultimately, we had to say something.

We get it guys:
1. Chris, you like to beat women sometimes. Hey, it happens! Bitch had it coming, right?
2. Rihanna, he hits you because he loves you, right? Right!

But after your well publicized incident you assholes may or may not be back together and you jerks may or may not record a song together?

Are you guys fucking kidding me? (If we have to explain why that's mentally suspect, then you deserve a "Dear People Who Don't Get It" letter)

Here are two basic suggestions for a successful relationship:
1. Don't hit your significant other.
2. Don't stay with a significant other who beats you.

Yes, Mr. Brown and Ms. Fenty, we know these suggestions are hard to understand but it would be a start for you guys.


Dear Jay Cutler and Josh McDaniels,

You guys HAVE to be fucking kidding me.

As much as we love seeing the Denver Broncos implode before our very eyes, we're pretty sick of all of this nonsense.

We get it. It's a power struggle. Boring.

Hey Cutler, it's a business. Get over it.

Thank god the college basketball tournament is about to start. I'm looking forward to this news being buried in the middle of the paper next to the NHL standings and below the fold (that's journo-speak!).


Cutler wants a trade. Cutler is a baby.

Cutler being a baby on the right. New coach on the left.

16 March 2009

Dear Economy,

Dude, shape up.

There is some talk about a tent city near Sacramento?

What is this, The Grapes of Wrath? More like Grapes of Bullshit.

Please sort yourself out. I don't want to live in a tent city. Or pick oranges only to have it burned afterwards. Thankfully I'm not a woman so I don't have to feed a starving guy with my breast milk.

C'mon, Economy. Don't let it come to that.


Pic from the Tiny House Design blog.

Dear iPhone,

You are another one of Apple's great inventions, I had to buy you right away. With your flashy commercials, snappy touch screen and your smooth body. You've got it all! Internet, applications, the new 3G Internet, and sexy looks. People stare at me when I talk one you, you make me the envy of everyone around.

Why, oh WHY did you make me throw you last night?! Your applications wouldn't open! When I rely and I do mean RELY on your applications, like the Lose It! app, where I track my calories, or the Twitter app where I keep track of my friends...

Please never do that again, the blinking your screen did afterward almost broke my heart in two!


P.S. The hour it takes for you to restore yourself along with the hour it takes for you to back up my information, along with the hour updates, are getting old.

Learn how to copy paste you addicting peice of metal!!

I love you!

N.B. This open letter submitted by A. Diaz