Dear Banks,

You know that dog who gets scolded for shitting on some brand new 500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets?

The dog comes crawling back feeling really guilty. The dog is sniffling, whimpering, and begging for forgiveness.

Banks? You are that scolded dog.

And now here you are trying to make amends by giving us this guy/girl to float around near the line at the bank offering cheap smiles, marginal assistance and forced small talk.

We see what you're doing there. You're feeling guilty for making horrible decisions and crumbling and asking for bailouts, so you give us this "friendly" bit of customer service.

What a slap in the face!

We know, it's not the fault of these folks who are just doing their jobs. But be warned Banks, don't think that a little improvement in our "banking experience" is going to make us forget about what you did.

Here's a rag, Banks. Go clean yourself up.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear News Media,

Why do you have to go and be so negative all the time???? Google has over 22,000 employees, they laid off 200. That's nothing. No big deal.

Yet meanwhile, in a time when CEO's of various corporations are taking in over a million in BONUS alone, the founders and CEO's of Google are only paying themselves $1.00 in salary. ONE. DOLLAR.

Yes, I know they get stock and all that stuff, but the stock got crushed this year and they're still taking a dollar salary. These people are doing good in the world, but the news media won't report it. Oh no, that'd be too positive.

No wonder the economy is in crisis.

We highlight the negative money grubbing spenders, the layoffs and the crime, rather than acknowledging the good guys, the ones who are creating jobs, taking $1 salaries and donating money to cure diseases.

I'm not surprised that you're going out of business, News Media.



Regards,
Everyone





N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear Legos,

Remember a while back when that guy tried to steal a bunch of you? Do you know why that is?

BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Seriously, go take a look at yourself. Even at Wal-Mart a 40 piece set costs, like, a million dollars.

In this economy, how are mothers and fathers supposed to teach their kids about spatial relationships and the value of sturdy, steadfast construction?

Screw paying for you, I'm going to Wal Mart and stealing boxes of the Childhood Memories(tm) that are rightfully mine.



Regards,
Everyone

Disclaimer: Regards, Everyone certainly does advocate the stealing of Childhood Memories(tm).

$200,000.00 worth of Legos might build you a small fire station:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10200275/

Dear AIG,

You want to hand out $165 million in bonuses. That's a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it? Thankfully you've asked some execs to return some of the bonuses. You guys are still assholes, though.

Now, the bonuses are the sexy story. It's a manageable dollar figure (in my head) that is being handed out to tangible entities: People.

But the REAL problem is the $170 billion that we gave you and that you should be paying back ASAP.

ONE-HUNDRED SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS. That doesn't even make sense in my head. That's like a ridiculous number Dr. Evil would spit out!



Do you see what they did there, AIG? It was funny back then 'cause it's a ridiculous number. Today $100+ billion dollars is a cold, stark reality. No one is laughing anymore. Well, that clip is still funny. So we're chuckling. Wryly.

Oh and don't let me forget to remind you about your sponsorships as well. One of the most visible being Manchester United.

Anyway. AIG? You guys are assholes. I'm sure we'll talk again later.



Regards,
Everyone

Dear Economy,

Dude, shape up.

There is some talk about a tent city near Sacramento?

What is this, The Grapes of Wrath? More like Grapes of Bullshit.

Please sort yourself out. I don't want to live in a tent city. Or pick oranges only to have it burned afterwards. Thankfully I'm not a woman so I don't have to feed a starving guy with my breast milk.

C'mon, Economy. Don't let it come to that.



Regards,
Everyone


Pic from the Tiny House Design blog.

Dear Economy,

So, it's come to this, eh?

You go into the tank and now our American leaders can't give other world leaders awesome gifts.

Instead, you made President Obama give British Prime Minster Gordon Brown a set of DVDs. That's right. DVDs.

And Secretary of State Clinton gave the Russians a button.

C'mon. DVDs and a button? Is that what it has come to? When is the PM ever going to have time to watch DVDs? And you can bet the Russians tossed that button in the trash can as soon as Clinton left.

So, fuck you, Economy. Fuck you for making us stoop to buttons and DVDs. Obama might've been better off giving the Prime Minster a mix tape.



Regards,
Everyone


This is the button. Seriously. That's what we gave the Russians.


Inspired by http://popsquad.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/the-worst-gifts-ever/

Dear Stock Market,

You are fucked.


Regards,
Everyone



N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Knowledge:
Dow Jones, S&P, NASDAQ trends in the past year. Courtesy of Google Finance.

Dear Rush Limbaugh,

You've gotten some heat - from Republicans too - for wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' and plannin' and dreamin' that President Obama will FAIL:


However:

"Whenever a Republican criticizes him, they have to run back and apologize to him." - Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff

It happens. They want to keep all those voters who listen to you! It makes sense.

Thankfully, there is a web site (www.imsorryrush.com) that will help citizens send some apologies to you on behalf of Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-Georgia); South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford; or Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.

Fun times!


Regards,
Everyone

PS: Oh and President Obama? Please don't fail. Thanks.


This is definitely in the spirit of "Regards, Everyone."

For more head over to the CNN Political Ticker. They've got a Twitter too.

Dear Gasoline,

You sonofabitch. I see your prices creeping up.

What, you think 'cause the economy and the stimulus is grabbing headlines you can raise your prices behind my back?

You think because I was placated by your cheap prices earlier this year I wouldn't be pissed off at your gas prices today?

Don't make me buy a Prius. Asshole.


Regards,
Everyone


Maybe this will help you find some decent gas prices:
http://www.losangelesgasprices.com/map_gas_prices.aspx