Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.




2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.




1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
3. How bad will the traffic be?
4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
5. Am I pregnant?
6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
8. How old is Labor Day?
9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

When standard boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]




2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.




1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.



Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.


Regards,
Everyone

Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

Dear Movies To Fall Asleep To,

Some people fall asleep with a night light. Some people fall asleep to music. Some people fall asleep with earplugs. Some people fall asleep to the city noise in the streets below.

And some people really like to fall asleep to movies.

That's us.

It has to be the right movie, though. You have to combine a soothing soundtrack (generally no pop music), a relatively slow pace, relaxing dialogue, and subtle mood changes. Old film stock tends to help too because the picture won't be as bright or flashy. The sound quality of older films are generally more even as well: There often won't be a lot of sudden loud moments that might jar you from your slumber.

So, Movies To Fall Asleep To, here is your Top 3 best movies for pre-snoozing and - ultimately - snoozing:

3. Field Of Dreams: Here's a good one. A nice late-80s movie (1989). Warm film stock. And - of course - there's James Earl Jones and his soothing voice talking about baseball and America. What a comforting, sleep-inducing moment.



2. The Godfather: Here's an absolute classic that you can snooze to. This three-hour epic has a very steady pace, a relatively sparse soundtrack, and a lot of talking. This is sure to lull people to sleep.



1. The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Here is another epic that could quite possibly be one of the best films for snoozing especially much of scenes of the Shire early in the film. Soothing music (see/listen to the YouTube clip below), Gandalf's soothing voice, rich pastoral scenes. You'll be sleeping in no time and you'll miss all that loud action at the end.




So, there you are Movies To Fall Asleep To. Of course, the trouble is that often times we associate these movies with sleep and it's nearly impossible to watch them "for reals" without falling asleep.

Oh well. Keep up the good work and keep us snoozing!


Regards,
Everyone

Honorable Mention: It's not really a movie but Planet Earth as narrated by Sir David Attenborough is fantastic to fall asleep to.

What are your favorite movies to fall asleep to?

Dear Vitamin Water Vending Machine,

Not too long ago, we learned that some vending machines take credit cards and we also learned some new Vitamin Water flavors.

What we discovered the other day takes the best of both worlds and puts them into one machine. That machine is you, Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

When we walked past you, we did a double-take. Our heads snapped back, wondering, "Did we just have a stroke? Are we hallucinating?" This is no dream. This is reality. Our hearts were filled with joy.

You could never let us down, Vitamin Water Vending Machine. Keep up the fantastic work.


Regards,
Everyone

Some people like to play those "Desert Island..." games. Like, what are the Top 5 foods you'd have on a desert island or what hot babes/dudes would you want to have on the island or the Top 5 albums you'd take to a desert island.

But I've got a new spin on this game: What are your Top 3 Desert Island Vending Machines?

3. M&M vending machine.
2. A beer vending machine.
1. And, of course, the Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Good Ballpoint Pens,

Humans are forever lamenting the fact that they can't find a "good pen" these days. Where have you gone, Good Ballpoint Pens? We try out different pens, we go to different office supply stores, sometimes we even go with the free ones our bank gives us 'cause we signed up for free-checking!

But, alas, none are good enough and the struggle continues.

The frustrating part is that we know you're out there, Good Ballpoint Pens. We know because there are others who don't complain about their pens at all. They seem to be happy with their Ballpoint Pens.

They are happy with their smudgeless checks, evenly spread ink on notebook paper, and birthday card notes that don't have letters scratched in a few times because the ink won't work on the high-gloss paper.

Listen, we'd all love to have a Montblanc pen but we're looking for good working-class sort of pens. An everyday pen. A Good Ballpoint Pen.

And after many months of searching, we think we've found some fine candidates! Here are our Top 3 "Good Ballpoint Pens":

3. Uni-Ball Vision: A steady and even distribution of ink keeps us reaching for this pen again and again. As with all capped pens, be sure to place the cap at the end of the pen to keep the pen balanced nicely while you write.

2. Uni-Ball Deluxe: This classic and classy looking gold barrel pen is fantastic! The 0.5mm micro-point version (you can find them in a dark-gray barrel) is a bit too tiny for our tastes and the ink does not seem to distribute as well especially when the ink starts to run out. However, from start to finish, the 0.7mm point in the gold barrel certainly provides an excellent distribution of ink on almost any writing surface!

1. Zebra Sarasa: This pen certainly surprised us when it was handed to us at the bank. So taken aback at the quality, we made at least two praise-filled comments to the teller and she kindly offered to let us keep it. The comfortable rubber grip, an excellent blend of water-based pigment gel ink, the convenience of the retractable point, are all qualities that makes this an absolutely wonderful instrument of writing. How does it write? Like a dream. The navy blue color is very dark, the distribution of ink is thick but very even and it dries quickly for smooth, quick and efficient writing.

As might notice, Good Ballpoint Pens, we certainly like the 0.7mm version of you. While we're fine with the compact efficiency of 0.5mm pens and its ability to write in small spaces, we prefer the 0.7mm and its thicker, smoother and more even distribution of ink to quickly write our impassioned love notes, our fervent manifestos, and our stern ransom letters.

We finally found you, Good Ballpoint Pen. Now it's time to buy you in bulk.


Regards,
Everyone

What are some of your favorite ballpoint pens? We're talking, like, consumer-model pens. Not ultra-nice, expensive, executive-model pens.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Baseball Movies,

With baseball season underway, it's time to reflect on you, Baseball Movies.


Here are the Top 3 Best Baseball Movies:

3. A League Of Their Own: Because there's no crying in baseball.



2. Bull Durham: You been in the show man?



1. Field Of Dreams: Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.



No other sports movie can evoke waves of nostalgia like you, Baseball Movies. You certainly warm my heart. You are as American as apple pie. And we sure like apple pie (it's better than Apple's lies).

Thanks, Baseball Movies.


Regards,
Everyone

Yahyah, I missed Major League and The Natural and Angels In The Outfield. Even Rookie Of The Year and The Sandlot didn't crack the Top 3. Sometimes you gotta choose between your children and it's never easy.


My future vacation spot:

Dear Original Nintendo,

There's Super Nintendo, N64, XBOX, PlayStation, the Sega Genesis, and the Atari but my heart always comes back to you, Original Nintendo.

Today, your games are frustrating and tedious, it takes 20 minutes to even get a cartridge working right, and your controllers are way too small for my hands but they evoke a feeling of nostalgia and joy that carbon-based humans cannot recreate.



My Top 3 Super-Childhood-Nostalgia-Memory NES Games:

3. Nintendo Ice Hockey
2. Tecmo Baseball (I know, I know. Everyone romanticizes Tecmo Bowl and Bo Jackson but it was baseball for me)
1. Super Mario Bros. 2

All incredible games. All better than all those other silly games out there.


Regards,
Everyone

What were your favorite original Nintendo games?

Super Mario Bros. 2 had the best theme song too and it's re-created beautifully here:


N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Female Film Characters I Want To Marry,

I would marry the real-life incarnations of you three in a heartbeat:

3. Jennifer Connelly in The Rocketeer


2. Winona Ryder in Reality Bites


1. Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation




Regards,
Everyone

Honorable Mentions: Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, Katherine Ross in The Graduate, Heather Graham in Swingers, Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice.

Dear Cruise Control,

To illustrate how much I love you, here is a list of the Top 3 inventions of the past 100 years:

3. Sliced Bread
2. Electricity
1. Cruise Control on my '99 Toyota Camry




Here is also a short list of the Top 3 places I use you:

3. San Vicente between Bundy and Ocean Ave.
2. Late-night drive down the 10 freeway between the 110 and PCH.
1. EVERYWHERE I CAN.

Apparently there is a cruise control feature on passenger vehicles with manual transmission too. This might combine my two most favorite things in motor vehicle engineering.

Life should be more like manual transmission and cruise control.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.