04 April 2009

Dear Martin Luther King, Jr.,

Even though we still have your pictures, your words, and your speeches, it would still be awfully nice if we still had your voice of reason in this crazy ol' world today.

Rest in peace.


Photos from the aftermath of Dr. King's murder were just released by LIFE Magazine:
ATLANTA – Almost 41 years to the day after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, newly published photographs of the aftermath of his shooting at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn., are on a magazine's [LIFE Magazine] Web site.

03 April 2009

Dear Belaire,

You make a late-Friday afternoon that much more tolerable with your bright, upbeat tunes and dreamy vocals. But to call you "just another synthpop band from Austin, TX" would be an injustice! There is certainly quality here.

Are you too hipster for us? Probably. Is your music a little too twee our tastes? Most likely.

But we cannot deny that (a) it's Friday and (b) your music has been on repeat.



Dear Amazing Freestyle Rapper,

A few days we wrote a letter to Bag Raiders about their amazing song, "Shooting Stars."

Today we discovered you.

We discovered that you, Mr. Amazing Freestyle Rapper, decided to freestyle your own lyrics over the instrumental version of "Shooting Stars." Needless to say, your version is absolutely awesome:

Let us point out a few things we love about you and your video:
  1. You put your video in the "Sciene & Technology" category.
  2. The only tags in your video are SPEED, RACER and SEX.
  3. You have another video called "MY SPACESHIPS" (see below for 40 seconds of incredible-ness) featuring your Mercedes-Benz.
  4. You are a UFO: a Unique Fly Object.
  5. And so much more.
You've certainly got our "sex drive on coke Go Speed."


What is your favorite line? I know, I know. There are so many to choose from...

Please subscribe to his videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/ABU777ALI


02 April 2009

Dear Nut Processors,

Hey, assholes. Get with the program!
FRESNO, Calif. - Federal food officials are warning Americans not to eat any food containing pistachios because of possible contamination by salmonella, in another food scare sure to rattle consumers already upset by the contamination of peanuts with the same bacteria.
What does this mean for everyones childhood favorite: pistachio ice cream? What about the amazing pistachio cake? Or the always-popular pistachio pie? Nut Processors, you've ruined all these delicious delicacies.

But think about this, Nut Processors, maybe the United States government is trying to fight terrorism at the expense of American pistachio farmers. After all, Iran does produce a lot of pistachios.

The biggest fear, of course, is if sunflower seeds have salmonella. That would certainly be disastrous especially with the baseball season coming up.


Knowledge Awesome Knowledge:
Bulk container shipments of pistachio nuts are prone to self heating and spontaneous combustion because of their high fat and low water content.

Dear Original Nintendo,

There's Super Nintendo, N64, XBOX, PlayStation, the Sega Genesis, and the Atari but my heart always comes back to you, Original Nintendo.

Today, your games are frustrating and tedious, it takes 20 minutes to even get a cartridge working right, and your controllers are way too small for my hands but they evoke a feeling of nostalgia and joy that carbon-based humans cannot recreate.

My Top 3 Super-Childhood-Nostalgia-Memory NES Games:
3. Nintendo Ice Hockey
2. Tecmo Baseball (I know, I know. Everyone romanticizes Tecmo Bowl and Bo Jackson but it was baseball for me)
1. Super Mario Bros. 2
All incredible games. All better than all those other silly games out there.


What were your favorite original Nintendo games?

Super Mario Bros. 2 had the best theme song too and it's re-created beautifully here:

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

01 April 2009

Dear Alberta Cross,

You take a nouveau-Neil Young style and bring it together with a grittier Band of Horses vibe to create a rock 'n' roll sound that is very pleasant to our ears:

Please continue making more great music like this. Thanks.


Please beg, borrow, steal or buy their EP. They have a new album coming out in the next couple months too.

Watch their "Hard Breaks" video here. It's another fantastic song. And they're playing Coachella this year too.

Dear Green Death Soccer Coach,

We're on your side.

We get it. You were being funny. You were down with a little satire, a little exaggeration. The fact that you had to resign is a complete and utter travesty!

How could they have a problem with your inspiring and encouraging and obviously tongue-in-cheek e-mail? Here are some highlights:
  • The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them.
  • The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
  • America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival...
  • I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.
  • Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?
All we see here, Green Death Soccer Coach, is you trying to empower these girls, giving them confidence and make them stronger.

And ultimately, these e-mails were going to the parents! Not the 6- or 7-year-old soccer munchkins themselves.

So those parents who complained? They are sad, humorless squares who probably complained about Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson when that "wardrobe malfunction" happened. Insane! How could these parents take your e-mail seriously? Unbelievable.

Your resignation letter states that you "do not apologize" for your actions.

And you never should.

We get it. And we're with you man!



31 March 2009

Dear Women Who Love To Shop,

It's probably your periods:
Women may be able to blame impulse buys and extravagant shopping on their time of the month, research suggests.

In the 10 days before their periods began women were more likely to go on a spending spree, a study found.
[BBC News]
Listen, Women Who Love To Shop, you might think it's bullshit. But last time we checked, if the BBC reports it, it's probably true.

Men are probably wishing they had an excuse for their impulse buys.


The funniest part of that BBC News article is that the caption underneath the picture of Carrie Bradshaw says: Sex and the City character Carrie Bradshaw loves to shop.

And that's it. See what they did there?

Dear Bag Raiders,

In spite of your funny name, you have a pretty awesome song called "Shooting Stars." Sure, I heard it while shopping at Urban Outfitters. Sure, it was probably a cheap marketing ploy to pimp your show in Los Angeles.

But it sure stuck in my head:

There seems to be a lot of great electronic music coming out Australia these days like Empire of the Sun, Cut Copy and The Presets. I'll have to add you guys to the list, Bag Raiders.


Like what you hear and want some more?

Listen to "Turbo Love" for their best impression of Daft Punk. Also give "Fun Punch" a listen and watch the fantastic Power-Rangers-inspired music video!

30 March 2009

Dear iTunes Variable Pricing,

You are inevitable:
The world's largest music store, Apple's iTunes, plans to boost the price of many hit singles and selected classic tracks to $1.29 on April 7, breaking the psychological barrier of 99 cents in what could be the first big test of how much consumers are willing to pay to download individual songs.

Although the date for higher prices has not been publicly announced, Apple has been notifying record labels it will go into effect on that date, industry executives said.
~ LA Times
Just letting you know, iTunes Variable Pricing, that while you're raising prices Amazon is lowering their prices. Just sayin'

Oh, and Amazon also gives away FREE indie music samplers online.

Sure, maybe you do stuff like that too iTunes, but I'm just reminding you that you're not the end-all, be-all.


7 April '09 - Update: Well, it happened today!

Rihanna's song "Disturbia" will set you back $1.29, Carrie Underwood's hit "Home Sweet Home" is taking $1.29 out of your pocket. "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback and "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey are all going to cost you over a buck. But you can still get "Womanizer" by Britney Spears and "I Love College" by Asher Roth for $0.99.

Mixed feelings there.

Now, some songs were supposed to be as cheap as $0.69. Where are those tunes? Well, you can get "I Ran (So Far Away)" by Flock of Seagulls for $0.69. A whole bunch of classic R&B/Motown tunes for $0.69. Also, "Rain King" by the Counting Crows, "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and a live version of Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" is only two quarters, a dime, a nickel and four pennies.

Amazon.com seems to have very similar pricing. We'll see how they react.

Dear ShamWow Guy,

We've all seen you pitch the ShamWow. You do a pretty awesome job. I can't sleep 'cause your late night infomercials PUMP ME UP. I can't sleep because I want max out my credit cards and buy THIRTY-FUCKING-SHAMWOWS.

Are you on commission? Because you must be making buckets of money.

In fact, word just came out that (a) you make enough money to blow on hookers and (b) you like to get involved with some violent hookers.

Let's get this straight, ShamWow Guy:
  • You meet a hooker at a Miami club.
  • Hooker says, "Let's have straight sex."
  • Apparently you are excited by this proposition.
  • So excited that you give the hooker $1,000.00 USD in cash.
  • You kiss this hooker.
  • In the course of kissing, she bites down on your tongue.
  • Using your fists, you pound the hooker in the face until she disengages from your tongue.
  • You run down the lobby (naked? bloody? screaming?)
  • You and the hooker get arrested.

After digesting these facts, I have two important questions for you:
  1. Have you NOT seen the movie Pretty Woman? I think everyone learned that you don't kiss hookers on the mouth - and certainly not with tongue - unless you Love them.
  2. Did you wipe off your bloodied face with a ShamWow? I sure hope you did!!!
I'll be honest with you, ShamWow Guy, I was on the fence about buying some ShamWows but now I'm definitely buying a ShamWow or fifty.

Your insane amazing hooker stunt is the BEST. MARKETING. PLOY. EVER.


29 March 2009

Dear M. Ward,

Yah, we get it. You're cool 'cause you play music with Zoey Deschanel and recorded with Norah Jones and Cat Power and Beth Orton and played on stage with Bright Eyes, worked with My Morning Jacket. Blah blah blah.

But let's face it. When you're good, you're good. And good thing all that work with other artists hasn't sapped any of your creative energy from your own records.

Simply put: You are fantastic Sunday morning music.

In fact, you're quite easily fantastic every day music.