Thousands of miles from their native Tasmania, the wallabies help keep the garden trim and have been a big success with the family's three children. [BBC]
Okay, okay. So it turns out that we need, like, a whole herdpod bunch of you guys to really effectively cut the grass. But why wouldn't we want a handful of you guys to keep the yard trim?
We have weighed the pros and cons:
Pro
Wallabies are awesome.
They are mini-kangaroos.
They will keep your grass trim.
If wallabies become boring, they can be made into Wallaby Burgers.
Con
You cannot train them to box humans like a kangaroo.
We think the evidence is pretty clear, Wallaby. We are going to start getting you into our gardens.
Humans probably used to rely on echolocation far more in the days before artificial lighting, when we had to find our way round in the dark. The readiness with which people learn sonar suggests to me it may be an inbuilt skill. [New Scientist]
This Daniel Kish guy is blind but he's using a series of clicks to find his way. This is fantastic news!
Kish is the man that is going to lead the revolution against you, you creepy Bats and Dolphins. You guys thought you could enslave humans but you're wrong. Dead wrong.
Kish's tactics and training methods will certainly lead us to victory over all echolocating enemies foreign and domestic!
We thought you jerks flew around and chased people around and got in their hair. But here you are crawling around and being more menacing and disgusting. You creep us out more than a mustached child-molester in a molester van.
Whatever happened to the whole flying thing? Did you eliminate it to maximize your creepiness?
And lets be honest here, your name doesn't really help either. Take one of the most feared supernatural beings of all time, the Vampire, and take one of the most disgusting creatures of all time, the Bat, and we get you: Vampire Bat.
We know what you're thinking, Vampire Bat. You think that Twilight did a pretty good public service for you.
You got much of the teenage world thinking that some vampires can be nice and these teenage kids girls are now thinking they can cruise right up to you and say, "What's up? Can you be my Edward Cullen?"
It's a pretty good scam but we know that the first chance you get, you'll bite 'em, suck out all their blood and leave them for dead in a ditch.
Listen, all we know is that one of the toughest guys we know is Bruce Wayne and he had to pretend to be a bat to conquer his fear of bats. That's why it's okay if we are scared of you and that's why it's okay we hate your little bat guts.
So, Vampire Bats? Stick with flying, stay away from me and go to hell.
We forgot about you. And we can't believe we forgot about you guys. But we found you again. And all is well in the world. Take two things:
The fantastic garage-rock song "Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes.
Your kitten band.
Animate you guys so you'll play drums and guitar with your paws and we get an explosion of cuteness the likes of which we haven't seen since Kittenwar.com!
Okay, so there's the regular flu. There's "flu" that we get when we want to ditch work to see an mid-afternoon baseball game. There's the bird flu. And now there's swine flu?
For decades we've been taught to love our curly-tailed friends! We've been taught to respect you and care about you, Pig. We all read saw you do amazing things in Babe. And we all saw read about your amazing accomplishments in Charlotte's Web. You are quite an inspirational and intelligent creature! But now we are growing to fear you!
WASHINGTON - The world’s governments raced to avoid both a pandemic and global hysteria Sunday as more possible swine flu cases surfaced from Canada to New Zealand and the United States declared a public health emergency. [MSNBC]
We had to declare a health emergency because of you, you goddamn Pig! Unbelievable! This sort of hogwash isn't supposed to happen here.
Swine Flu is transmitted if a human touches you. We're not touching any of you for a very long time. But someone has. Some - shockingly not-surprisingly - are students! What the hell are students doing touching you on Spring Break trips in Mexico?!
Canada became the third country to confirm cases, in six people, including some students who — like some New York City spring-breakers — got mildly ill in Mexico. [MSNBC]
We're not sure what is worse: You Pigs not getting their flu shots every season or these stupid humans handling you Pigs when they should be enjoying foam parties in Cancún.
So, Pig, if you know what's good for you, you'll steer clear from us. We're looking forward to a great summer and not a summer in bed fighting off the Swine Flu.
It's pretty clear that we've been waiting a long time for you to make your debut into the world:
This is pretty amazing. Using you, Octopus Technology, we can make robots that can squeeze into the nooks and crannies of the ocean floor.
But what other Cephalopod Creations can we conjure up?
We can think of a some:
Octopus Hand: We would easily replace our own lame and inferior human hands with Octopus Hands. These would be hands that can grab the loose change in between the car seats or the remote control that fell behind the couch.
Octopus Foot: Our useless and worthless human feet could be replaced with stupendous Octopus Technology to climb walls and hang from ceiling fans.
Pet Robot Octopus: Why not? Enjoy the fun of a Pet Octopus walkingcrawlingslithering octopus-ing across the floor and bringing you beers but without the 500-gallon aquarium. And without the embarrassing (and inevitable) "Holy-fuck-I've-got-a-REAL-LIVE-Octopus-on-my-goddamn-face" 911 call.
Octopus Mobile Phone: No more "Oh Shit" moments where your phone gets dropped, stepped on, kicked, run over by cars. With this Octopus Technology, your phone would be virtually indestructible.
Thanks for all that you can offer us, Octopus Technology. We have certainly come a long way from putting suction cups on everything and throwing a gel-like octopus on the wall and watch it tumble down.
We're looking forward to vastly improving our sad, Octopus-Technology-less lives.
We demonstrate by means of simple, noninvasive methods (analysis of satellite images, field observations, and measuring “deer beds” in snow) that domestic cattle (n = 8,510 in 308 pastures) across the globe, and grazing and resting red and roe deer (n = 2,974 at 241 localities), align their body axes in roughly a north–south direction. [PNAS]
We are certainly waiting for the day when cows can be miniaturized and then used as a compass instead of some sort of silly needle pointing towards an N. And screw you North Star. We can never see you in big cities anyway. And we certainly can't tell which star is which if we're in a desert. Brightest one? Lies.
Anyway, imagine that: a Miniature Cow Compass.
You have a friend and a sense of direction! Thanks, Cow Compass, for showing us the way.
Regards, Everyone
When I was a kid I wanted to be cartographer and the compass rose was my favorite part of the map. And the legend, of course.
We don't know what plans you have for yourselves and the world but it's really only a matter of time before you take over the world with your creepy language and your superior intelligence and learning skills.
First there's bubble rings that you can manipulate with your snout and then what? Seashell-Bombs to kill all humans?!
Not surprisingly, The Onion broke the story of dolphins and their opposable thumbs back in 2000:
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems. [The Onion // 30 Aug 2000]
First it's thumbs and then what? Some sort of water-helmet device that allows you to breathe out of water and enslave humans?!
Listen, Dolphins Who Blow Rings, with Barack Obama in the White House bringing Republicans and Democrats together, we feel as if President Obama can bring Dolphins and Humans together. We can truly coexist in peace and happiness.
That bit of nostalgia got us thinking, imagine how long it took you to get to 646-pounds! Imagine what incredible stories you have from the murky waters of Thailand! Were you in the war? How many medals did you get? How many humans have you eaten?
Anyway, you're endangered but you probably fed a family and their extended family for weeks on end.
It happens, Giant Catfish. Way to take one for the team.
A bat that was clinging to space shuttle Discovery’s external fuel tank during the countdown to launch the STS-119 mission remained with the spacecraft as it cleared the tower, analysts at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center concluded.
Hey you, Craig Clasen. Remember how you fought a shark? And won? We remember.
Sure, there's some argument about whether or not it was actually necessary to kill the shark. Sure, some people don't like spearfishermen. Sure, there are some other "ethical" issues being thrown about. Some even claim that your story isn't entirely true.
Whatever. Screw those non-believers.
They don't understand that you fought and killed a 12-foot tiger shark. A TIGER SHARK.
Take one of the most ferocious creatures on land - a tiger - and take one of the most ferocious creatures of the sea - a shark - and combine them together and you get this Chimera-esque beast known as a TIGER SHARK.
And you fought off this monstrosity.
We'll be honest with you: That is pretty bad ass.
Regards, Everyone
Here's a short video clip of Clasen battling the shark. Most of the video is just some gorgeous underwater shots but you'll get a little bit of the shark action.
Click here for a neat photo gallery which includes the man himself below:
"A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared." [ Yahoo! News ]
Now, does it surprise you that this capricious chimp is named Santino?
I remember another temperamental Santino:
Keep fucking up those humans, Santino. Both of yous.
You guys are pretty fucking cool. You have long memories, you visit your dead relatives, you are pretty intelligent, you can balance on an over-sized beach ball at the circus, and you also do what I wish I could do to the morons in the general population: go on a rampage and stomp them.
Sure, there were more "important" stories regarding the economy, gas prices, war, the stimulus package, the Oscars, gas explosions, etc. but you deserve your day in the sun. Sunbathing, of course. That's what cats do.
Rest in Peace, Socks. We didn't even know cats could get cancer of the mouth. Maybe you should've stopped chewing tobacco. Crazy ol' cat. Maybe your death will help people realize that Universal Animal Health Care is just as important as Universal Health Care for humans.
Thank you for cutting our grass!
Watch out, assholes!
