28 August 2009

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

When standard boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]

2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.

1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.

Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.


Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

26 August 2009

Dear Vampires,

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another cash-cow cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.

Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.

You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.


Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]

25 August 2009

Dear Heisters,

You're kind of like a shyster but better, because you're a Heister.
The smartly dressed duo went into Graff Jewellers in the upmarket Mayfair district last Thursday afternoon, threatened staff with handguns and briefly took a female member of staff hostage.
It is you, "smartly dressed" Heisters, that give us faith in the fantasy.

I mean especially with movie after movie after movie about incredible heists it's reassuring to know that heisting really does take place in real life especially in digital age where heisting is probably a way bigger risk than it was before clever heist-stopping inventions like fingerprints, DNA, and video cameras were created to stop you Heisters.

I mean really, we live in a time people get caught by Google Street View jumping fences and coming out of porn shops!

So, it's nice to know that some men in this world actually have the balls to come through and really pull off a grand heist and not get caught within the first 30 seconds.

Kudos to you, Heisters.


Ed. Note: You know who to contact if you see those Heisters in the photo above.

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

24 August 2009

Dear Overdub,

Listen, we thought that Monday was going to kick us in back of the head while we weren't paying attention but then we came across this song. And this song is going to save our day:

We don't need to tell you that this song is awesome. But, Overdub, we'll say it: This song is awesome.

Radiohead's "15 Step" and Dave Brubeck's jazz classic "Take Five" seem to be the most unlikely of combinations but that's why this mashup works so well.

It takes vision and foresight and true knowledge of music to make this work as gloriously as it does.

Well, Overdub, that and we're just suckers for mashups.

Thanks again for helping out with Monday.


Overdub has a ton of bootlegs available for you to download. Head to the web site and check out all the awesome mashups.

To head to the Radiohead vs. Dave Brubeck mashup - "Five Step" - you can head to this page and it should be the fifth song down. Enjoy!