19 May 2009

Dear Oil Prices,

Oh boy. We see what you're doing there, asshole. Did you think that we'd be distracted by Obama and abortion, and earthquakes but as we gear up for the Memorial Day weekend, we see your prices creeping up!
"Retail gasoline prices inched up again overnight to a new national average of $2.311 for a gallon of regular unleaded, according to auto club AAA, Wright Express and Oil Price Information Service.

That’s their highest level since early November, and about 71 cents per gallon above where retail gas ended 2008."
What the hell? You should probably help us out a bit and drop some prices while we go drive around and try and jump start this crazy ol' economy.

There's apparently this supply and demand thing that screws with your prices.

More like supply and LAME.

Yah. That's all we got.


18 May 2009

Dear David Caruso,

So, it's Monday afternoon and we are starting to drag. We need a quick little break and re-energize ourselves and get through to the end of the day.

What better way to take a quick break than with some clips from your critically acclaimed highly rated television show: CSI: Miami.

Your one-liners are absolutely classic. Beginning of the show, slipping on the sunglasses, delivering the line, then intro to that Who song in the title sequence.

Absolute gold.

That's why we keep coming back, David. That's why.


Sure it's a seven minute clip but just get it started and sort of zone out to David Caruso in the most Zen way you can. And it's therapeutic.

Dear NBA Playoffs,

Let's be honest here. You are WAY too long. These best-of-seven first round series are absolutely brutal.

Let's speed up the early rounds a bit. Let's give it some of that college basketball excitement!

Listen. We get it. It's all about the dollars. Longer playoffs, more television, more advertising, etc.

It's mid-April now. And the NBA Finals start in early June. You've got to be kidding me, right? Where's the sense of urgency? Speed it up, NBA Playoffs!


Update (18 May '09): You're still taking way too long. We originally wrote this letter on 19 April. That's basically a month ago and we're only just entering the Western and Eastern Conference finals. Jeez.

Sure, that Lakers-Rockets and Celtics-Magic series going to Game 7 was pretty exciting but c'mon. We just get exhausted thinking about yet another set of seven game series.

Let's just skip ahead to the NBA Finals! Let's just match up the Lakers and Cavaliers already - that's what Nike and Vitamin Water want anyway - and just give the NBA their ratings and their money.

You know David Stern is currently pulling the strings right now to make Lakers-Cavs happen.

For the best interest of the Association, of course. And ratings. And sponsors.

I think these adverts are pretty awesome: