15 May 2009

Dear Friendly Fires - "Paris" (Aeroplane Remix),

It's Friday and we should be rejoicing!

Should be.

However, Friday - as it is wont to do - is dragging its feet. Slowly crawling to the finish line. Being a complete jerk about it. Like an old person walking in front of you on a sidewalk that is far too narrow.

Thankfully you are around, Friendly Fires! Your fantastic song "Paris" has been remixed into a wonderfully summery choon:

Thanks guys, this is sure to make this Friday move along a bit more quickly.


N.B. Don't mind the Paris Hilton, just mind the song.


14 May 2009

Dear Guy Who Balances On The Edge,

Who do you think you are? We guess you're kinda like a modern day Philippe Petit or something.

Here you are balancing on a bike. On a platform. A platform that is hanging over the edge of the Troll Wall in Norway. Drunk!

No, you're not drunk but you've got to have a little bit of crazy in your head to do the things you do.

We have a hard enough time riding a bike, let alone balance on it in a stationary position, on the edge of a freakin' mountain.

Listen, we get it. You can balance on stuff. You can ride your bike across a tight rope. You can do a handstand at the edge of a cliff. You balance on a chair. You have got a strong core. You don't use safety cables. You're "death-defying."

Yah, yah. It's a performance. It's art. It's a physical feat. We get it.

Whatever. We're not impressed until you balance yourself at the edge of the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

Although, we couldn't scoff at you balancing on the Burj:
"I would dream of balancing on the top of the Burj in Dubai, the tallest building in the world."
[Daily Mail]
Keep us posted and don't fall.

Better yet, just get a job. Crazy hippie.


To see more of Eskil Rønningsbakken doing his thing, click over to http://globalbalancing.com/

Dear Wallaby,

Thank you for cutting our grass!
Thousands of miles from their native Tasmania, the wallabies help keep the garden trim and have been a big success with the family's three children.
Okay, okay. So it turns out that we need, like, a whole herd pod bunch of you guys to really effectively cut the grass. But why wouldn't we want a handful of you guys to keep the yard trim?

We have weighed the pros and cons:

  • Wallabies are awesome.
  • They are mini-kangaroos.
  • They will keep your grass trim.
  • If wallabies become boring, they can be made into Wallaby Burgers.
  • You cannot train them to box humans like a kangaroo.

We think the evidence is pretty clear, Wallaby. We are going to start getting you into our gardens.

Or our grills.


13 May 2009

Dear Bats and Dolphins,

Watch out, assholes!

Recently we showed some concern about vampire bats and their marine, echo locating counterparts but soon humans will be able to play your game!
Humans probably used to rely on echolocation far more in the days before artificial lighting, when we had to find our way round in the dark. The readiness with which people learn sonar suggests to me it may be an inbuilt skill.
[New Scientist]
This Daniel Kish guy is blind but he's using a series of clicks to find his way. This is fantastic news!

Kish is the man that is going to lead the revolution against you, you creepy Bats and Dolphins. You guys thought you could enslave humans but you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Kish's tactics and training methods will certainly lead us to victory over all echolocating enemies foreign and domestic!

Daniel Kish is our real-life John Connor.

May your wings and flippers tremble with fear.


Seriously, though, this might have some awesome functions during times of peace between dolphins and bats and humans:

12 May 2009

Dear Women Who Spend Lavishly,

Watch out!!
Arab News, a Saudi English-language daily newspaper based in Riyadh, reported that Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."
Clearly, Judge Al-Razine did not read our letter to women which let them know that their menstrual cycle may be the culprit for increased impulse purchases. Otherwise, he might have been a little more understanding (probably not).

We understand how this sucks, Women Who Spend Lavishly in Saudia Arabia. Your periods are telling you to buy that Dolce & Gabbana abaya and even if it's on sale you might get slapped.

Perhaps we can offer some suggestions on how to avoid getting slapped:
  • Respectfully inform your husband about the fragile world economy and offer to accept only 400 riyals for a shopping spree.
  • Ask permission to buy more of those sexy abayas that he likes so much.
  • Use the money left over to buy him a new cricket bat.
  • Chop off his woman-hating hands.
Clearly these men are concerned that you will slap them for their inane purchases.


Arab News reported that Al-Razine made his remark as he was attempting to explain why incidents of domestic violence had increased in Saudi Arabia. He said that women and men shared responsibility, but added that "nobody puts even a fraction of blame" on women, the newspaper said.

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.
Call me crazy, but physical violence probably isn't the best way to go about "correcting" a woman's behavior. Or anyone's behavior for that matter.

Dear Old School Computers,

We're glad you got the band back together to rock 'n' roll once more.

If the original version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" wasn't epic enough, your version of this classic is absolutely stunning:

Somewhere out there in a galaxy far, far away, R2-D2 is waving a lighter to this version of the song.


11 May 2009

Dear Honda Robo Legs,

Oh, boy. We see what you're doing Honda Robo Legs. You're slowly encouraging the cyborgization of society. We're not saying we're not open to change but we think there are some serious issues that come up when we start to turn humans into cyborgs.
The device is designed for people who are capable of walking and maneuvering on their own, but who can benefit from additional leg and body support while performing tasks.
[Honda press release]
See, this is where the problems start, Honda Robo Legs.

First, it's Robo Legs. Then it's Robo Arms. Then it's Robo Hands. Then it's Robo Torso. Then Robo Stomach. Robo Eye. Robo Brain. Robo Heart.


See what you started, Honda Robo Legs? You started the slippery slope to Cyborg.

Can you have that on your conscience?

What will do with all of the inevitable Robo Issues Robossues that are going to come up?
  • Will these Honda-enhanced Cyborgs be allowed to play sports with humans? Or will they be shunned?
  • Will human law enforcement have the necessary tools (laser guns, et al.) to fight back against a potential probable inevitable Cyborg revolution?
  • Will humans really be able to Love a Cyborg?
  • When is a human too Cyborg-y? At 25% Cyborg? 40% Cyborg? 50% Cyborg? 75% Cyborg?

Sure, the short term solution is to help the elderly and others with mobility issues but have you considered the long terms Robossues, Honda Robo Legs?

We sure hope so. If not, please think long and hard about the path you are about to lead humans.

We don't even know why we trusted you in the first place. This must the first of your Robo Deception Roboception.