Dear Time Warner Cable,

This is the second time in two weeks that our cable TV and Internet has been out for over a day. I mean, thanks for fixing it. I guess. All your service folk are actually nice. But these problems probably shouldn't happen in the first place, right?

Aside from the obvious, I'm not sure what an amplifier does but I took a look at it and its RadioShack-style power supply and - let's be honest here - it doesn't look all that complicated. These things shouldn't be breaking down.

So, c'mon assholes pull your shit together.

And while I'm ranting ... Why the hell did you move Animal Planet to some premium cable package after you bought Adelphia? Jerks.

Whatever. I'm probably switching to AT&T's TV and Internet service anyway. Like a gold-digging boy/girlfriend, I've wasted enough time and money on you.

Thanks for playing, Time Warner Cable. You'll get 'em next season.


Regards,
Everyone

The culprit:

Dear Friday,

Thanks for stopping by. Now hurry the fuck up and get out of here.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Heath Ledger,

If you don't win the Oscar, the Academy have no souls.

And this is Hollywood, right? Let's be honest here, you winning the Oscar is good television.

Rest In Peace, buddy.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Tetris,

Wow! Thanks for helping me with my Post-Traumatic Stress Order!

Well, at least according to this research article.

Now where did I put my Nintendo Game Boy .....


Regards,
Everyone

Stop nightmares and flashbacks. Play Tetris: http://www.freetetris.org/

Dear F. Scott Fitzgerald,

Boy, I sure hope that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins Best Adapted Screenplay at the Academy Awards this Sunday so you can get a shout-out.

Big ups to, F.S.F.! w00t, w00t! holla!!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Kung Fu Panda and Bolt,

Thanks for trying. Maybe the year Pixar doesn't release a film like WALL-E you can win a golden statue.


Regards,
Everyone

There's some interesting commentary regarding the portrayal of weight, gender and race in WALL-E as illustrated by this blogger.

Dear Old Person In Front Of Me,

Please organize your goddamn coupons, punch-in your phone number, then punch it in again, realize you changed your phone number, then punch it in again and have your check written out before the cashier is done. And bring a pen.

I swear there must be an army of geriatrics that mobilizes and gets in front of me every time I'm in line at the grocery store.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Slumdog Millionaire,

We hope you win best picture this Sunday and we hope Danny Boyle wins best director (if only as a small "thank you" for Trainspotting).



Regards,
Everyone

Dear Kate Winslet,

Remember that time you were on the hit comedy show Extras with Ricky Gervais and you said that you were doing a Holocaust movie just so you could win an Oscar?

Yah, I remember! It was a great episode.

Remember how you're up for an Oscar for The Reader?

I remember!!

I'm glad reporters caught the bit of irony as well (see video below).



You're a good sport, Kate! Hope you win that Oscar.

Don't become a Susan Lucci. Thanks.


Regards,
Everyone



The book is better:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Reader

Dear Dodgers,

Pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training yesterday. All other players report on 22 February. I'm starting to get that baseball fever.

Oh, and - no joke - last night I had a dream that Juan Pierre hit a home run.

What a cruel, cruel dream.


Regards,
Everyone