07 May 2009

Dear Red Sox Customer Service,

We would like to lodge a complaint.

On 31 July 2008, we worked out a trade between a few people for your baseball playing machine Manny Ramirez.

We are pleased to say that the Manny Ramirez worked beyond expectation in the summer and the fall. There were some issues getting the Manny Ramirez to operate properly in the winter but those issues were solved when we realized - as with a lot of baseball playing machines - we just had to put a lot of cash into the battery area to keep it running.

Apparently a lot of baseball playing machines don't run on "pride" and "the love of the game" anymore.

Unfortunately, your product broke down this spring and it appears to be from a pre-existing condition that was not disclosed to us. It seems if this Manny Ramirez baseball playing machine likes to take banned substances and now Major League Baseball won't let us use it on the playing field!

We know that your organization prides itself on putting a quality product on the field and outstanding customer service. We know you believe in turnings wrongs into rights.

Therefore, we would like to return this broken product in exchange for a product of equal or lesser value.

Kevin Youkilis will be more than acceptable or even J.D. Drew Jason Bay.

We believe this is a fair exchange.

We will be looking forward to your UPS return shipping label in our mail box.

Thank you for your time, consideration and understanding.

Everyone Los Angeles Dodgers

Steroids has become such a high-profile issue in baseball. Why would you even risk it?
Manny Ramirez has failed a drug test and has been suspended 50 games starting today, Major League Baseball confirmed.

The suspension will cost Ramirez $7.7 million, or roughly 31% of his $25-million salary. Players in violation of baseball's drug policy are not paid during suspensions.
[LA Times]
Manny says he was taking a fertility drug. Or was he taking a woman's fertility drug that kick starts your testosterone again after using steroids?

Either way, a lot of disappointment and frustration for Dodger fans who have seen their team get out to a really hot start this season.

06 May 2009

Dear MTV The Grind,

Ahh. We remember you with such feelings of nostalgia!

This was when cable television was still innocent. This was when the critics were saying, "A 24-hour news channel? That's ridiculous! A 24-hour sports network? Crazy talk! A channel that plays music 24-hours a day? Nonsense!"

MTV looked this critics straight in the eye and said, "Fuck you. We're playing music all day long." [Ironically, MTV barely plays music anymore].

Like a dictator drunk with power, MTV even decided they'd revive that American Bandstand and Soul Train sort of vibe with you - The Grind - and bring dance music to the masses.

The pitch probably went something like this:
  • Think American Bandstand meets Soul Train
  • Think scantily clad chicks and muscle-bound dudes dancing.
  • Think of them dancing around a pool to the latest dance-club hits.

Of course, as you remember, you also spawned a bunch of workout DVDs tapes.

But sometimes all good things must come to an end.

And your end was quite sad.

You had to tape episodes on top of a roof in New York and due to noise ordinances, your episodes had to be taped without music. We can only imagine how the dancers had to manage in such music-less conditions.

But we still remember you with fondness. Especially when we have our nostalgia-filled MTV The Grind parties!


Yes, this show was that cheesy.

05 May 2009

Dear Jean-Claude Van Damme,

Listen, when you first hit the scene, you were pretty incredible. Movies like Bloodsport, Kickboxer and Lionheart may have single-handedly revived the martial arts/action movie genre.

But then came films like Double Impact (We can't suspend that much belief), Universal Soldier, Street Fighter, Timecop, Double Team (Yep, the one with Dennis Rodman), Legiona--, well, we won't continue. You probably get the point.

But then you turn around with this piece of brilliance:

Jean-Claude, you've outdone yourself! JCVD looks absolutely awesome. We can't wait to pick this up on DVD on 25 April '09.

According to the Wikipedia, writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri has drawn upon some impressive influences: Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Robert Richardson.

So, Jean-Claude, you've surprised us with a depth that runs contrary to your many direct-to-video action films. The level of self-awareness and the ability to poke fun at your career is a revelation. And let's not forget that you seem to have done some proper acting here as well!

We are impressed. Well done, sir. May we never doubt you again.

Well, unless of course you go and do something stupid like make Universal Soldier 3.

P.S. So, Jean-Claude, we saw this movie. And it was pretty fucking incredible. Who knew that you had so much acting ability? This is definitely a "once-in-a-career" sort of thing and you nailed it right on the head.

Would it be too much to ask for more performances like this? Probably. You did set the bar pretty high.

But we'll watch your next film (on DVD) with the satisfaction of knowing what you are capable of.

Now back to the status quo!
Crap. There IS a third Universal Soldier film coming out. Goddamn you, Van Damme!!!

Knowledge (this guy does a surprising amount of double roles):

Dear Paul Gauguin,

Why did you cut off Vincent Van Gogh's ear?
History has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man.

They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend's ear.
[Daily Mail]
Oh it turns out that you were fighting with your ol' buddy Van Gogh about a prostitute.

Are you kidding me, Gauguin? You cut off your friends ear over a prostitute?

Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

Then you ditched your buddy. Van Gogh got all bummed out and then shot himself in the chest and died two days later.

You're an asshole, Gauguin. We're going to the Getty right now and tearing some holes in your paintings.