Dear Valentine's Day,

Oh, how I [1. love] [2. hate] you!

Some people might say that you're such a [1. Hallmark-created] [2. romantic] holiday. But fuck them. They don't understand how [1. wonderful] [2. vomit-inducing] this day can be!

What can be more [1. fantastic] [2. "fantastic"] than celebrating this [1. day of love] [2. day for martyrs]?

Now I'm off to [1. spend this day with my one and only] [2. slit my wrists if I see one more Valentine's Day advert].


[1. Love,] [2. Regards,]
Everyone

Choose your own adventure! Please pick 1. or 2. and stick with it. Or mix it up a bit if you like confusing yourself. Happy Valentine's Day you jackals.

Knowledge!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine

Dear Pedestrian,

Don't make me turn this into a hit-and-run.


Regards,
Everyone


I'm halfway into turning into a parking lot with ample time before the oncoming traffic gets to me. But here comes this pedestrian leisurely strolling up the sidewalk.

Can't you see me? Can't you see the oncoming traffic? Can't you see that I'm trying to get into this parking lot?

My car weighs about 15 times more than you.

Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Way.

Dear Christian Bale,

Thanks for taking that David kid to the dentist. I appreciate it. I appreciated it with a lot of Laugh-Out-Louds.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Ted Kefalinos,

Wow. You're baking "Drunken Negro Head" cookies at your bakery?!

Are you fucking kidding me?

We saw your interview with FOX 5 in New York. You're not exactly the next satirist of our generation.

Die.


Regards,
Everyone


Okay, it's actually kinda funny only because the baker thinks that he's done nothing wrong (FYI... he later apologized). That's his story and he's sticking to it.

Click here to read the Gothamist about it.

And here is New York's FOX 5 with the video:

Dear Live Nation and Ticketmaster,

So, it looks like you guys are hooking up, huh?

To paraphrase the LA Times music blog "Pop & Hiss" regarding your press release [PDF] ...

Maybe you'll "improve access and transparency" or maybe that means you'll fuck us and make the best/better seats available through some crazy, over-priced VIP ticket package.

Maybe you'll "improve ticket pricing options" or maybe you'll fuck us by charging more fees under the guise of clever promotions.

Maybe you'll "invest in ticketing technology" or maybe you'll fuck us by making us pay for it like you make us pay $2.50 to print out a PDF of our tickets.

Maybe you'll "increase event attendance" with your wealth of resources or maybe you'll fuck artists who don't get on board with you guys.

Maybe you will. Maybe you won't.

Maybe we agree with Senator Charles E. Schumer (D-NY):

"This merger would give a giant, new entity unrivaled power over concertgoers and the prices they pay to see their favorite artists and bands. It must be viewed skeptically and scrutinized with a fine-toothed comb by the Justice Department and the Federal Trade Commission."

Listen, at the end of the day, we just don't want you to fuck us over. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Gasoline,

You sonofabitch. I see your prices creeping up.

What, you think 'cause the economy and the stimulus is grabbing headlines you can raise your prices behind my back?

You think because I was placated by your cheap prices earlier this year I wouldn't be pissed off at your gas prices today?

Don't make me buy a Prius. Asshole.


Regards,
Everyone


Maybe this will help you find some decent gas prices:
http://www.losangelesgasprices.com/map_gas_prices.aspx

Dear Los Angeles Weather,

Make up your goddamn mind.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Chris Brown,

Alleged assault? On a woman? On Rhianna? And on Grammy night?

That's pretty classy. Allegedly.


Regards,
Everyone

LA Times: Singer Chris Brown under investigation in alleged assault

Dear President Obama,

This is why we love you.

Regards,
Everyone



Let's keep it simple:
1. Our president wrote a book.
2. He read the audio for his book.
3. He has a friend who curses a lot.
4. Here's a chance to listen to the president with some strong language.
5. Who said liberals have no backbone?
6. Check out the link below. Love it.

http://www.aprilwinchell.com/wp-content/cache/supercache/www.aprilwinchell.com/2009/02/05/barack-obama-is-tired-of-your-motherfucking-shit//index.html