Dear Green Death Soccer Coach,

We're on your side.

We get it. You were being funny. You were down with a little satire, a little exaggeration. The fact that you had to resign is a complete and utter travesty!

How could they have a problem with your inspiring and encouraging and obviously tongue-in-cheek e-mail? Here are some highlights:

• The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them.
• The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
• America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival...
• I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.
• Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

All we see here, Green Death Soccer Coach, is you trying to empower these girls, giving them confidence and make them stronger.

And ultimately, these e-mails were going to the parents! Not the 6- or 7-year-old soccer munchkins themselves.

So those parents who complained? They are sad, humorless squares who probably complained about Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson when that "wardrobe malfunction" happened. Insane! How could these parents take your e-mail seriously? Unbelievable.

Your resignation letter states that you "do not apologize" for your actions.

And you never should.

We get it. And we're with you man!

GO GREEN DEATH!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear AIG,

You want to hand out $165 million in bonuses. That's a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it? Thankfully you've asked some execs to return some of the bonuses. You guys are still assholes, though.

Now, the bonuses are the sexy story. It's a manageable dollar figure (in my head) that is being handed out to tangible entities: People.

But the REAL problem is the $170 billion that we gave you and that you should be paying back ASAP.

ONE-HUNDRED SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS. That doesn't even make sense in my head. That's like a ridiculous number Dr. Evil would spit out!



Do you see what they did there, AIG? It was funny back then 'cause it's a ridiculous number. Today $100+ billion dollars is a cold, stark reality. No one is laughing anymore. Well, that clip is still funny. So we're chuckling. Wryly.

Oh and don't let me forget to remind you about your sponsorships as well. One of the most visible being Manchester United.

Anyway. AIG? You guys are assholes. I'm sure we'll talk again later.



Regards,
Everyone

Dear David Beckham,

Remember when you signed a five year contract to help bring more attention to Major League Soccer here in the states?

We remember. You came to Los Angeles with much fanfare and made Americans (or at least Angelenos) care about American football soccer for about 5 seconds.

And then remember how you basically abandoned Major League Soccer? I also remember that.

Yah, we get it. Major League Soccer isn't that great. The LA Galaxy suck. Playing in Italy gives you a better change to play for England national team.

But you didn't even try! What the fuck Becks??

You play about 1.5 seasons the after much "public" (did anyone even notice?) wrangling with your AC Milan and Galaxy transfer trade, you finally agreed to play the rest of the season in Italy and then grace us with your presence in the MLS. And then what? Skip out on MLS?

Great.

We get it. You weren't supposed to be the savior of American soccer. But you were supposed to help it, not hurt it. Now the 27 soccer fans in the United States are left with a bad taste in their mouths.

Thanks for setting American soccer back.

Not that anyone really cared.




Regards,
Everyone

PS: Please win the World Cup for England. That's the least you can do for working so hard at trying to get back on the national team.



The promise of David Beckham falls short:

So, the stakes are higher now with his $250 million right foot in the league; a league he must take to another level with every ounce of charisma, charm and jaw-dropping skill on the field that he can muster. Beckham, Beckham, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can.

~ Kristian Dyer, 15 July 2007 column


N.B. Photo taken with my Canon D60 SLR.

Dear Liverpool FC,

What the hell are you doing?

You're not supposed to draw against a mid-table team like Manchester City. You're just not. Especially with Manchester United in unstoppable form and seemingly running away with the title with nary a challenge.

You're killing us here. Absolutely killing us.



Regards,
(Almost)Everyone