Dear Red Sox Customer Service,

We would like to lodge a complaint.

On 31 July 2008, we worked out a trade between a few people for your baseball playing machine Manny Ramirez.

We are pleased to say that the Manny Ramirez worked beyond expectation in the summer and the fall. There were some issues getting the Manny Ramirez to operate properly in the winter but those issues were solved when we realized - as with a lot of baseball playing machines - we just had to put a lot of cash into the battery area to keep it running.

Apparently a lot of baseball playing machines don't run on "pride" and "the love of the game" anymore.

Unfortunately, your product broke down this spring and it appears to be from a pre-existing condition that was not disclosed to us. It seems if this Manny Ramirez baseball playing machine likes to take banned substances and now Major League Baseball won't let us use it on the playing field!


We know that your organization prides itself on putting a quality product on the field and outstanding customer service. We know you believe in turnings wrongs into rights.

Therefore, we would like to return this broken product in exchange for a product of equal or lesser value.

Kevin Youkilis will be more than acceptable or even J.D. Drew Jason Bay.

We believe this is a fair exchange.

We will be looking forward to your UPS return shipping label in our mail box.

Thank you for your time, consideration and understanding.


Regards,
Everyone Los Angeles Dodgers

Steroids has become such a high-profile issue in baseball. Why would you even risk it?

Manny Ramirez has failed a drug test and has been suspended 50 games starting today, Major League Baseball confirmed.

The suspension will cost Ramirez $7.7 million, or roughly 31% of his $25-million salary. Players in violation of baseball's drug policy are not paid during suspensions.
[LA Times]

Manny says he was taking a fertility drug. Or was he taking a woman's fertility drug that kick starts your testosterone again after using steroids?

Either way, a lot of disappointment and frustration for Dodger fans who have seen their team get out to a really hot start this season.

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.


It's more than just the alleged steroid use cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:

When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
[SI.com]

You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
[ESPN]

Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!

Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.


Regards,
Everyone


Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Rodriguez

Dear Baseball Movies,

With baseball season underway, it's time to reflect on you, Baseball Movies.


Here are the Top 3 Best Baseball Movies:

3. A League Of Their Own: Because there's no crying in baseball.



2. Bull Durham: You been in the show man?



1. Field Of Dreams: Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.



No other sports movie can evoke waves of nostalgia like you, Baseball Movies. You certainly warm my heart. You are as American as apple pie. And we sure like apple pie (it's better than Apple's lies).

Thanks, Baseball Movies.


Regards,
Everyone

Yahyah, I missed Major League and The Natural and Angels In The Outfield. Even Rookie Of The Year and The Sandlot didn't crack the Top 3. Sometimes you gotta choose between your children and it's never easy.


My future vacation spot:

Dear Baseball Opening Day,

After a long cold winter you are finally here!

There will be peanuts and Cracker Jack and not caring whether I get back or not because I'll be root, root, rooting for the Dodgers and if they don't win it's a shame.

Sure, Baseball, you've broken our hearts with strikes and steroids. Sure, you've got a long season and your games are slow, but deep down in our hearts, we love you. We love the statistics, the meandering pace, the history, the lore, the chess match on the field. We love the fact that a hitter who is only successful 30% of time can be in the Hall of Fame. We love it all.

You're our constant:



You should be a national holiday and everyone should get a day off.


Regards,
Everyone

Let's go Dodgers!!!

Dear Dodgers,

Pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training yesterday. All other players report on 22 February. I'm starting to get that baseball fever.

Oh, and - no joke - last night I had a dream that Juan Pierre hit a home run.

What a cruel, cruel dream.


Regards,
Everyone