10 April 2009

Dear TV On The Radio,

Many people have tried and failed at covering David Bowie's classic song: "Heroes."

But you, TV On The Radio, have done a pretty stellar job at offering a new, groove-tastic, ass-shaking twist on the song but still retaining the epic qualities of the original:

Thanks for showing the world on how to do a proper cover without destroying the original song.

Oh, and you did the song for charity. That's not so bad either.


This album has a great track list:

Oh, and when are David Bowie and Coachella going to get together?

Dear Dolphins Who Blow Rings,

We are all worried.

We don't know what plans you have for yourselves and the world but it's really only a matter of time before you take over the world with your creepy language and your superior intelligence and learning skills.

First there's bubble rings that you can manipulate with your snout and then what? Seashell-Bombs to kill all humans?!

Not surprisingly, The Onion broke the story of dolphins and their opposable thumbs back in 2000:
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.
[The Onion // 30 Aug 2000]
First it's thumbs and then what? Some sort of water-helmet device that allows you to breathe out of water and enslave humans?!

Listen, Dolphins Who Blow Rings, with Barack Obama in the White House bringing Republicans and Democrats together, we feel as if President Obama can bring Dolphins and Humans together. We can truly coexist in peace and happiness.

Please have mercy on us.


09 April 2009

Dear Röyksopp,

Remember your "Remind Me" music video is pretty fascinating incredible fascinating?

We love the simple isometric visual style and all the infographics that remind us of USA Today old elementary science and social-studies text books.

"Remind Me" also reminds me that you just released a fantastic new record: Junior. I can't wait for the mellow counterpart that's coming this Fall: Senior.

"Vision One" off the latest record is a pretty stellar song:

Y'know, Röyksopp, many of your fans may have cringed from the over-exposure of your music especially in that Geico commercial. And to some your sophomore record, The Understanding, was a bit lackluster especially following your let's-put-this-on-repeat debut album. But this latest record is certainly a return to form! Upbeat grooves, chill synths, sparse, crisp production.

The latest record is clean and efficient. Just like what we've come to know and love from the Scandinavian region.

Keep it coming, Röyksopp!


Tomas Nilsson - a design student at Sweden’s Linköping University - has created a video in a very similar style as the "Remind Me" video and it is equally as captivating:

08 April 2009

Dear Steven Segal,

Where are you? We see that your Twitter hasn't been updated in ages.

You have gone missing. Or have you been sent on some secret mission by the United States government?

We know you can't really say but when seemingly ordinary Americans transporting food to Africa suddenly rise up to fight back ruthless Somalian pirates gives cause for our collective eyebrow to rise.
[T]he 20-member crew -- which was unarmed, according to the ship's owner -- managed to overpower the pirates and regain control, according to U.S. officials.
[LA Times]
Unarmed crew members? Overpowering swashbuckling AK-47-buckling pirates?

Let's be honest here, Steve. Those lily-livered bleeding-heart liberals taking food to Africa aren't going to be the ones fighting off those pirates. There has to be an X-Factor. A SEGAL-FACTOR.

So, our collective hat is off to you, sir. Thanks for saving Americans from pirates.


Chuck Norris, you've had your day in the sun. It's Segal Time.

Dear Coolio,

Sometimes mid-90s nostalgia hits you like a ton of bricks and inevitably the Coolio record comes out and we long for the days when MTV actually played music videos and when music videos were actually good.

Just like your fantastic funk-revival masterpiece "Fantastic Voyage" over here:

Nostalgia always leads way to the inevitable question of, "Where are they now?" And a quick search on Wikipedia reveals a sad, sad incident that happened very recently:
The hip-hop star was performing at Staffordshire University's Students' Union on Wednesday (25 Feb 09) night, when he decided to leap into the crowd.

But the audience parted, sending the star crashing to the floor. The students them reportedly mobbed the rapper, stealing his bandana, jewellery and shoes before the star was rescued by the venue's security team.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Coolio!

They took your rings, they took your rolex, damn, what's next? Possibly your dignity. What a shame. You do not deserve this fate, Coolio.

You will be in our nostalgic hearts. Always.



I know, I know, that "... damn, what's next" line is from Warren G's classic, "Regulate."

07 April 2009

Dear Baseball Movies,

With baseball season underway, it's time to reflect on you, Baseball Movies.

Here are the Top 3 Best Baseball Movies:

3. A League Of Their Own: Because there's no crying in baseball.

2. Bull Durham: You been in the show man?

1. Field Of Dreams: Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.

No other sports movie can evoke waves of nostalgia like you, Baseball Movies. You certainly warm my heart. You are as American as apple pie. And we sure like apple pie (it's better than Apple's lies).

Thanks, Baseball Movies.


Yahyah, I missed Major League and The Natural and Angels In The Outfield. Even Rookie Of The Year and The Sandlot didn't crack the Top 3. Sometimes you gotta choose between your children and it's never easy.

My future vacation spot:

Dear Grilling Season,

For months, we have driven home from work as the sun was setting and prepared dinner in our kitchens. We pan-fried steaks, roasted whole chickens, braised short ribs and poached salmon. We also made soups, stews and side dishes of roasted root vegetables.

And we enjoyed them all inside, awaiting your return.

Now you are back, and we are ready to open the valves on our propane tanks or fill our chimney starters with charcoal. We cannot wait to grill steaks, London broil, marinated chicken breasts, Italian sausage, salmon, mahi mahi, lamb chops and butterflied legs of lamb.

We might even stick a can of beer in the cavity of a chicken and roast it on the grill!

Oh yeah, maybe we'll also grill hot dogs and hamburgers.

Grilling Season, we missed you. It's about time you returned.


Ed. Note: I will certainly be making one of these Beer Can Chickens this summer!

N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.

06 April 2009

Dear Baseball Opening Day,

After a long cold winter you are finally here!

There will be peanuts and Cracker Jack and not caring whether I get back or not because I'll be root, root, rooting for the Dodgers and if they don't win it's a shame.

Sure, Baseball, you've broken our hearts with strikes and steroids. Sure, you've got a long season and your games are slow, but deep down in our hearts, we love you. We love the statistics, the meandering pace, the history, the lore, the chess match on the field. We love the fact that a hitter who is only successful 30% of time can be in the Hall of Fame. We love it all.

You're our constant:

You should be a national holiday and everyone should get a day off.


Let's go Dodgers!!!

Dear Giant Catfish,


But remember when that guy caught you back in the day?

I remember.

That bit of nostalgia got us thinking, imagine how long it took you to get to 646-pounds! Imagine what incredible stories you have from the murky waters of Thailand! Were you in the war? How many medals did you get? How many humans have you eaten?

Anyway, you're endangered but you probably fed a family and their extended family for weeks on end.

It happens, Giant Catfish. Way to take one for the team.


05 April 2009

Dear (Western Christian) God,

This is what we're talking about, God. None of this Ash bullshit!

This is Palm Sunday time!

This was the day Jesus cruises into Jerusalem and pretty much says, "How do you like Me now?" And everyone is hollering at Him and being, like, "You rock, Jesus!"

Then He swings by the Temple and was, like, "What the fuck? Not in My house! And certainly not in My Father's house!" and drives out all those money-changers and other assholes who were buying and selling in the house of the Lord.

We'd like to think He used some sick MMA-moves to kick their asses.

Point is, Palm Sunday is pretty effin' cool. You also get cooler prizes from church like a palm frond shaped like cross. OR A SWORD.


Don't remember that story? Go to Sunday School you heathen.


See? It looks like a sword, right?