Dear Alex Rodriguez,

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.


It's more than just the alleged steroid use cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:

When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
[SI.com]

You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
[ESPN]

Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!

Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.


Regards,
Everyone


Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Rodriguez

Dear ShamWow Guy,

We've all seen you pitch the ShamWow. You do a pretty awesome job. I can't sleep 'cause your late night infomercials PUMP ME UP. I can't sleep because I want max out my credit cards and buy THIRTY-FUCKING-SHAMWOWS.



Are you on commission? Because you must be making buckets of money.

In fact, word just came out that (a) you make enough money to blow on hookers and (b) you like to get involved with some violent hookers.

Let's get this straight, ShamWow Guy:

• You meet a hooker at a Miami club.
• Hooker says, "Let's have straight sex."
• Apparently you are excited by this proposition.
• So excited that you give the hooker $1,000.00 USD in cash.
• You kiss this hooker.
• In the course of kissing, she bites down on your tongue.
• Using your fists, you pound the hooker in the face until she disengages from your tongue.
• You run down the lobby (naked? bloody? screaming?)
• You and the hooker get arrested.

After digesting these facts, I have two important questions for you:

1. Have you NOT seen the movie Pretty Woman? I think everyone learned that you don't kiss hookers on the mouth - and certainly not with tongue - unless you Love them.
2. Did you wipe off your bloodied face with a ShamWow? I sure hope you did!!!

I'll be honest with you, ShamWow Guy, I was on the fence about buying some ShamWows but now I'm definitely buying a ShamWow or fifty.

Your insane amazing hooker stunt is the BEST. MARKETING. PLOY. EVER.


Regards,
Everyone