26 August 2009

Dear Vampires,

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another cash-cow cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.

Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.

You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.


Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]


  1. Vampires are cool and very 'in' right now.
    However, Vampires are not real and if they were, they would still be unable to measure up to a REAL person in a relationship.
    Please, give me a warm guy who watches sports and drinks too much beer. I'll bring the hot wings and breath mints. And after the game, well, you decide.

  2. Hear, hear! Well put.