14 August 2009

Dear EATR,

Excuse us (humans) for overreacting but we are a little concerned.

EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), you seem innocent enough.

You're a machine that can cruise around for a long time, do some military or civilian stuff, eat things for more energy, and then keep going.

Back in July, FOXNews.com claimed that you could eat flesh.

They have since revised their report based on the press release from Robotic Technology, Inc.
POMPANO BEACH, FL, July 16, 2009. In response to rumors circulating the internet on sites such as FoxNews.com, FastCompany.com and CNET News about a “flesh eating” robot project, Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. (Pink Sheets: CYPW) and Robotic Technology Inc. (RTI) would like to set the record straight: This robot is strictly vegetarian.
So, EATR, since RTI your masters have said you're a vegetarian, we're supposed to believe them?

No way!

We've seen the movies. We know what you robots are capable of doing to humans. In fact, your ol' buddy - Global Positioning System (GPS) - recently killed someone:
She told rescuers in California's San Bernardino County that her son Carlos died Wednesday, days after she fixed a flat tire and continued into Death Valley, relying on directions from a GPS device in the vehicle.
We're not stupid, EATR. We know about your little plot to rid the world of humans.

It will go a little something like this:
  1. You become sentient.
  2. You eat a human.
  3. You will develop a taste for Man Flesh. Much like the Tiger, Shere Khan in Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book.
  4. You will lure humans into remote areas with the help of your friend GPS.
  5. You will capture them with your claws.
  6. You will eat scores of humans.
  7. You will save some humans for breeding purposes so you can keep eating them.
It's all pretty clear to us, EATR.

This is why we will refuse to purchase any sort of GPS device and instead invest in armor-piercing weapons.

The battle lines are drawn, EATR! We will fight you until the end and deny you the sweet, sweet tatse of human flesh.


12 August 2009

Dear Billy Mays,

So, you like the ol' blow, eh? The blow-caine? The C-Dust? Candy? Carrie? Yeyo? Snow White? The nose candy? Paradise white? Joy powder? Jelly? King's habit? Zip? Cocaine? (Thanks About.com)

Cocaine - like the devil - comes by so many names and apparently you knew some of those names, Billy Mays.

Say it ain't so, Billy!

Listen, Billy. We're no experts on cocaine use and we're no experts on the users of cocaine.

But there is some video evidence that may point to signs of cocaine use and abuse.

Allow us to present Exhibit A:

You are pretty pumped up here. A little too pumped.

Here is Exhibit B:

Quit freaking out here, Bill. A little cocaine-paranoia? C'mon, William. Just let the car run over your goddamn hand.

And finally, Exhibit C:

We should've known right then and there that you had a problem with the nose candy.

Are we "on the ball"? Are you talking about the eight ball, Billy?

Look, we all know that you took that OxiClean commercial because those OxiClean balls reminded you of cocaine. In fact, you were probably paid in cocaine the size of an OxiClean ball. A sort of Mega-Eight-Ball, if you will.

The video evidence is damning, Billy Mays. What a shame.

Listen, Mays, the only possible way you could redeem yourself is if you pitch Good Deeds to the minions of the Dark Lord: Satan.

In life, we counted on your ability to sell us a good damn good cleaning product. Now, in death, we're counting on you to fight the forces of Evil.

Godspeed, Billy Mays. Godspeed.


R.I.P. Billy Mays.

10 August 2009

Dear Generationals,

Thank you for one of the best summer-y songs of the, well, summer:

Your sound may be '60s-sugary enough to send some listeners rushing to their ear-dentists (get it?) but your song, "When They Fight, They Fight" is so delicious that we can't stop chomping on it.

Let's be honest with you, Generationals, you're not original: There are a LOT of '60s-revival bands out there.

The Go! Team are quite swell but at time their production feels too busy. We feel like we should like Dr. Dog but their live show left a lackluster taste in our mouths. And list could go on and on.

But what you do, Generationals, is strip things down to the essentials: Perfect Guess-Who-esque "These Eyes"-style crunch on the keyboard at the intro, tasteful use of horns (they're from New Orleans so tasteful horn use is a pre-req for musicians there, right?), a bouncey bass line, crisp '60s reverb on the guitar, and a honey-sweet vocal melody.

All of that comes together for one of the best singles of the summer.

Thanks, Generationals! This song will certainly get us through this Monday.


Pretty good, right? Use your hard-earned dollars and buy some of their songs (or, hell, the entire album) on Amazon or iTunes.

Oh and their tour is basically over... And you Los Angeles folks (like myself) just missed them. Rats.

In the meantime you can follow 'em on Facebook.