07 August 2009

Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.


05 August 2009

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:

You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:
  • Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
  • Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
  • Get us out of that speeding ticket.
  • Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
  • Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.
Thanks, we appreciate it.


Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?

03 August 2009

Dear President Obama,

We know you're busy drinking beers and doing some crazy-ass stuff with health care, so, we just wanted to bring this to your attention:
"The 160-page English-slanglish lexicon includes terms, definitions, parts of speech, sample sentences and notes on the etymology and origin of new slang, [Professor Pamela] Munro said.

Other terms or phrases include "fomo," or fear of missing out, "schwa" for wow; and "obama," meaning cool, as in "You so obama."
That's right, President Obama. You've made the sixth edition of UCLA Slang and apparently your last name is synonymous with the ever-nebulous concept of "cool."

We're obviously not cool President Obama. But we know one thing, a group of people trying to make your last name mean "cool" is, well, not cool. In fact, we believe these people are mentally suspect. We suppose you could even say that they are acting stupidly, right? Right.

C'mon. Who would even say that? Like, who watches the Tron trailer (told you we're not cool) and lean over to their friend and say, "Pretty Obama, eh?" Hopefully only non-voters are the ones saying that.

So, next time we hear someone utter the phrase "You so Obama" or "That was not Obama, man" or "I thought that song was Obama," we'll punch 'em in the throat.

You're welcome.


GRETCHEN: That is so fetch!
REGINA: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Mean Girls (2004)