Dear Paula Deen,

As food writer and television host Nigella Lawson so sensually put it: The purpose of food is not to impress, but to give pleasure.

Paula, your food does neither. Are you trying to impress us with macaroni and cheese, wrapped in bacon, breaded and deep fried? Do you think that that concoction is pleasurable?

Or a hamburger, with a fried egg, a slice of bacon and glazed doughnuts instead of a bun? Who are you trying to fool?

More importantly, who are you trying to kill?

In your annoying Savannah drawl, you laugh about how much butter goes into every dish of yours, including your spaghetti sauce.

Butter is good. Deep frying frozen balls of it is not.


It amazes us that you have made millions, fooling people into thinking that your food is good Southern food.

If we're going to clog our arteries, we want to enjoy it.

Your smile, your laugh and your food disgust us.


Regards,
Everyone


N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog about delicious foods and wonderful restaurants at Staten Eats.


Ed. Note:

Listen to Paula's obnoxious voice and watch her craft one of her crazy culinary concoctions:




On the other end of the spectrum, listen to Nigella Lawson's deliciously English voice on NPR here.

Hungry yet?

Dear Grilling Season,

For months, we have driven home from work as the sun was setting and prepared dinner in our kitchens. We pan-fried steaks, roasted whole chickens, braised short ribs and poached salmon. We also made soups, stews and side dishes of roasted root vegetables.

And we enjoyed them all inside, awaiting your return.


Now you are back, and we are ready to open the valves on our propane tanks or fill our chimney starters with charcoal. We cannot wait to grill steaks, London broil, marinated chicken breasts, Italian sausage, salmon, mahi mahi, lamb chops and butterflied legs of lamb.

We might even stick a can of beer in the cavity of a chicken and roast it on the grill!

Oh yeah, maybe we'll also grill hot dogs and hamburgers.

Grilling Season, we missed you. It's about time you returned.


Regards,
Everyone


Ed. Note: I will certainly be making one of these Beer Can Chickens this summer!



N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.

Dear Newark Liberty International Airport,

Amelia Earhart dedicated your administration building as America's first passenger airline terminal in 1935. For the next four years, you were the world's busiest airport.

Today, the only redeeming quality you have are heat lamps in your Terminal A bus shelters, keeping passengers warm on sub-freezing nights while they wait for a shuttle to take them away from your vile congestion.

You and your surrounding slums make the Garden State the butt of late-night talk show jokes. You greet visitors to the New York area with views of oil refineries and freight yards. Your flights are always delayed, and your food stinks.



And you are dangerous: On Sept. 11, 2001, hijackers walked through your terminal and boarded one of your flights (after that, we added "liberty" to your name).

Unfortunately, 35.4 million of us were forced by cost or convenience to use you in 2008.

It's pretty safe to say that all 35.4 million will agree, "You suck, Newark Liberty International."



Regards,
Everyone



N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.