01 May 2009

Dear Dimbleby & Capper,

Thanks for bringing us our guilty-pleasure music for this Friday!

As you may or or may not know, Fridays generally tend to run a little bit slow for the work crowd and your tune "Beautiful But Boring" is giving us a really nice pick me up.

Everything tells us that we should hate this sort of drivel.

But we're suckers for English accents, mid-tempo dance-pop music, and vocals that remind us of cross between that chick from Everything But The Girl and Lily Allen (but less chav).

So, thanks, Dimbleby & Capper for making this Friday a bit more bearable. Now we're ready to power through the weekend.

We're looking forward to more!


Dear Vampire Bats,

Dude. Can you guys stop being so creepy?

We thought you jerks flew around and chased people around and got in their hair. But here you are crawling around and being more menacing and disgusting. You creep us out more than a mustached child-molester in a molester van.

Whatever happened to the whole flying thing? Did you eliminate it to maximize your creepiness?

And lets be honest here, your name doesn't really help either.

Take one of the most feared supernatural beings of all time, the Vampire, and take one of the most disgusting creatures of all time, the Bat, and we get you: Vampire Bat.

We know what you're thinking, Vampire Bat. You think that Twilight did a pretty good public service for you.

You got much of the teenage world thinking that some vampires can be nice and these teenage kids girls are now thinking they can cruise right up to you and say, "What's up? Can you be my Edward Cullen?"

It's a pretty good scam but we know that the first chance you get, you'll bite 'em, suck out all their blood and leave them for dead in a ditch.

Listen, all we know is that one of the toughest guys we know is Bruce Wayne and he had to pretend to be a bat to conquer his fear of bats. That's why it's okay if we are scared of you and that's why it's okay we hate your little bat guts.

So, Vampire Bats? Stick with flying, stay away from me and go to hell.


Watch some more awesome videos of bats captured in super-slow motion (I'm sure there's a technical term for "super-slow motion") and be amazed:

30 April 2009

Dear PT Cruiser,

I hate you. And I hate that people "trick" you out.

You disgust me.


Don't worry folks, Chrysler isn't going anywhere. It's just reorganizing itself. But let's just hope they reorganize the ugly PT Cruiser out of its factories.

Still worried? Here's a primer by the New York Times regarding the Chrysler bankruptcy.

UPDATE: As stated in the comments below, what glorious news! It's like VPTC* Day! According to Bloomberg back in January, PT Cruiser production will end this summer!

* Victory over PT Cruisers

I hate you.

Dear People Who Get The Jesus License Plate,

Call us old-fashioned but getting the Lord on your license plate is a bit tacky, don't you think?

It's certainly causing a little controversy in Florida:
The two new designs are Christian-themed, one featuring a cross in front a stained-glass window and the other an image of Jesus Christ in a position that most resembles him on the cross.
[Huffington Post]
If you were regular readers of this blog, you'd know how we feel about personalized license plates and such.

But this really takes the cake.

This is almost as bad as the President Obama commemorative coin.

When Florida Governor Charlie Christ Crist was asked about separation of church and state and he quipped, "If they don't want one they don't have to buy one."

Fair enough, Governor. All of you bible-thumpers can stop complaining about pornography and abortion and gay marriage.

If you don't want one, you don't have to have one.

As for you People Who Get The Jesus License Plate? Please go and hang your head in shame. We're all embarrassed for you.


29 April 2009

Dear Banks,

You know that dog who gets scolded for shitting on some brand new 500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets?

The dog comes crawling back feeling really guilty. The dog is sniffling, whimpering, and begging for forgiveness.

Banks? You are that scolded dog.

And now here you are trying to make amends by giving us this guy/girl to float around near the line at the bank offering cheap smiles, marginal assistance and forced small talk.

We see what you're doing there. You're feeling guilty for making horrible decisions and crumbling and asking for bailouts, so you give us this "friendly" bit of customer service.

What a slap in the face!

We know, it's not the fault of these folks who are just doing their jobs. But be warned Banks, don't think that a little improvement in our "banking experience" is going to make us forget about what you did.

Here's a rag, Banks. Go clean yourself up.


Dear Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA),

Wow. Did this really just happen? Did you really do this?
WASHINGTON - Veteran Republican Sen. Arlen Specter disclosed plans Tuesday to switch parties, bringing Democrats closer to the 60-vote supermajority they need to push Barack Obama's agenda through the Senate.
What the hell is going on?! Are cats playing with dogs? Are lions helping lambs cross the street? Are Jews and Palestinians deciding on a mutually agreeable two-state solution? Is the fox in the hen-house just stopping by for a quick chat instead of a quick bite? IS THE SKY FALLING?!

It's quite possible.

Well, Sen. Specter, maybe we shouldn't be so surprised. You've been gradually leaning left over the years and let's be honest here, you're a politician and you want to stay in office.

We see what you did there.

In 2004 you just barely beat your Republican challengers for your seat. And you're just paving the way to curry favor with the Democrats and get some more support for your next election in 2010.

Clever plan! We'll see if it works because the Republicans are pissed and they're out for your throat.

But in the meantime, it will be odd to see you on the other side of the aisle.

This is like seeing Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform, Johnny Unitas in a San Diego Chargers jersey, Joe Montana in a Chiefs shirt, a square peg in a round hole, Tony Stewart driving the Office Depot/Old Spice car, or a porn star in church.

We'll just have to get used to it.


This certainly puts a cherry on top of President Obama's first 100 days. His Senate is getting close to the 60 senators needed to beat any filibuster and his approval rating is at 61%!

28 April 2009

Dear Vitamin Water Vending Machine,

Not too long ago, we learned that some vending machines take credit cards and we also learned some new Vitamin Water flavors.

What we discovered the other day takes the best of both worlds and puts them into one machine. That machine is you, Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

When we walked past you, we did a double-take. Our heads snapped back, wondering, "Did we just have a stroke? Are we hallucinating?" This is no dream. This is reality. Our hearts were filled with joy.

You could never let us down, Vitamin Water Vending Machine. Keep up the fantastic work.


Some people like to play those "Desert Island..." games. Like, what are the Top 5 foods you'd have on a desert island or what hot babes/dudes would you want to have on the island or the Top 5 albums you'd take to a desert island.

But I've got a new spin on this game: What are your Top 3 Desert Island Vending Machines?

3. M&M vending machine.
2. A beer vending machine.
1. And, of course, the Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear White Stripes Kittens,

We forgot about you. And we can't believe we forgot about you guys. But we found you again. And all is well in the world.

Take two things:
  1. The fantastic garage-rock song "Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes.
  2. Your kitten band.
Animate you guys so you'll play drums and guitar with your paws and we get an explosion of cuteness the likes of which we haven't seen since Kittenwar.com!

Click here to see this incredible music video.

Keep rocking the free world.


27 April 2009

Dear Good Ballpoint Pens,

Humans are forever lamenting the fact that they can't find a "good pen" these days. Where have you gone, Good Ballpoint Pens? We try out different pens, we go to different office supply stores, sometimes we even go with the free ones our bank gives us 'cause we signed up for free-checking!

But, alas, none are good enough and the struggle continues.

The frustrating part is that we know you're out there, Good Ballpoint Pens. We know because there are others who don't complain about their pens at all. They seem to be happy with their Ballpoint Pens.

They are happy with their smudgeless checks, evenly spread ink on notebook paper, and birthday card notes that don't have letters scratched in a few times because the ink won't work on the high-gloss paper.

Listen, we'd all love to have a Montblanc pen but we're looking for good working-class sort of pens. An everyday pen. A Good Ballpoint Pen.

And after many months of searching, we think we've found some fine candidates! Here are our Top 3 "Good Ballpoint Pens":
3. Uni-Ball Vision: A steady and even distribution of ink keeps us reaching for this pen again and again. As with all capped pens, be sure to place the cap at the end of the pen to keep the pen balanced nicely while you write.

2. Uni-Ball Deluxe: This classic and classy looking gold barrel pen is fantastic! The 0.5mm micro-point version (you can find them in a dark-gray barrel) is a bit too tiny for our tastes and the ink does not seem to distribute as well especially when the ink starts to run out. However, from start to finish, the 0.7mm point in the gold barrel certainly provides an excellent distribution of ink on almost any writing surface!

1. Zebra Sarasa: This pen certainly surprised us when it was handed to us at the bank. So taken aback at the quality, we made at least two praise-filled comments to the teller and she kindly offered to let us keep it. The comfortable rubber grip, an excellent blend of water-based pigment gel ink, the convenience of the retractable point, are all qualities that makes this an absolutely wonderful instrument of writing. How does it write? Like a dream. The navy blue color is very dark, the distribution of ink is thick but very even and it dries quickly for smooth, quick and efficient writing.
As might notice, Good Ballpoint Pens, we certainly like the 0.7mm version of you. While we're fine with the compact efficiency of 0.5mm pens and its ability to write in small spaces, we prefer the 0.7mm and its thicker, smoother and more even distribution of ink to quickly write our impassioned love notes, our fervent manifestos, and our stern ransom letters.

We finally found you, Good Ballpoint Pen. Now it's time to buy you in bulk.


What are some of your favorite ballpoint pens? We're talking, like, consumer-model pens. Not ultra-nice, expensive, executive-model pens.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Pig,

Okay, so there's the regular flu. There's "flu" that we get when we want to ditch work to see an mid-afternoon baseball game. There's the bird flu. And now there's swine flu?

For decades we've been taught to love our curly-tailed friends! We've been taught to respect you and care about you, Pig. We all read saw you do amazing things in Babe. And we all saw read about your amazing accomplishments in Charlotte's Web. You are quite an inspirational and intelligent creature!

But now we are growing to fear you!
WASHINGTON - The world’s governments raced to avoid both a pandemic and global hysteria Sunday as more possible swine flu cases surfaced from Canada to New Zealand and the United States declared a public health emergency.
We had to declare a health emergency because of you, you goddamn Pig! Unbelievable! This sort of hogwash isn't supposed to happen here.

Swine Flu is transmitted if a human touches you. We're not touching any of you for a very long time. But someone has. Some - shockingly not-surprisingly - are students! What the hell are students doing touching you on Spring Break trips in Mexico?!
Canada became the third country to confirm cases, in six people, including some students who — like some New York City spring-breakers — got mildly ill in Mexico.
We're not sure what is worse: You Pigs not getting their flu shots every season or these stupid humans handling you Pigs when they should be enjoying foam parties in Cancún.

So, Pig, if you know what's good for you, you'll steer clear from us. We're looking forward to a great summer and not a summer in bed fighting off the Swine Flu.

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

No, really. We're not kidding. Cut it out.



I hope we can still eat pigs because I had a great BLT last night.