27 April 2009

Dear Pig,

Okay, so there's the regular flu. There's "flu" that we get when we want to ditch work to see an mid-afternoon baseball game. There's the bird flu. And now there's swine flu?

For decades we've been taught to love our curly-tailed friends! We've been taught to respect you and care about you, Pig. We all read saw you do amazing things in Babe. And we all saw read about your amazing accomplishments in Charlotte's Web. You are quite an inspirational and intelligent creature!

But now we are growing to fear you!
WASHINGTON - The world’s governments raced to avoid both a pandemic and global hysteria Sunday as more possible swine flu cases surfaced from Canada to New Zealand and the United States declared a public health emergency.
We had to declare a health emergency because of you, you goddamn Pig! Unbelievable! This sort of hogwash isn't supposed to happen here.

Swine Flu is transmitted if a human touches you. We're not touching any of you for a very long time. But someone has. Some - shockingly not-surprisingly - are students! What the hell are students doing touching you on Spring Break trips in Mexico?!
Canada became the third country to confirm cases, in six people, including some students who — like some New York City spring-breakers — got mildly ill in Mexico.
We're not sure what is worse: You Pigs not getting their flu shots every season or these stupid humans handling you Pigs when they should be enjoying foam parties in Cancún.

So, Pig, if you know what's good for you, you'll steer clear from us. We're looking forward to a great summer and not a summer in bed fighting off the Swine Flu.

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

No, really. We're not kidding. Cut it out.



I hope we can still eat pigs because I had a great BLT last night.

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