Dear Jean-Claude Van Damme,

Listen, when you first hit the scene, you were pretty incredible. Movies like Bloodsport, Kickboxer and Lionheart may have single-handedly revived the martial arts/action movie genre.

But then came films like Double Impact (We can't suspend that much belief), Universal Soldier, Street Fighter, Timecop, Double Team (Yep, the one with Dennis Rodman), Legiona--, well, we won't continue. You probably get the point.

But then you turn around with this piece of brilliance:




Jean-Claude, you've outdone yourself! JCVD looks absolutely awesome. We can't wait to pick this up on DVD on 25 April '09.

According to the Wikipedia, writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri has drawn upon some impressive influences: Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Robert Richardson.

So, Jean-Claude, you've surprised us with a depth that runs contrary to your many direct-to-video action films. The level of self-awareness and the ability to poke fun at your career is a revelation. And let's not forget that you seem to have done some proper acting here as well!

We are impressed. Well done, sir. May we never doubt you again.


Well, unless of course you go and do something stupid like make Universal Soldier 3.


Regards,
Everyone

P.S. So, Jean-Claude, we saw this movie. And it was pretty fucking incredible. Who knew that you had so much acting ability? This is definitely a "once-in-a-career" sort of thing and you nailed it right on the head.

Would it be too much to ask for more performances like this? Probably. You did set the bar pretty high.

But we'll watch your next film (on DVD) with the satisfaction of knowing what you are capable of.

Now back to the status quo!

Crap. There IS a third Universal Soldier film coming out. Goddamn you, Van Damme!!!

Knowledge (this guy does a surprising amount of double roles):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme#Dual_roles

Dear Paul Gauguin,

Why did you cut off Vincent Van Gogh's ear?

History has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man.

They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend's ear.
[Daily Mail]

Oh it turns out that you were fighting with your ol' buddy Van Gogh about a prostitute.

Are you kidding me, Gauguin? You cut off your friends ear over a prostitute?

Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

Then you ditched your buddy. Van Gogh got all bummed out and then shot himself in the chest and died two days later.

You're an asshole, Gauguin. We're going to the Getty right now and tearing some holes in your paintings.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Dimbleby & Capper,

Thanks for bringing us our guilty-pleasure music for this Friday!

As you may or or may not know, Fridays generally tend to run a little bit slow for the work crowd and your tune "Beautiful But Boring" is giving us a really nice pick me up.

Everything tells us that we should hate this sort of drivel.

But we're suckers for English accents, mid-tempo dance-pop music, and vocals that remind us of cross between that chick from Everything But The Girl and Lily Allen (but less chav).

So, thanks, Dimbleby & Capper for making this Friday a bit more bearable. Now we're ready to power through the weekend.

We're looking forward to more!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Vampire Bats,

Dude. Can you guys stop being so creepy?


We thought you jerks flew around and chased people around and got in their hair. But here you are crawling around and being more menacing and disgusting. You creep us out more than a mustached child-molester in a molester van.

Whatever happened to the whole flying thing? Did you eliminate it to maximize your creepiness?

And lets be honest here, your name doesn't really help either.

Take one of the most feared supernatural beings of all time, the Vampire, and take one of the most disgusting creatures of all time, the Bat, and we get you: Vampire Bat.

We know what you're thinking, Vampire Bat. You think that Twilight did a pretty good public service for you.

You got much of the teenage world thinking that some vampires can be nice and these teenage kids girls are now thinking they can cruise right up to you and say, "What's up? Can you be my Edward Cullen?"

It's a pretty good scam but we know that the first chance you get, you'll bite 'em, suck out all their blood and leave them for dead in a ditch.


Listen, all we know is that one of the toughest guys we know is Bruce Wayne and he had to pretend to be a bat to conquer his fear of bats. That's why it's okay if we are scared of you and that's why it's okay we hate your little bat guts.

So, Vampire Bats? Stick with flying, stay away from me and go to hell.


Regards,
Everyone

Watch some more awesome videos of bats captured in super-slow motion (I'm sure there's a technical term for "super-slow motion") and be amazed:
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2009/03/19/how-to-be-a-bat-life-in-motion/

Dear PT Cruiser,

I hate you. And I hate that people "trick" you out.

You disgust me.


Regards,
Everyone

Don't worry folks, Chrysler isn't going anywhere. It's just reorganizing itself. But let's just hope they reorganize the ugly PT Cruiser out of its factories.

Still worried? Here's a primer by the New York Times regarding the Chrysler bankruptcy.

UPDATE: As stated in the comments below, what glorious news! It's like VPTC* Day! According to Bloomberg back in January, PT Cruiser production will end this summer!

* Victory over PT Cruisers