Dear (Western Christian) God,

The ash thing is cool, but I think you need to talk to your marketing guys (St. Paul, maybe?) and do better giveaways!

People just don't like getting ash on their forehead anymore, everyone is always like "Dude, you've got dirt on your forehead" and then you have to be, like, "No, fuck you. It's Ash Wednesday you non-believing asshole."

How are we supposed to convert the masses with dirt on our faces?!

I say do more things like Palm Sunday! You get awesome palm fronds! Sometimes they twist up the fronds to make them look like crosses. And if you turn 'em around, it's like a palm sword!! Fun for the whole family.

Do more things like Palm Sunday. And, FYI, In-N-Out makes a better body and blood of Christ. Just sayin'

Thanks God, take care.


Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ash_Wednesday

Dear Sleep Function On My TV,

People across the nation fall asleep with the TV on and then you turn the TV off for us.

Sleep Function? You. Fucking. Rule.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Socks (the cat),

Sure, there were more "important" stories regarding the economy, gas prices, war, the stimulus package, the Oscars, gas explosions, etc. but you deserve your day in the sun. Sunbathing, of course. That's what cats do.

Rest in Peace, Socks. We didn't even know cats could get cancer of the mouth. Maybe you should've stopped chewing tobacco. Crazy ol' cat. Maybe your death will help people realize that Universal Animal Health Care is just as important as Universal Health Care for humans.


Regards,
Everyone

RIP: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/02/20/clinton%E2%80%99s-cat-socks-dies/

Dear Hugh Jackman,

With comments like this, we're confident that the Oscars won't be a bore tonight:

CNN: How daring is it going to be? Will there be YouTube moments where people will be talking about the Oscars this year after it happens?

Jackman: One of my favorite moments at the Oscars was when the streaker came across David Niven. And we're upping it a level and we're just going to do most of the show naked. Um, well, there hopefully will be YouTube moments.

CNN: "The sexiest man alive" [is] going to be up there nude?

Jackman: Drunk and nude, yes. So that's our new fresh approach. It's the Australian way.

Drunk and nude! Nicely done, Mr. Jackman. Hopefully your brand of Australian entertainment will help us not turn off the television an hour into the show. Good luck and we'll see you at 5:30 PM PST.


Regards,
Everyone

The Full Monty transcript from CNN is here

You might even give Billy Crystal a run for his money. After all you were pretty solid when you hosted the Tony Awards:

Dear Liverpool FC,

What the hell are you doing?

You're not supposed to draw against a mid-table team like Manchester City. You're just not. Especially with Manchester United in unstoppable form and seemingly running away with the title with nary a challenge.

You're killing us here. Absolutely killing us.



Regards,
(Almost)Everyone