Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.




2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.




1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
3. How bad will the traffic be?
4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
5. Am I pregnant?
6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
8. How old is Labor Day?
9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Women Who Drink Beer,

Are you concerned about osteoporosis? Trust me. Everyone is. It's a big health concern.

But there's some good news for you, Women Who Drink Beer. Beer - just like milk - is good for your bones!

Women defined as "light" or "moderate" beer drinkers, covering consumption of up to 280 grams of alcohol a week - equivalent to up to five units a day, were found to have superior bone density to non-drinkers.
[BBC]

It seems as if some magical plant hormone in the beer is what's strengthening those bones.

Whatever the case, it's good to hear about another study confirming the wonder and joy of beer especially in light of the upcoming holiday. Labor Day is approaching very quickly and there have been some concerns about how much beer one should consume. Whether or not those large quantities of beer are actually good for you.

But when the BBC reports, people listen: Beer strengthens bones (i.e. It is good for you).

Honestly, there really isn't much more to say beyond that. But if you (and you Men folk as well) are not convinced then click over here to read ten more reasons why beer is good for you.

Drink to your health!


Regards,
Everyone

Bah humbug:

"There are also many other health concerns linked with alcohol which cannot be ignored." ~ Dr. Claire Bowring [BBC]

Stop being a downer, Doc.

Dear Chris Brown,

We've written time and time again about how we feel about you.

Well, you've finally been sentenced and here is your punishment for beating up chicks:

Pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced Tuesday to serve five years probation and to spend more than 1,400 hours in "labor-oriented service" for assaulting his pop star girlfriend, Rihanna.
[CNN]

We know you only hit her because you love her so much but this is what you get.

Not surprisingly, your well-documented punch-up with Rihanna wasn't the first time.

The first incident allegedly occurred about three months earlier, in Europe, when Brown and Rihanna were in a "verbal dispute," according to the report ... She slapped him and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall,the report alleged.

Three weeks before the February incident, Brown and Rihanna were in Barbados, driving a Range Rover lent to them by a local dealership when they had an argument inside the car, according to the report. Brown got out and broke both the front driver and passenger side windows, the report alleged.
[LA Times]

You would think that after watching your mother get beat up, you wouldn't go down that path.

Listen, all we gotta say is this: Chill. The fuck. Out.

You're only 20. There's plenty of time to squander your millions, grow into a curmudgeon and be angry and bitter about the world. Just chill out right now. And stop beating women. Thanks.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

When standard boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]




2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.




1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.



Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.


Regards,
Everyone

Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

Dear Vampires,

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another cash-cow cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.


Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.


You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.


Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.


"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]