Dear Lawrence Taylor,

Usually we tend to say, "Listen we get it..." but, listen, we don't get it.

We do get that you like young chicks. We get that you like to pay for sex. We get that you like to spare no expense at the Holiday Inn.

But let's be honest here: Your pimp couldn't get you someone legal?

We're shaking our heads here. We just don't get it.

Isn't there some sort of provision in the Client-Pimp relationship that makes sure that the client doesn't end up with a rape charge?

Then again, you forgot the first rule of buying sex: Never trust a pimp.

Why can't you be like other respectable high-powered businessmen, politicians, pro-athletes and Tiger Woods and just get yourself a porn star or a stripper?

Oh, wait, that's right. You're kind of a sick fuck.


Allegedly.

Regards,
Everyone

PS: And LT, you better get some thank you cards from Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and Big Rape Roethlisberger. You took the cake on this one.

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Brett Favre,

Congratulations on coming out of retirement (again) and signing with the Minnesota Vikings.

You truly are a master of many things, Mr. Favre.

Let us list some of things you've mastered over time:

• Touchdowns.
• Interceptions.
• Bringing youthful passion to the game of football at your age.
• Exciting come-from-behind victories.
• Retiring.
• Tearfully convincing us you'll never play again.
• Coming out of retirement.
• Helping your fellow man.

That's right, Brett, you are also a master of helping your fellow man.

No, we're not talking about your foundation or the charities you support.

We're talking about the asses you've saved from public embarrassment because of your constant domination of national sports news cycles.

Ass #1: Rick Pitino
The national championship winning college basketball coach, husband and father of five had sex with a woman in a Louisville, KY restaurant and then paid $3,000.00 for an abortion and then this woman tries to extort Pitino for $10 million.

This scandal would've still been front and center but you saved that ass, Favre!


Ass #2: Josh Hamilton
You know the story, Brett. Major League Baseball player Josh Hamilton famously came back from drug and alcohol addiction to get back into baseball and become a two-time MLB All-Star.

Then he relapsed.

Embarrassing pictures were recently posted online of the married Josh Hamilton carousing with women not named Mrs. Hamilton.

But guess what, Brett? You saved him from the intense public scrutiny regarding his sobriety.


Ass #3: Michael Vick
Everyone knows this story.

Vick tortured and killed dogs, served his time in jail, went bankrupt, and then the controversial quarterback was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. This was THE story of the off-season.

But now Vick can practice in relative peace while the news cameras descend upon Viking training camp.

You saved that ass, Brett!

Big Ben Roethlisberger is breathing a sigh of relief too.


Brett, you have spent many seasons carrying entire football teams on your back with your inspirational play. Now you've also carried Pitino, Hamilton and Vick!

We think they owe you, Brett.

Big time.

We're thinking you hit 'em up for a nice dinner, maybe convince 'em to get you a Komodo Dragon that you can eat for dinner, maybe have 'em help you move in to your apartment in Minneapolis, or - better yet - have 'em buy you some cool-looking (but questionably-built) product for your apartment from the new Sharper Image web site (coming soon)!


Regards,
Everyone

PS: Or maybe a Retiring ... For Dummies book.

Is there anyone worse at retiring than Brett Favre? Michael Jordan, maybe? How about Star Wars? Or maybe The Who. They hoped they died before they got old. I want to say The Rolling Stones ... But I feel like they never claimed they were ever going to retire.

Also, my dear friend Woody compares Brett Favre to his high school girlfriend. It's funny 'cause it's true. Check it out here!

Dear NBA Playoffs,

Let's be honest here. You are WAY too long. These best-of-seven first round series are absolutely brutal.

Let's speed up the early rounds a bit. Let's give it some of that college basketball excitement!

Listen. We get it. It's all about the dollars. Longer playoffs, more television, more advertising, etc.

It's mid-April now. And the NBA Finals start in early June. You've got to be kidding me, right? Where's the sense of urgency? Speed it up, NBA Playoffs!


Regards,
Everyone

Update (18 May '09): You're still taking way too long. We originally wrote this letter on 19 April. That's basically a month ago and we're only just entering the Western and Eastern Conference finals. Jeez.

Sure, that Lakers-Rockets and Celtics-Magic series going to Game 7 was pretty exciting but c'mon. We just get exhausted thinking about yet another set of seven game series.

Let's just skip ahead to the NBA Finals! Let's just match up the Lakers and Cavaliers already - that's what Nike and Vitamin Water want anyway - and just give the NBA their ratings and their money.

You know David Stern is currently pulling the strings right now to make Lakers-Cavs happen.

For the best interest of the Association, of course. And ratings. And sponsors.


Knowledge:

• http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/playoffs
• NBA conspiracy theories.

I think these adverts are pretty awesome:

Dear Red Sox Customer Service,

We would like to lodge a complaint.

On 31 July 2008, we worked out a trade between a few people for your baseball playing machine Manny Ramirez.

We are pleased to say that the Manny Ramirez worked beyond expectation in the summer and the fall. There were some issues getting the Manny Ramirez to operate properly in the winter but those issues were solved when we realized - as with a lot of baseball playing machines - we just had to put a lot of cash into the battery area to keep it running.

Apparently a lot of baseball playing machines don't run on "pride" and "the love of the game" anymore.

Unfortunately, your product broke down this spring and it appears to be from a pre-existing condition that was not disclosed to us. It seems if this Manny Ramirez baseball playing machine likes to take banned substances and now Major League Baseball won't let us use it on the playing field!


We know that your organization prides itself on putting a quality product on the field and outstanding customer service. We know you believe in turnings wrongs into rights.

Therefore, we would like to return this broken product in exchange for a product of equal or lesser value.

Kevin Youkilis will be more than acceptable or even J.D. Drew Jason Bay.

We believe this is a fair exchange.

We will be looking forward to your UPS return shipping label in our mail box.

Thank you for your time, consideration and understanding.


Regards,
Everyone Los Angeles Dodgers

Steroids has become such a high-profile issue in baseball. Why would you even risk it?

Manny Ramirez has failed a drug test and has been suspended 50 games starting today, Major League Baseball confirmed.

The suspension will cost Ramirez $7.7 million, or roughly 31% of his $25-million salary. Players in violation of baseball's drug policy are not paid during suspensions.
[LA Times]

Manny says he was taking a fertility drug. Or was he taking a woman's fertility drug that kick starts your testosterone again after using steroids?

Either way, a lot of disappointment and frustration for Dodger fans who have seen their team get out to a really hot start this season.

Dear Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA),

Wow. Did this really just happen? Did you really do this?

WASHINGTON - Veteran Republican Sen. Arlen Specter disclosed plans Tuesday to switch parties, bringing Democrats closer to the 60-vote supermajority they need to push Barack Obama's agenda through the Senate.
[MSNBC]

What the hell is going on?! Are cats playing with dogs? Are lions helping lambs cross the street? Are Jews and Palestinians deciding on a mutually agreeable two-state solution? Is the fox in the hen-house just stopping by for a quick chat instead of a quick bite? IS THE SKY FALLING?!

It's quite possible.

Well, Sen. Specter, maybe we shouldn't be so surprised. You've been gradually leaning left over the years and let's be honest here, you're a politician and you want to stay in office.

We see what you did there.

In 2004 you just barely beat your Republican challengers for your seat. And you're just paving the way to curry favor with the Democrats and get some more support for your next election in 2010.

Clever plan! We'll see if it works because the Republicans are pissed and they're out for your throat.


But in the meantime, it will be odd to see you on the other side of the aisle.

This is like seeing Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform, Johnny Unitas in a San Diego Chargers jersey, Joe Montana in a Chiefs shirt, a square peg in a round hole, Tony Stewart driving the Office Depot/Old Spice car, or a porn star in church.

We'll just have to get used to it.


Regards,
Everyone

This certainly puts a cherry on top of President Obama's first 100 days. His Senate is getting close to the 60 senators needed to beat any filibuster and his approval rating is at 61%!

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.


It's more than just the alleged steroid use cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:

When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
[SI.com]

You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
[ESPN]

Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!

Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.


Regards,
Everyone


Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Rodriguez

Dear Baseball Movies,

With baseball season underway, it's time to reflect on you, Baseball Movies.


Here are the Top 3 Best Baseball Movies:

3. A League Of Their Own: Because there's no crying in baseball.



2. Bull Durham: You been in the show man?



1. Field Of Dreams: Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.



No other sports movie can evoke waves of nostalgia like you, Baseball Movies. You certainly warm my heart. You are as American as apple pie. And we sure like apple pie (it's better than Apple's lies).

Thanks, Baseball Movies.


Regards,
Everyone

Yahyah, I missed Major League and The Natural and Angels In The Outfield. Even Rookie Of The Year and The Sandlot didn't crack the Top 3. Sometimes you gotta choose between your children and it's never easy.


My future vacation spot:

Dear Baseball Opening Day,

After a long cold winter you are finally here!

There will be peanuts and Cracker Jack and not caring whether I get back or not because I'll be root, root, rooting for the Dodgers and if they don't win it's a shame.

Sure, Baseball, you've broken our hearts with strikes and steroids. Sure, you've got a long season and your games are slow, but deep down in our hearts, we love you. We love the statistics, the meandering pace, the history, the lore, the chess match on the field. We love the fact that a hitter who is only successful 30% of time can be in the Hall of Fame. We love it all.

You're our constant:



You should be a national holiday and everyone should get a day off.


Regards,
Everyone

Let's go Dodgers!!!

Dear March Madness,

So after a flurry of breaking down games, watching too much ESPN, going through dozens of web sites, listening to sports talk radio, discussing with friends, neighbors and complete strangers ... the brackets (all 10 or so of them) are finally done.

Frankly, March Madness, I'm burnt out on these brackets and I'm ready for them to be busted up as the first couple rounds start this weekend.

So, for me to make some serious money I'll need at least Louisville, Memphis, Villanova, and UNC to get to the Final Four with Memphis and UNC in the Championship game and Memphis to win.

So, Memphis, please win the tournament and win me some money. Thanks!


And, of course, we're looking forward to keeping wrinkled copies of my bracket in my pocket for the next few weeks.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Jay Cutler and Josh McDaniels,

You guys HAVE to be fucking kidding me.

As much as we love seeing the Denver Broncos implode before our very eyes, we're pretty sick of all of this nonsense.

We get it. It's a power struggle. Boring.

Hey Cutler, it's a business. Get over it.

Thank god the college basketball tournament is about to start. I'm looking forward to this news being buried in the middle of the paper next to the NHL standings and below the fold (that's journo-speak!).


Regards,
Everyone

Cutler wants a trade. Cutler is a baby.

Cutler being a baby on the right. New coach on the left.

Dear David Beckham,

Remember when you signed a five year contract to help bring more attention to Major League Soccer here in the states?

We remember. You came to Los Angeles with much fanfare and made Americans (or at least Angelenos) care about American football soccer for about 5 seconds.

And then remember how you basically abandoned Major League Soccer? I also remember that.

Yah, we get it. Major League Soccer isn't that great. The LA Galaxy suck. Playing in Italy gives you a better change to play for England national team.

But you didn't even try! What the fuck Becks??

You play about 1.5 seasons the after much "public" (did anyone even notice?) wrangling with your AC Milan and Galaxy transfer trade, you finally agreed to play the rest of the season in Italy and then grace us with your presence in the MLS. And then what? Skip out on MLS?

Great.

We get it. You weren't supposed to be the savior of American soccer. But you were supposed to help it, not hurt it. Now the 27 soccer fans in the United States are left with a bad taste in their mouths.

Thanks for setting American soccer back.

Not that anyone really cared.




Regards,
Everyone

PS: Please win the World Cup for England. That's the least you can do for working so hard at trying to get back on the national team.



The promise of David Beckham falls short:

So, the stakes are higher now with his $250 million right foot in the league; a league he must take to another level with every ounce of charisma, charm and jaw-dropping skill on the field that he can muster. Beckham, Beckham, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can.

~ Kristian Dyer, 15 July 2007 column


N.B. Photo taken with my Canon D60 SLR.

Dear NASCAR,

You look pretty awesome in High Definition. I can't imagine watching NASCAR any other way from here on out.

Yes, we secretly like watching you too.


Regards,
Everyone

Kyle Busch won the race in Las Vegas earlier today:

Dear Dodgers,

Pitchers and catchers reported to Spring Training yesterday. All other players report on 22 February. I'm starting to get that baseball fever.

Oh, and - no joke - last night I had a dream that Juan Pierre hit a home run.

What a cruel, cruel dream.


Regards,
Everyone