Dear Baby Shaker iPhone App,

Recently Apple apologized and pulled you from their virtual shelves:

CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Apple Inc. is apologizing for allowing a 99-cent iPhone game called "Baby Shaker" that let a player quiet a virtual crying infant by shaking the device.
[AP]

The argument against you - of course - has been from horrified parents and advocates against the abuse of children. They're pointing fingers at you, Baby Shaker iPhone App and claiming that you are setting a bad example.



Right. This game is setting a bad example. We want to shake babies until they die. Just like how watching drugs, rapes, murders, and Nazis on television makes us want to use hard drugs, rape women, murder grandparents, and Nazi around the town.


But do not despair, Baby Shaker iPhone App! We urge you to carry on! Our fear is that without you people will be shaking their babies to death!

You provided a service. Frustrated parents and caregivers could have just violently shaken an iPhone instead of a baby. Their frustrations could have been released on a picture that looks like a Gerber baby sketch instead of a real baby.

According to some sources, 480 babies die each year because someone shook them instead of an iPhone.

We can save those lives.

Come back to us, Baby Shaker App. And come back with a new marketing slogan: Shake an iPhone, Not A Baby.



Regards,
Everyone

Is this game in bad taste? Probably. But c'mon, lighten up people.

Dear Green Death Soccer Coach,

We're on your side.

We get it. You were being funny. You were down with a little satire, a little exaggeration. The fact that you had to resign is a complete and utter travesty!

How could they have a problem with your inspiring and encouraging and obviously tongue-in-cheek e-mail? Here are some highlights:

• The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them.
• The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
• America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival...
• I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.
• Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

All we see here, Green Death Soccer Coach, is you trying to empower these girls, giving them confidence and make them stronger.

And ultimately, these e-mails were going to the parents! Not the 6- or 7-year-old soccer munchkins themselves.

So those parents who complained? They are sad, humorless squares who probably complained about Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson when that "wardrobe malfunction" happened. Insane! How could these parents take your e-mail seriously? Unbelievable.

Your resignation letter states that you "do not apologize" for your actions.

And you never should.

We get it. And we're with you man!

GO GREEN DEATH!


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Mom,

Please stop forwarding me e-mails from all of your 50 year old lady friends who think its funny to pass along Good Luck chain letters, Obama jokes, and anything where I have to scroll past 6,000 forwarded e-mail addresses to see the useless information that you naively thought was funny to send to me.

I love you. I really do. But I forwarded this stuff when I was 13 (you know, when Al Gore invented the Internet).

Stop spamming your own child. Please.



Regards,
Everyone



N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS