Dear Baby Shaker iPhone App,

Recently Apple apologized and pulled you from their virtual shelves:

CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Apple Inc. is apologizing for allowing a 99-cent iPhone game called "Baby Shaker" that let a player quiet a virtual crying infant by shaking the device.
[AP]

The argument against you - of course - has been from horrified parents and advocates against the abuse of children. They're pointing fingers at you, Baby Shaker iPhone App and claiming that you are setting a bad example.



Right. This game is setting a bad example. We want to shake babies until they die. Just like how watching drugs, rapes, murders, and Nazis on television makes us want to use hard drugs, rape women, murder grandparents, and Nazi around the town.


But do not despair, Baby Shaker iPhone App! We urge you to carry on! Our fear is that without you people will be shaking their babies to death!

You provided a service. Frustrated parents and caregivers could have just violently shaken an iPhone instead of a baby. Their frustrations could have been released on a picture that looks like a Gerber baby sketch instead of a real baby.

According to some sources, 480 babies die each year because someone shook them instead of an iPhone.

We can save those lives.

Come back to us, Baby Shaker App. And come back with a new marketing slogan: Shake an iPhone, Not A Baby.



Regards,
Everyone

Is this game in bad taste? Probably. But c'mon, lighten up people.

Dear thenewno2

Allow me to quickly chart the progression of a full-fledged Beatles obsession:

1. You start casually enough by slowly accumulating and purchasing all The Beatles records.
2. Then you realize that songs like "Hey Jude" and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" were just singles and not on the official UK album releases so you buy the Past Masters series.
3. Naturally you progress to wondering about the recording process so you buy all three Anthology sets (in addition to the documentary, of course).
4. You get pretty disappointed about the break-up of The Beatles and wax poetic about Abbey Road and buy into all that mumbo-jumbo about how the love you make is equal to the love you take, so you decide to go with the solo records.
5. After practically memorizing all the Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and, yes, even the Ringo solo records, you're thirsting for more.
6. That's when the obsession reaches its lowest point: buying the records of the Beatles children.

Now we're sitting here thinking, boy, we got burned by Julian and Sean Lennon. We've heard some of James McCartney's work on his dad's records but nothing from his solo stuff. And Zak Starkey remains just a hair out of the spotlight while he does some amazing drum work for The Who and Oasis.

And that brings us to you, thenewno2.



Thankfully we're not disappointed one bit! You offer a level of creativity and musicianship that has been lacking in the records from other Beatle-Children. In fact, the music stands up alone quite well.

There's a little Radiohead in there, there's some Pink Floyd, a little rock 'n' roll, some nice synth work. There's a nice dreamy quality to the production.

We're looking forward to more of your work!



Regards,
Everyone

Knowlege:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thenewno2

And let's be honest here, we actually like Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon stuff too. No matter how cheesey (Jules) or too-artsy (Sean) it can be.

Dear Fucking Hipster,

Did you see that web site dedicated to your hipster-ness? It's called "Look at this fucking hipster" and it's pretty much like The Sartorialist of the hipster world.

We found this to pretty amusing because we like making fun of you, you Fucking Hipster.

We hate your ironic sunglasses, your silly shirts with even sillier slogans, skinny jeans, hipster belts, pointed shoes, fancy coats, stupid scarves, and stupid vintage outfits that would've gotten you beat up in 1976, 1986, 1996 and in 2006.

But who knows how this crazy Hipster Code works? For all we know, this Hipster web site may actually be praising Hipsters for their Hipster behavior! Their Hiphavior, if you will.

Maybe Hipsters are like, "Boy, I hope I get photographed and posted on this site." Maybe this is some crazy Cobra Snake thing!

In making fun of the Hipster we may simply be glorifying the Hipster.

Make fun of them? That means they're even more Hipster.
Don't make fun of them? That gives them the coveted SHS: Smug Hipster Satisfaction.

It appears as if we can never win with these Hipsters.


Now, one wonders if it actually takes a Hipster to know a Hipster...

Holy shit. By taking pleasure in "Look at this fucking hipster" are we Hipsters? Hipsters in denial? Closet Hipsters?

Fuck.


Regards,
Everyone

There's a good chance you might be a Hipster and you didn't even know! If you don't care that you're a Hipster. Well, your chances of being a Hipster just increased.

Knowledge knwldg (i don't think Hipsters use vowels):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hipster_(contemporary_subculture)

Thanks to Shira and Keriann for sending me the link!

Dear Paula Deen,

As food writer and television host Nigella Lawson so sensually put it: The purpose of food is not to impress, but to give pleasure.

Paula, your food does neither. Are you trying to impress us with macaroni and cheese, wrapped in bacon, breaded and deep fried? Do you think that that concoction is pleasurable?

Or a hamburger, with a fried egg, a slice of bacon and glazed doughnuts instead of a bun? Who are you trying to fool?

More importantly, who are you trying to kill?

In your annoying Savannah drawl, you laugh about how much butter goes into every dish of yours, including your spaghetti sauce.

Butter is good. Deep frying frozen balls of it is not.


It amazes us that you have made millions, fooling people into thinking that your food is good Southern food.

If we're going to clog our arteries, we want to enjoy it.

Your smile, your laugh and your food disgust us.


Regards,
Everyone


N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog about delicious foods and wonderful restaurants at Staten Eats.


Ed. Note:

Listen to Paula's obnoxious voice and watch her craft one of her crazy culinary concoctions:




On the other end of the spectrum, listen to Nigella Lawson's deliciously English voice on NPR here.

Hungry yet?

Dear Octopus Technology,

It's pretty clear that we've been waiting a long time for you to make your debut into the world:




This is pretty amazing. Using you, Octopus Technology, we can make robots that can squeeze into the nooks and crannies of the ocean floor.

But what other Cephalopod Creations can we conjure up?

We can think of a some:

• Octopus Hand: We would easily replace our own lame and inferior human hands with Octopus Hands. These would be hands that can grab the loose change in between the car seats or the remote control that fell behind the couch.
• Octopus Foot: Our useless and worthless human feet could be replaced with stupendous Octopus Technology to climb walls and hang from ceiling fans.
• Pet Robot Octopus: Why not? Enjoy the fun of a Pet Octopus walking crawling slithering octopus-ing across the floor and bringing you beers but without the 500-gallon aquarium. And without the embarrassing (and inevitable) "Holy-fuck-I've-got-a-REAL-LIVE-Octopus-on-my-goddamn-face" 911 call.
• Octopus Mobile Phone: No more "Oh Shit" moments where your phone gets dropped, stepped on, kicked, run over by cars. With this Octopus Technology, your phone would be virtually indestructible.

Thanks for all that you can offer us, Octopus Technology. We have certainly come a long way from putting suction cups on everything and throwing a gel-like octopus on the wall and watch it tumble down.

We're looking forward to vastly improving our sad, Octopus-Technology-less lives.


Regards,
Everyone


The robot octopus submarine is only the beginning!