Dear Alex Rodriguez,

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.


It's more than just the alleged steroid use cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:

When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
[SI.com]

You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
[ESPN]

Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!

Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.


Regards,
Everyone


Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Rodriguez

Dear Amazon Kindle,

Why do you get so much media coverage? Why have you had 300,000 sales? Who is buying you? Where are these people? Why hasn't anyone seen them? Are they using you in shame, in a seedy motel room with nothing but their socks on?

Are you heavy to hold? I've never even picked you up.

Are you like the laser disc? An early adopter fad that anyone in their right mind knows is completely worthless? Will there be an Amazon Kindle in a museum someday?

If someone were to publish a book and it were to go straight to Kindle, would that be like a movie skipping the theaters and going straight to DVD?

So many unanswered questions, Amazon Kindle. Write me back.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by K. Baynes


Ed. Note:

Apparently a lot of people are going to buy the Kindle 2:

Amazon expects to sell 800,000 or so of the Kindle 2 devices in 2009, or double the volume of the first generation device.
[Washington Post]

So, I guess if you have some money to burn...

Dear Stoners,

We get it. It's 420. Marijuana should be legalized. Your hand-blown glass bong is the shit. You've named your pipe. You've got a pot-leaf sticker on the back of your car. You have twelve Bob Marley t-shirts. Watching Harry Potter (*giggle*) is better high. Hell, everything is better high!

Get a job, you freakin' hippie.


Now where did we put that pipe?


Regards,
Everyone

Woah, it's Knowledge, maaaan:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/420_(cannabis_culture)

Dear David Lee Roth,

Even after all this time your isolated vocal track for "Runnin' With The Devil" is still hilarious!

When we give this a listen we are thinking a few things:

1. How hilarious were you in the studio when you were doing this track? We're thinking pretty super hilarious.
2. Your squeals and grunts make us feel awesome, then uncomfortable, and then awesome again.
3. You are quite possibly the best vocalist of our generation. Hands down.

Let's be honest here, Sammy Hagar never really did it for us. When we think Van Halen we think Diamond David Lee Roth. So, thank you for your voice, Diamond Dave. It should be in a museum!


Regards,
Everyone


Knowledge:
Where is ol' Diamond Dave now?

Dear Bucket,

You are an amazing alternative unit of measurement. Better than all those other silly ones.

A lot of kittens? Lame.
A boatload cocaine? Way too much.
A fuck-ton of ice cream? Stupid.
A pile of money? C'mon. Really?

But imagine if it was bucket of kittens? Cocaine? Ice cream? And money?

Listen, a fuck-ton of ice cream would be absolutely wonderful but it's not useful at all! It's just hyperbole.

We get it. "Fuck-ton" or "pile" or "boatload" does indeed get the point across. But it's not as useful in every day life. But with you, Bucket, you get a true idea of how much awesomeness you have.

You can't really go wrong with using you to quantify something. In many ways, you are like Baby Bear's porridge: Just right.



Regards,
Everyone