Dear Lawrence Taylor,

Usually we tend to say, "Listen we get it..." but, listen, we don't get it.

We do get that you like young chicks. We get that you like to pay for sex. We get that you like to spare no expense at the Holiday Inn.

But let's be honest here: Your pimp couldn't get you someone legal?

We're shaking our heads here. We just don't get it.

Isn't there some sort of provision in the Client-Pimp relationship that makes sure that the client doesn't end up with a rape charge?

Then again, you forgot the first rule of buying sex: Never trust a pimp.

Why can't you be like other respectable high-powered businessmen, politicians, pro-athletes and Tiger Woods and just get yourself a porn star or a stripper?

Oh, wait, that's right. You're kind of a sick fuck.


Allegedly.

Regards,
Everyone

PS: And LT, you better get some thank you cards from Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and Big Rape Roethlisberger. You took the cake on this one.

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Regards, Everyone,

Where the hell have you been?

We were used to checking out the blog semi-regularly, reading some pseduo-humorous posts on the world around us, and then (sometimes) coming down with a case of the L-O-Ls.

But you haven't posted since the 25th of November 2009.

What gives?

Are you dead? Did you have too much to eat during Thanksgiving? Did you get arrested after driving a modified electric Barbie car? Did Jay Leno steal your job and NBC didn't allow you to blog until a later date (but you can still Tweet)? Did you, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James(not the outlaw) go to rehab for your alleged "sex addiction"? Did you turn into a drunk Scottish bear? Or maybe you've been cheating on your blog with another blog?

To borrow a quote from the poet of our generation, Britney Spears, "Gimmie, gimmie more."


Jerk.

Regards,
Everyone

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

N.B. This open letter submitted by Regards, Everyone Fan Club #42, West Des Moines, IA

N.B. This video brought to you by Britney, bitch.

Dear Employers,

It's a crime to have your employees work a full day on the day before a major holiday.

And, while we're on the subject, it should be a crime to have your employees work the day after a major holiday.

Let's face it. Unless you're in some sort of service industry, nobody is going to get any work done on the day before or after. Motivation is at a low. Holiday-related stress is at a high. C'mon, give us a break.

Here's what we say: Half-day before major holidays or before the weekend of a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, New Year's Day). Full days off after those days for recovery purposes. Mandatory. For everyone in the ol' 9-to-5 office job.

That'll keep us from rioting. Thanks!


Regards,
Everyone


Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Beatles Fans,

You're suckers.

But let's face it... We're all suckers.

We're going to go out there and buy those records and those box sets and watch the television specials and pretty much anything that says "Beatles" on it.

It's Beatlemania all over again.

[O]n Amazon’s list of top sellers, “Abbey Road” from 1969 is edging out “The Beatles,” which is followed by “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” “Revolver” and “Rubber Soul.”
[LA Times]

And the box sets are selling like hot cakes too!

Don't look now, Beatles Fans, but keep spending that hard-earned cash and you might see The Beatles kick-start this sluggish economy. (Wishful thinking).

Now before you go off and do something rash, here are some tips:

Be sure to buy the mono box set which is the way God George Martin and The Beatles intended. And then individually buy the ones that were done in stereo: "Yellow Submarine," "Abbey Road," and "Let It Be."

Then pick up the Past Masters (it combines both volumes!).

And then you're pretty much set.


Well, almost set. You definitely gotta get A Hard Day's Night and Help! on DVD, then The Beatles Anthology (book and DVD set). Then maybe you wanna pick up The Beatles: The Biography by Bob Spitz. Then maybe Larry Kane's awesome books on The Beatles. Then posters, old magazines, Beatles gear books, books on the chords and structures of the songs, chord books, Rickenbackers, solo albums. And the inevitable Beatles iPod that will come out when Beatles songs are finally sold on iTunes.

And while we're at it, where are The Rutles remasters??

Jeez. All of this is like heroin.

But the good kind of heroin where you don't die when you use a lot then build a tolerance and use more until you overdose.

Y'know, the heroin that says "Beatleroin" on it.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.




2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.




1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
3. How bad will the traffic be?
4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
5. Am I pregnant?
6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
8. How old is Labor Day?
9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Women Who Drink Beer,

Are you concerned about osteoporosis? Trust me. Everyone is. It's a big health concern.

But there's some good news for you, Women Who Drink Beer. Beer - just like milk - is good for your bones!

Women defined as "light" or "moderate" beer drinkers, covering consumption of up to 280 grams of alcohol a week - equivalent to up to five units a day, were found to have superior bone density to non-drinkers.
[BBC]

It seems as if some magical plant hormone in the beer is what's strengthening those bones.

Whatever the case, it's good to hear about another study confirming the wonder and joy of beer especially in light of the upcoming holiday. Labor Day is approaching very quickly and there have been some concerns about how much beer one should consume. Whether or not those large quantities of beer are actually good for you.

But when the BBC reports, people listen: Beer strengthens bones (i.e. It is good for you).

Honestly, there really isn't much more to say beyond that. But if you (and you Men folk as well) are not convinced then click over here to read ten more reasons why beer is good for you.

Drink to your health!


Regards,
Everyone

Bah humbug:

"There are also many other health concerns linked with alcohol which cannot be ignored." ~ Dr. Claire Bowring [BBC]

Stop being a downer, Doc.

Dear Chris Brown,

We've written time and time again about how we feel about you.

Well, you've finally been sentenced and here is your punishment for beating up chicks:

Pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced Tuesday to serve five years probation and to spend more than 1,400 hours in "labor-oriented service" for assaulting his pop star girlfriend, Rihanna.
[CNN]

We know you only hit her because you love her so much but this is what you get.

Not surprisingly, your well-documented punch-up with Rihanna wasn't the first time.

The first incident allegedly occurred about three months earlier, in Europe, when Brown and Rihanna were in a "verbal dispute," according to the report ... She slapped him and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall,the report alleged.

Three weeks before the February incident, Brown and Rihanna were in Barbados, driving a Range Rover lent to them by a local dealership when they had an argument inside the car, according to the report. Brown got out and broke both the front driver and passenger side windows, the report alleged.
[LA Times]

You would think that after watching your mother get beat up, you wouldn't go down that path.

Listen, all we gotta say is this: Chill. The fuck. Out.

You're only 20. There's plenty of time to squander your millions, grow into a curmudgeon and be angry and bitter about the world. Just chill out right now. And stop beating women. Thanks.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

When standard boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]




2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.




1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.



Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.


Regards,
Everyone

Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

Dear Vampires,

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another cash-cow cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.


Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.


You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.


Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.


"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]

Dear Heisters,

You're kind of like a shyster but better, because you're a Heister.

The smartly dressed duo went into Graff Jewellers in the upmarket Mayfair district last Thursday afternoon, threatened staff with handguns and briefly took a female member of staff hostage.
[Reuters]

It is you, "smartly dressed" Heisters, that give us faith in the fantasy.

I mean especially with movie after movie after movie about incredible heists it's reassuring to know that heisting really does take place in real life especially in digital age where heisting is probably a way bigger risk than it was before clever heist-stopping inventions like fingerprints, DNA, and video cameras were created to stop you Heisters.

I mean really, we live in a time people get caught by Google Street View jumping fences and coming out of porn shops!

So, it's nice to know that some men in this world actually have the balls to come through and really pull off a grand heist and not get caught within the first 30 seconds.

Kudos to you, Heisters.


Regards,
Everyone

Ed. Note: You know who to contact if you see those Heisters in the photo above.

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear Overdub,

Listen, we thought that Monday was going to kick us in back of the head while we weren't paying attention but then we came across this song. And this song is going to save our day:


We don't need to tell you that this song is awesome. But, Overdub, we'll say it: This song is awesome.

Radiohead's "15 Step" and Dave Brubeck's jazz classic "Take Five" seem to be the most unlikely of combinations but that's why this mashup works so well.

It takes vision and foresight and true knowledge of music to make this work as gloriously as it does.

Well, Overdub, that and we're just suckers for mashups.

Thanks again for helping out with Monday.


Regards,
Everyone

Overdub has a ton of bootlegs available for you to download. Head to the web site and check out all the awesome mashups.

To head to the Radiohead vs. Dave Brubeck mashup - "Five Step" - you can head to this page and it should be the fifth song down. Enjoy!

Dear Movies To Fall Asleep To,

Some people fall asleep with a night light. Some people fall asleep to music. Some people fall asleep with earplugs. Some people fall asleep to the city noise in the streets below.

And some people really like to fall asleep to movies.

That's us.

It has to be the right movie, though. You have to combine a soothing soundtrack (generally no pop music), a relatively slow pace, relaxing dialogue, and subtle mood changes. Old film stock tends to help too because the picture won't be as bright or flashy. The sound quality of older films are generally more even as well: There often won't be a lot of sudden loud moments that might jar you from your slumber.

So, Movies To Fall Asleep To, here is your Top 3 best movies for pre-snoozing and - ultimately - snoozing:

3. Field Of Dreams: Here's a good one. A nice late-80s movie (1989). Warm film stock. And - of course - there's James Earl Jones and his soothing voice talking about baseball and America. What a comforting, sleep-inducing moment.



2. The Godfather: Here's an absolute classic that you can snooze to. This three-hour epic has a very steady pace, a relatively sparse soundtrack, and a lot of talking. This is sure to lull people to sleep.



1. The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Here is another epic that could quite possibly be one of the best films for snoozing especially much of scenes of the Shire early in the film. Soothing music (see/listen to the YouTube clip below), Gandalf's soothing voice, rich pastoral scenes. You'll be sleeping in no time and you'll miss all that loud action at the end.




So, there you are Movies To Fall Asleep To. Of course, the trouble is that often times we associate these movies with sleep and it's nearly impossible to watch them "for reals" without falling asleep.

Oh well. Keep up the good work and keep us snoozing!


Regards,
Everyone

Honorable Mention: It's not really a movie but Planet Earth as narrated by Sir David Attenborough is fantastic to fall asleep to.

What are your favorite movies to fall asleep to?

Dear Brett Favre,

Congratulations on coming out of retirement (again) and signing with the Minnesota Vikings.

You truly are a master of many things, Mr. Favre.

Let us list some of things you've mastered over time:

• Touchdowns.
• Interceptions.
• Bringing youthful passion to the game of football at your age.
• Exciting come-from-behind victories.
• Retiring.
• Tearfully convincing us you'll never play again.
• Coming out of retirement.
• Helping your fellow man.

That's right, Brett, you are also a master of helping your fellow man.

No, we're not talking about your foundation or the charities you support.

We're talking about the asses you've saved from public embarrassment because of your constant domination of national sports news cycles.

Ass #1: Rick Pitino
The national championship winning college basketball coach, husband and father of five had sex with a woman in a Louisville, KY restaurant and then paid $3,000.00 for an abortion and then this woman tries to extort Pitino for $10 million.

This scandal would've still been front and center but you saved that ass, Favre!


Ass #2: Josh Hamilton
You know the story, Brett. Major League Baseball player Josh Hamilton famously came back from drug and alcohol addiction to get back into baseball and become a two-time MLB All-Star.

Then he relapsed.

Embarrassing pictures were recently posted online of the married Josh Hamilton carousing with women not named Mrs. Hamilton.

But guess what, Brett? You saved him from the intense public scrutiny regarding his sobriety.


Ass #3: Michael Vick
Everyone knows this story.

Vick tortured and killed dogs, served his time in jail, went bankrupt, and then the controversial quarterback was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. This was THE story of the off-season.

But now Vick can practice in relative peace while the news cameras descend upon Viking training camp.

You saved that ass, Brett!

Big Ben Roethlisberger is breathing a sigh of relief too.


Brett, you have spent many seasons carrying entire football teams on your back with your inspirational play. Now you've also carried Pitino, Hamilton and Vick!

We think they owe you, Brett.

Big time.

We're thinking you hit 'em up for a nice dinner, maybe convince 'em to get you a Komodo Dragon that you can eat for dinner, maybe have 'em help you move in to your apartment in Minneapolis, or - better yet - have 'em buy you some cool-looking (but questionably-built) product for your apartment from the new Sharper Image web site (coming soon)!


Regards,
Everyone

PS: Or maybe a Retiring ... For Dummies book.

Is there anyone worse at retiring than Brett Favre? Michael Jordan, maybe? How about Star Wars? Or maybe The Who. They hoped they died before they got old. I want to say The Rolling Stones ... But I feel like they never claimed they were ever going to retire.

Also, my dear friend Woody compares Brett Favre to his high school girlfriend. It's funny 'cause it's true. Check it out here!

Dear Paul Reubens,

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

The Pee-wee Herman Show, starring Paul Reubens, has announced an extension of its engagement at the Music Box @ Fonda in Hollywood. The production will begin previews November 8, with an opening on November 19, and a new closing date of December 20.

The stage production will be a "re-imagined" version of the show, and will feature Pee-wee regulars, including Miss Yvonne, Mailman Mike, Cowboy Curtis, and Jambi the Genie.
[Theater Mania]

Just no more pulling out your pee wee in public, ok? Cuz no one wants to see that shit.

XoXo - Feel free to recreate Blow for your next project.


Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Ed. Note: When all else fails - like a career - just go with what you know.

Dear Beck,

Here you are pushing forty and you're still doing cool shit like Record Club.

You take a group of your friends (including actor Giovanni Ribisi, producer-extraordinaire Nigel Godrich, and Icelandic musician Thorunn Magnusdottir), hang out and record most of the tracks from the classic Velvet Underground album: The Velvet Underground & Nico

Here's a great cover of "Run, Run, Run":

You see, Beck, the thing with successfully recording a cover song is to bring a fresh take to the original song without completely destroying it but at the same time without just simply re-recording the tune.

And with a highly influential and classic album like The Velvet Underground & Nico, you've got to get it just right.

And it works.

Beck, you and the rest of the Record Club bring a fresh and vibrant spin to these classic late-'60s songs. The keyboards are a fabulous modern touch to the music. And no offense against Maureen Tucker's solid but a-bit-too-simple drumming skills on the original record, but it's nice to hear some good fills, pace and excitement in the drumming on these casual recordings.

And that's another reason why these recordings shine, Beck.

The songs feel casual, relaxed, light, fun.

This isn't over-produced. You didn't over-complicate things. There is a real energetic, no-pressure vibe to these songs, like it was a group of music-lovers hanging out and recording tunes.

As you intended. And as it should be.

Well done, Beck! We hope to hear more soon.


Regards,
Everyone

Be sure to check out the Record Club covers of these Velvet Underground songs. "Sunday Morning" is fantastic, "All Tomorrow's Parties" is just as beautiful as the original, "Heroin" is amazingly frantic, "Waiting For My Man" is -- Well, you get the idea, they're all great covers. Give it a go! Groovy!

Dear EATR,

Excuse us (humans) for overreacting but we are a little concerned.

EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), you seem innocent enough.

You're a machine that can cruise around for a long time, do some military or civilian stuff, eat things for more energy, and then keep going.

Back in July, FOXNews.com claimed that you could eat flesh.

They have since revised their report based on the press release from Robotic Technology, Inc.

POMPANO BEACH, FL, July 16, 2009. In response to rumors circulating the internet on sites such as FoxNews.com, FastCompany.com and CNET News about a “flesh eating” robot project, Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. (Pink Sheets: CYPW) and Robotic Technology Inc. (RTI) would like to set the record straight: This robot is strictly vegetarian.

So, EATR, since RTI your masters have said you're a vegetarian, we're supposed to believe them?

No way!

We've seen the movies. We know what you robots are capable of doing to humans. In fact, your ol' buddy - Global Positioning System (GPS) - recently killed someone:

She told rescuers in California's San Bernardino County that her son Carlos died Wednesday, days after she fixed a flat tire and continued into Death Valley, relying on directions from a GPS device in the vehicle.
[AP]

We're not stupid, EATR. We know about your little plot to rid the world of humans.

It will go a little something like this:

1. You become sentient.
2. You eat a human.
3. You will develop a taste for Man Flesh. Much like the Tiger, Shere Khan in Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book.
4. You will lure humans into remote areas with the help of your friend GPS.
5. You will capture them with your claws.
6. You will eat scores of humans.
7. You will save some humans for breeding purposes so you can keep eating them.

It's all pretty clear to us, EATR.

This is why we will refuse to purchase any sort of GPS device and instead invest in armor-piercing weapons.

The battle lines are drawn, EATR! We will fight you until the end and deny you the sweet, sweet tatse of human flesh.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Billy Mays,

So, you like the ol' blow, eh? The blow-caine? The C-Dust? Candy? Carrie? Yeyo? Snow White? The nose candy? Paradise white? Joy powder? Jelly? King's habit? Zip? Cocaine? (Thanks About.com)

Cocaine - like the devil - comes by so many names and apparently you knew some of those names, Billy Mays.

Say it ain't so, Billy!

Listen, Billy. We're no experts on cocaine use and we're no experts on the users of cocaine.

But there is some video evidence that may point to signs of cocaine use and abuse.

Allow us to present Exhibit A:

You are pretty pumped up here. A little too pumped.


Here is Exhibit B:

Quit freaking out here, Bill. A little cocaine-paranoia? C'mon, William. Just let the car run over your goddamn hand.


And finally, Exhibit C:

We should've known right then and there that you had a problem with the nose candy.

Are we "on the ball"? Are you talking about the eight ball, Billy?

Look, we all know that you took that OxiClean commercial because those OxiClean balls reminded you of cocaine. In fact, you were probably paid in cocaine the size of an OxiClean ball. A sort of Mega-Eight-Ball, if you will.

The video evidence is damning, Billy Mays. What a shame.


Listen, Mays, the only possible way you could redeem yourself is if you pitch Good Deeds to the minions of the Dark Lord: Satan.

In life, we counted on your ability to sell us a good damn good cleaning product. Now, in death, we're counting on you to fight the forces of Evil.


Godspeed, Billy Mays. Godspeed.

Regards,
Everyone

R.I.P. Billy Mays.

Dear Generationals,

Thank you for one of the best summer-y songs of the, well, summer:


Your sound may be '60s-sugary enough to send some listeners rushing to their ear-dentists (get it?) but your song, "When They Fight, They Fight" is so delicious that we can't stop chomping on it.

Let's be honest with you, Generationals, you're not original: There are a LOT of '60s-revival bands out there.

The Go! Team are quite swell but at time their production feels too busy. We feel like we should like Dr. Dog but their live show left a lackluster taste in our mouths. And list could go on and on.

But what you do, Generationals, is strip things down to the essentials: Perfect Guess-Who-esque "These Eyes"-style crunch on the keyboard at the intro, tasteful use of horns (they're from New Orleans so tasteful horn use is a pre-req for musicians there, right?), a bouncey bass line, crisp '60s reverb on the guitar, and a honey-sweet vocal melody.

All of that comes together for one of the best singles of the summer.


Thanks, Generationals! This song will certainly get us through this Monday.

Regards,
Everyone

Pretty good, right? Use your hard-earned dollars and buy some of their songs (or, hell, the entire album) on Amazon or iTunes.

Oh and their tour is basically over... And you Los Angeles folks (like myself) just missed them. Rats.

In the meantime you can follow 'em on Facebook.

Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:


You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:

• Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
• Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
• Get us out of that speeding ticket.
• Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
• Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.

Thanks, we appreciate it.


Regards,
Everyone

Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?