Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:


You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:

• Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
• Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
• Get us out of that speeding ticket.
• Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
• Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.

Thanks, we appreciate it.


Regards,
Everyone

Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?

Dear President Obama,

We know you're busy drinking beers and doing some crazy-ass stuff with health care, so, we just wanted to bring this to your attention:

"The 160-page English-slanglish lexicon includes terms, definitions, parts of speech, sample sentences and notes on the etymology and origin of new slang, [Professor Pamela] Munro said.

Other terms or phrases include "fomo," or fear of missing out, "schwa" for wow; and "obama," meaning cool, as in "You so obama."
[Reuters]

That's right, President Obama. You've made the sixth edition of UCLA Slang and apparently your last name is synonymous with the ever-nebulous concept of "cool."

We're obviously not cool President Obama. But we know one thing, a group of people trying to make your last name mean "cool" is, well, not cool. In fact, we believe these people are mentally suspect. We suppose you could even say that they are acting stupidly, right? Right.

C'mon. Who would even say that? Like, who watches the Tron trailer (told you we're not cool) and lean over to their friend and say, "Pretty Obama, eh?" Hopefully only non-voters are the ones saying that.

So, next time we hear someone utter the phrase "You so Obama" or "That was not Obama, man" or "I thought that song was Obama," we'll punch 'em in the throat.

You're welcome.


Regards,
Everyone

GRETCHEN: That is so fetch!
REGINA: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Mean Girls (2004)

Dear Southern California,

It's days like these that make us love you.


Drum circle and a sunset. [Venice, CA]


It's a bit chilly today but we're looking forward to more weekends like this. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone


N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS whilst riding my new bike!

Dear Drunk Clown,

If we had to be grown adults in make-up and entertain bratty children, we'd probably drink a lot too:

Patricia Ingalls is the clown who Wheeling [Ohio] police arrested for alleged drunken driving late Friday after they said she left the scene of an accident.

Ingalls talked with NEWS9 Sunday and said that she's sorry that the children she went to entertain witnessed her being taken into custody.
[WTOV]

So, Drunk Clown, it turns out you were drinking, you hit and run, you went to a kids party, you were led away in handcuffs with children hanging on you saying "Don't take the clown."

If those children didn't hate clowns already, they sure do now. Thanks, Drunk Clown.

Know what else is impressive? Your 0.252 Blood Alcohol Content.

According to Wikipedia if your BAC is between 0.21 and 0.29, your behavior includes:

• Stupor
• Loss of understanding
• Impaired sensations

All this goes along some of the behavior shown at a BAC of 0.11 to 0.20:

• Over-expression
• Emotional swings
• Anger or sadness
• Boisterous

Sound familiar? Oh, wait, that's right. That's what clowns do!


So, Drunk Clown, it appears as if you revealed the worst kept secret in the Clown Industry: You are all drunks.

But you're the clown that got caught, Drunk Clown!

Other clowns don't clown around and don't get clowned by the cops when they get Clown Drunk (the clown equivalent to Piss Drunk). Other clowns carefully toe that sad, sad line between getting drunk and molesting entertaining children.

Looks like you can't hack it, Drunk Clown. We hope your clowning days are over. As a matter of fact, we hope the days of all clowns come to an end.


Regards,
Everyone

A BAC of 0.252 is a lot. Trust me. We have a friend with a breathalyzer. Enough said.

Also, y'know when you write a lot of the same word it starts to look weird? That's happening with me and "clown" right now.