Dear Billy Mays,

So, you like the ol' blow, eh? The blow-caine? The C-Dust? Candy? Carrie? Yeyo? Snow White? The nose candy? Paradise white? Joy powder? Jelly? King's habit? Zip? Cocaine? (Thanks About.com)

Cocaine - like the devil - comes by so many names and apparently you knew some of those names, Billy Mays.

Say it ain't so, Billy!

Listen, Billy. We're no experts on cocaine use and we're no experts on the users of cocaine.

But there is some video evidence that may point to signs of cocaine use and abuse.

Allow us to present Exhibit A:

You are pretty pumped up here. A little too pumped.


Here is Exhibit B:

Quit freaking out here, Bill. A little cocaine-paranoia? C'mon, William. Just let the car run over your goddamn hand.


And finally, Exhibit C:

We should've known right then and there that you had a problem with the nose candy.

Are we "on the ball"? Are you talking about the eight ball, Billy?

Look, we all know that you took that OxiClean commercial because those OxiClean balls reminded you of cocaine. In fact, you were probably paid in cocaine the size of an OxiClean ball. A sort of Mega-Eight-Ball, if you will.

The video evidence is damning, Billy Mays. What a shame.


Listen, Mays, the only possible way you could redeem yourself is if you pitch Good Deeds to the minions of the Dark Lord: Satan.

In life, we counted on your ability to sell us a good damn good cleaning product. Now, in death, we're counting on you to fight the forces of Evil.


Godspeed, Billy Mays. Godspeed.

Regards,
Everyone

R.I.P. Billy Mays.

Dear Generationals,

Thank you for one of the best summer-y songs of the, well, summer:


Your sound may be '60s-sugary enough to send some listeners rushing to their ear-dentists (get it?) but your song, "When They Fight, They Fight" is so delicious that we can't stop chomping on it.

Let's be honest with you, Generationals, you're not original: There are a LOT of '60s-revival bands out there.

The Go! Team are quite swell but at time their production feels too busy. We feel like we should like Dr. Dog but their live show left a lackluster taste in our mouths. And list could go on and on.

But what you do, Generationals, is strip things down to the essentials: Perfect Guess-Who-esque "These Eyes"-style crunch on the keyboard at the intro, tasteful use of horns (they're from New Orleans so tasteful horn use is a pre-req for musicians there, right?), a bouncey bass line, crisp '60s reverb on the guitar, and a honey-sweet vocal melody.

All of that comes together for one of the best singles of the summer.


Thanks, Generationals! This song will certainly get us through this Monday.

Regards,
Everyone

Pretty good, right? Use your hard-earned dollars and buy some of their songs (or, hell, the entire album) on Amazon or iTunes.

Oh and their tour is basically over... And you Los Angeles folks (like myself) just missed them. Rats.

In the meantime you can follow 'em on Facebook.

Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:


You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:

• Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
• Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
• Get us out of that speeding ticket.
• Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
• Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.

Thanks, we appreciate it.


Regards,
Everyone

Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?

Dear President Obama,

We know you're busy drinking beers and doing some crazy-ass stuff with health care, so, we just wanted to bring this to your attention:

"The 160-page English-slanglish lexicon includes terms, definitions, parts of speech, sample sentences and notes on the etymology and origin of new slang, [Professor Pamela] Munro said.

Other terms or phrases include "fomo," or fear of missing out, "schwa" for wow; and "obama," meaning cool, as in "You so obama."
[Reuters]

That's right, President Obama. You've made the sixth edition of UCLA Slang and apparently your last name is synonymous with the ever-nebulous concept of "cool."

We're obviously not cool President Obama. But we know one thing, a group of people trying to make your last name mean "cool" is, well, not cool. In fact, we believe these people are mentally suspect. We suppose you could even say that they are acting stupidly, right? Right.

C'mon. Who would even say that? Like, who watches the Tron trailer (told you we're not cool) and lean over to their friend and say, "Pretty Obama, eh?" Hopefully only non-voters are the ones saying that.

So, next time we hear someone utter the phrase "You so Obama" or "That was not Obama, man" or "I thought that song was Obama," we'll punch 'em in the throat.

You're welcome.


Regards,
Everyone

GRETCHEN: That is so fetch!
REGINA: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Mean Girls (2004)