Dear Lawrence Taylor,

Usually we tend to say, "Listen we get it..." but, listen, we don't get it.

We do get that you like young chicks. We get that you like to pay for sex. We get that you like to spare no expense at the Holiday Inn.

But let's be honest here: Your pimp couldn't get you someone legal?

We're shaking our heads here. We just don't get it.

Isn't there some sort of provision in the Client-Pimp relationship that makes sure that the client doesn't end up with a rape charge?

Then again, you forgot the first rule of buying sex: Never trust a pimp.

Why can't you be like other respectable high-powered businessmen, politicians, pro-athletes and Tiger Woods and just get yourself a porn star or a stripper?

Oh, wait, that's right. You're kind of a sick fuck.


Allegedly.

Regards,
Everyone

PS: And LT, you better get some thank you cards from Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and Big Rape Roethlisberger. You took the cake on this one.

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Dear Regards, Everyone,

Where the hell have you been?

We were used to checking out the blog semi-regularly, reading some pseduo-humorous posts on the world around us, and then (sometimes) coming down with a case of the L-O-Ls.

But you haven't posted since the 25th of November 2009.

What gives?

Are you dead? Did you have too much to eat during Thanksgiving? Did you get arrested after driving a modified electric Barbie car? Did Jay Leno steal your job and NBC didn't allow you to blog until a later date (but you can still Tweet)? Did you, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James(not the outlaw) go to rehab for your alleged "sex addiction"? Did you turn into a drunk Scottish bear? Or maybe you've been cheating on your blog with another blog?

To borrow a quote from the poet of our generation, Britney Spears, "Gimmie, gimmie more."


Jerk.

Regards,
Everyone

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N.B. This open letter submitted by Regards, Everyone Fan Club #42, West Des Moines, IA

N.B. This video brought to you by Britney, bitch.

Dear Employers,

It's a crime to have your employees work a full day on the day before a major holiday.

And, while we're on the subject, it should be a crime to have your employees work the day after a major holiday.

Let's face it. Unless you're in some sort of service industry, nobody is going to get any work done on the day before or after. Motivation is at a low. Holiday-related stress is at a high. C'mon, give us a break.

Here's what we say: Half-day before major holidays or before the weekend of a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, New Year's Day). Full days off after those days for recovery purposes. Mandatory. For everyone in the ol' 9-to-5 office job.

That'll keep us from rioting. Thanks!


Regards,
Everyone


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Dear Beatles Fans,

You're suckers.

But let's face it... We're all suckers.

We're going to go out there and buy those records and those box sets and watch the television specials and pretty much anything that says "Beatles" on it.

It's Beatlemania all over again.

[O]n Amazon’s list of top sellers, “Abbey Road” from 1969 is edging out “The Beatles,” which is followed by “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” “Revolver” and “Rubber Soul.”
[LA Times]

And the box sets are selling like hot cakes too!

Don't look now, Beatles Fans, but keep spending that hard-earned cash and you might see The Beatles kick-start this sluggish economy. (Wishful thinking).

Now before you go off and do something rash, here are some tips:

Be sure to buy the mono box set which is the way God George Martin and The Beatles intended. And then individually buy the ones that were done in stereo: "Yellow Submarine," "Abbey Road," and "Let It Be."

Then pick up the Past Masters (it combines both volumes!).

And then you're pretty much set.


Well, almost set. You definitely gotta get A Hard Day's Night and Help! on DVD, then The Beatles Anthology (book and DVD set). Then maybe you wanna pick up The Beatles: The Biography by Bob Spitz. Then maybe Larry Kane's awesome books on The Beatles. Then posters, old magazines, Beatles gear books, books on the chords and structures of the songs, chord books, Rickenbackers, solo albums. And the inevitable Beatles iPod that will come out when Beatles songs are finally sold on iTunes.

And while we're at it, where are The Rutles remasters??

Jeez. All of this is like heroin.

But the good kind of heroin where you don't die when you use a lot then build a tolerance and use more until you overdose.

Y'know, the heroin that says "Beatleroin" on it.


Regards,
Everyone

Dear Labor Day,

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.




2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.




1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

1. Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
2. Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
3. How bad will the traffic be?
4. Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
5. Am I pregnant?
6. Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
7. Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
8. How old is Labor Day?
9. Will club soda take out a meat stain?
10. Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).


Regards,
Everyone