Regards, Everyone:

Dear Lawrence Taylor,

2010-05-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

Usually we tend to say, "Listen we get it..." but, listen, we don't get it.

We do get that you like young chicks. We get that you like to pay for sex. We get that you like to spare no expense at the Holiday Inn.

But let's be honest here: Your pimp couldn't get you someone legal?

We're shaking our heads here. We just don't get it.

Isn't there some sort of provision in the Client-Pimp relationship that makes sure that the client doesn't end up with a rape charge?

Then again, you forgot the first rule of buying sex: Never trust a pimp.

Why can't you be like other respectable high-powered businessmen, politicians, pro-athletes and Tiger Woods and just get yourself a porn star or a stripper?

Oh, wait, that's right. You're kind of a sick fuck.

Allegedly.

Regards,
Everyone

PS: And LT, you better get some thank you cards from Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and Big Rape Roethlisberger. You took the cake on this one.

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Regards, Everyone,

2010-05-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Where the hell have you been?

We were used to checking out the blog semi-regularly, reading some pseduo-humorous posts on the world around us, and then (sometimes) coming down with a case of the L-O-Ls.

But you haven't posted since the 25th of November 2009.

What gives?

Are you dead? Did you have too much to eat during Thanksgiving? Did you get arrested after driving a modified electric Barbie car? Did Jay Leno steal your job and NBC didn't allow you to blog until a later date (but you can still Tweet)? Did you, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James(not the outlaw) go to rehab for your alleged "sex addiction"? Did you turn into a drunk Scottish bear? Or maybe you've been cheating on your blog with another blog?

To borrow a quote from the poet of our generation, Britney Spears, "Gimmie, gimmie more."

Jerk.

Regards,
Everyone

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

N.B. This open letter submitted by Regards, Everyone Fan Club #42, West Des Moines, IA

N.B. This video brought to you by Britney, bitch.

Dear Employers,

2009-11-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

It's a crime to have your employees work a full day on the day before a major holiday.

And, while we're on the subject, it should be a crime to have your employees work the day after a major holiday.

Let's face it. Unless you're in some sort of service industry, nobody is going to get any work done on the day before or after. Motivation is at a low. Holiday-related stress is at a high. C'mon, give us a break.

Here's what we say: Half-day before major holidays or before the weekend of a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, New Year's Day). Full days off after those days for recovery purposes. Mandatory. For everyone in the ol' 9-to-5 office job.

That'll keep us from rioting. Thanks!

Regards,
Everyone

Follow @RegardsEveryone on Twitter!

Dear Beatles Fans,

2009-09-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

You're suckers.

But let's face it... We're all suckers.

We're going to go out there and buy those records and those box sets and watch the television specials and pretty much anything that says "Beatles" on it.

It's Beatlemania all over again.

[O]n Amazon’s list of top sellers, “Abbey Road” from 1969 is edging out “The Beatles,” which is followed by “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” “Revolver” and “Rubber Soul.”
[LA Times]

And the box sets are selling like hot cakes too!

Don't look now, Beatles Fans, but keep spending that hard-earned cash and you might see The Beatles kick-start this sluggish economy. (Wishful thinking).

Now before you go off and do something rash, here are some tips:

Be sure to buy the mono box set which is the way ~~God~~ George Martin and The Beatles intended. And then individually buy the ones that were done in stereo: "Yellow Submarine," "Abbey Road," and "Let It Be."

Then pick up the Past Masters (it combines both volumes!).

And then you're pretty much set.

Well, almost set. You definitely gotta get A Hard Day's Night and Help! on DVD, then The Beatles Anthology (book and DVD set). Then maybe you wanna pick up The Beatles: The Biography by Bob Spitz. Then maybe Larry Kane's awesome books on The Beatles. Then posters, old magazines, Beatles gear books, books on the chords and structures of the songs, chord books, Rickenbackers, solo albums. And the inevitable Beatles iPod that will come out when Beatles songs are finally sold on iTunes.

And while we're at it, where are The Rutles remasters??

Jeez. All of this is like heroin.

But the good kind of heroin where you don't die when you use a lot then build a tolerance and use more until you overdose.

Y'know, the heroin that says "Beatleroin" on it.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Labor Day,

2009-09-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Even with your auspicious beginnings as a holiday to celebrate the strength of trade and labor organizations in the United States, you were eventually watered down to just "the last three-day weekend before the end of summer so we better get really fucking drunk."

But maybe you've forgotten how to party, Labor Day. After all, you are one-hundred and twenty years old!

Here a few reminders of what a modern Labor Day celebration is all about:

3. Meat: Maybe back in the first Labor Day in 1882, there was a bit more of a political tone. But not these days, Labor Day. It's all about conspicuous consumption of delicious, delicious meats. This is one of the few days out of the year where we can flaunt the amount of meat we have and really stick it to those awful vegetarians and make them feel inferior and un-American.

2. Booze: Healthy amounts of beer is necessary for a successful celebration of your day, Labor Day. Damn fine American beer is the way to go. Thankfully there was some recent news that let us know that beer is healthy for us.

If the cops pull us over, they're just being un-American and not interested in the health of our bones.

1. Smart Phone: We know, Labor Day, you're looking at this and thinking: How can I eat or drink a smart phone?

Well, you idiot, it's pretty obvious that you don't eat or drink an iPhone or whatever.

We're in 2009, Labor Day. We're not only consuming piles of meat and buckets of booze, we're also consuming information one megabyte at a time!

We will need these smart phones to tell us many things:

Did we invite Janet to the BBQ?
Is it 15 minutes on each side or was it 7 minutes?
How bad will the traffic be?
Is it going to be that hot at the beach?
Am I pregnant?
Where is the nearest liquor store for another beer run?
Can I still wear white after Labor Day?
How old is Labor Day?
Will club soda take out a meat stain?
Which "True Blood" character am I?

That's what it's all about these days, Labor Day.

Happy Birthday, Labor Day. This Bud's for you (and you and you and you).

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Women Who Drink Beer,

2009-09-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Are you concerned about osteoporosis? Trust me. Everyone is. It's a big health concern.

But there's some good news for you, Women Who Drink Beer. Beer - just like milk - is good for your bones!

Women defined as "light" or "moderate" beer drinkers, covering consumption of up to 280 grams of alcohol a week - equivalent to up to five units a day, were found to have superior bone density to non-drinkers.
[BBC]

It seems as if some magical plant hormone in the beer is what's strengthening those bones.

Whatever the case, it's good to hear about another study confirming the wonder and joy of beer especially in light of the upcoming holiday. Labor Day is approaching very quickly and there have been some concerns about how much beer one should consume. Whether or not those large quantities of beer are actually good for you.

But when the BBC reports, people listen: Beer strengthens bones (i.e. It is good for you).

Honestly, there really isn't much more to say beyond that. But if you (and you Men folk as well) are not convinced then click over here to read ten more reasons why beer is good for you.

Drink to your health!

Regards,
Everyone

Bah humbug:

"There are also many other health concerns linked with alcohol which cannot be ignored." ~ Dr. Claire Bowring [BBC]

Stop being a downer, Doc.

Dear Chris Brown,

2009-08-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

We've written time and time again about how we feel about you.

Well, you've finally been sentenced and here is your punishment for beating up chicks:

Pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced Tuesday to serve five years probation and to spend more than 1,400 hours in "labor-oriented service" for assaulting his pop star girlfriend, Rihanna.
[CNN]

We know you only hit her because you love her so much but this is what you get.

Not surprisingly, your well-documented punch-up with Rihanna wasn't the first time.

The first incident allegedly occurred about three months earlier, in Europe, when Brown and Rihanna were in a "verbal dispute," according to the report ... She slapped him and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall,the report alleged.

Three weeks before the February incident, Brown and Rihanna were in Barbados, driving a Range Rover lent to them by a local dealership when they had an argument inside the car, according to the report. Brown got out and broke both the front driver and passenger side windows, the report alleged.
[LA Times]

You would think that after watching your mother get beat up, you wouldn't go down that path.

Listen, all we gotta say is this: Chill. The fuck. Out.

You're only 20. There's plenty of time to squander your millions, grow into a curmudgeon and be angry and bitter about the world. Just chill out right now. And stop beating women. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Alternative Units of Measurement,

2009-08-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

When ~~standard~~ boring units of measurement don't do the job there's always you, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement.

3. Alligators: There have been some who say they have never heard this unit of measurement but this is one of our favorites. This is most commonly used on the two-hand-touch (American)football field where one gets "x alligators" before they can rush the quarterback. Some allegedly use "one-thousands" but those aren't as menacing as "alligators." [See below for a ferocious picture]

2. Jiffy: Lo and behold, the "jiffy" is actually used as a unit of measurement. According to Wikipedia a jiffy is typically 0.01 seconds.

Well, whatever the case, now we know when someone says they'll be "back in a jiffy," we can hold them to it.

Also, we have some serious questions for the Jiffy Pop guys. More like 300 jiffys. Jerks.

1. Bucket: Then, of course, there is the bucket. Long-time readers of Regards, Everyone can look back and see the love for the bucket.

And it still stands as the best Alternative Unit of Measurement.

Of course, Mr. Alternative Units of Measurement, there are so many to choose from. An honorable mention would have to be the shake. Well, two shakes to be more specific.

We look forward to using more of you in our daily lives.

Thank you.

Regards,
Everyone

Now, I'll give you three alligators to find me a place that can bring me a bucket of Alaskan king crab in a jiffy. Thanks.

And ... what is your favorite Alternative Unit of Measurement?

Dear Vampires,

2009-08-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

We're not sure who your agent is(?), but your agent is definitely earning his/her/its 10%

Seriously, you Vampires have to be the most bankable supernatural creatures in the Business!

It starts back in 1897 with Bram Stoker's Dracula all the way up to the Twilight series.

Looks like you've learned a thing or two about showbiz. After all, you can live forever. Unless, of course, you trip and fall on a sharpened piece of wood (that's how the idiot vampires get weeded out).

You pretty much have the monster/horror market cornered!

Interview With The Vampire, a boatload of Anne Rice books, I Am Legend (spoiler alert?), Twilight, True Blood, Blade, Interview With The Vampire, Van Helsing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (both the film and the television show), the list goes on and on and on.

The list also extends to The Vampire Diaries (are you fucking kidding us?) which premieres on The CW this September. Well, that's sure to be another ~~cash-cow~~ cash-vampire. Keep cashing those royalty checks, Vampires.

Are you concerned about other supernatural creatures? Well, clearly their agent isn't as good as yours.

Think about it, Vampire. You have no competition!

Werewolves? Werewolves are a joke! Now you're thinking, what about Jacob Black? Hardly. He can't undo years of damage on the werewolf reputation.

And his character was written by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

Much like the way Meyer alone cannot damage the reputation of vampires with her shoddy writing, her spin on werewolves cannot undo years of damage to the werewolf reputation: An American Werewolf In Paris (lame), Teen Wolf (as much as we love Michael J. Fox ...), Teen Wolf Too (gross), Big Wolf On Campus (what?), Wolf Girl ('nuff said), etc., etc.

Sorry, werewolves.

Vampires, you're mysterious, sexy, dark, tortured, violent, immortal. These are all things humans like!

Werewolves don't stand a chance. Ghosts? You can't even touch them. Demons? Forget it. Wizards? Nope. Witches? Nope. Zombies? Nope.

You're in the clear, Vampires. People want you. People want to be you. And Industry-bloodsuckers want to work with you immortal-bloodsuckers.

You win.

Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, The Vampire Diaries? Un-fucking-believable. I was absolutely stunned to see a billboard promoting that show. This vampire madness will never end.

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML" [http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321]

Dear Heisters,

2009-08-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

You're kind of like a shyster but better, because you're a Heister.

The smartly dressed duo went into Graff Jewellers in the upmarket Mayfair district last Thursday afternoon, threatened staff with handguns and briefly took a female member of staff hostage.
[Reuters]

It is you, "smartly dressed" Heisters, that give us faith in the fantasy.

I mean especially with movie after movie after movie about incredible heists it's reassuring to know that heisting really does take place in real life especially in digital age where heisting is probably a way bigger risk than it was before clever heist-stopping inventions like fingerprints, DNA, and video cameras were created to stop you Heisters.

I mean really, we live in a time people get caught by Google Street View jumping fences and coming out of porn shops!

So, it's nice to know that some men in this world actually have the balls to come through and really pull off a grand heist and not get caught within the first 30 seconds.

Kudos to you, Heisters.

Regards,
Everyone

Ed. Note: You know who to contact if you see those Heisters in the photo above.

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear Overdub,

2009-08-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Listen, we thought that Monday was going to kick us in back of the head while we weren't paying attention but then we came across this song. And this song is going to save our day:

We don't need to tell you that this song is awesome. But, Overdub, we'll say it: This song is awesome.

Radiohead's "15 Step" and Dave Brubeck's jazz classic "Take Five" seem to be the most unlikely of combinations but that's why this mashup works so well.

It takes vision and foresight and true knowledge of music to make this work as gloriously as it does.

Well, Overdub, that and we're just suckers for mashups.

Thanks again for helping out with Monday.

Regards,
Everyone

Overdub has a ton of bootlegs available for you to download. Head to the web site and check out all the awesome mashups.

To head to the Radiohead vs. Dave Brubeck mashup - "Five Step" - you can head to this page and it should be the fifth song down. Enjoy!

Dear Movies To Fall Asleep To,

2009-08-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

Some people fall asleep with a night light. Some people fall asleep to music. Some people fall asleep with earplugs. Some people fall asleep to the city noise in the streets below.

And some people really like to fall asleep to movies.

That's us.

It has to be the right movie, though. You have to combine a soothing soundtrack (generally no pop music), a relatively slow pace, relaxing dialogue, and subtle mood changes. Old film stock tends to help too because the picture won't be as bright or flashy. The sound quality of older films are generally more even as well: There often won't be a lot of sudden loud moments that might jar you from your slumber.

So, Movies To Fall Asleep To, here is your Top 3 best movies for pre-snoozing and - ultimately - snoozing:

3. Field Of Dreams: Here's a good one. A nice late-80s movie (1989). Warm film stock. And - of course - there's James Earl Jones and his soothing voice talking about baseball and America. What a comforting, sleep-inducing moment.

2. The Godfather: Here's an absolute classic that you can snooze to. This three-hour epic has a very steady pace, a relatively sparse soundtrack, and a lot of talking. This is sure to lull people to sleep.

1. The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Here is another epic that could quite possibly be one of the best films for snoozing especially much of scenes of the Shire early in the film. Soothing music (see/listen to the YouTube clip below), Gandalf's soothing voice, rich pastoral scenes. You'll be sleeping in no time and you'll miss all that loud action at the end.

So, there you are Movies To Fall Asleep To. Of course, the trouble is that often times we associate these movies with sleep and it's nearly impossible to watch them "for reals" without falling asleep.

Oh well. Keep up the good work and keep us snoozing!

Regards,
Everyone

Honorable Mention: It's not really a movie but Planet Earth as narrated by Sir David Attenborough is fantastic to fall asleep to.

What are your favorite movies to fall asleep to?

Dear Brett Favre,

2009-08-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

Congratulations on coming out of retirement (again) and signing with the Minnesota Vikings.

You truly are a master of many things, Mr. Favre.

Let us list some of things you've mastered over time:

Touchdowns.
Interceptions.
Bringing youthful passion to the game of football at your age.
Exciting come-from-behind victories.
Retiring.
Tearfully convincing us you'll never play again.
Coming out of retirement.
Helping your fellow man.

That's right, Brett, you are also a master of helping your fellow man.

No, we're not talking about your foundation or the charities you support.

We're talking about the asses you've saved from public embarrassment because of your constant domination of national sports news cycles.

Ass #1: Rick Pitino
The national championship winning college basketball coach, husband and father of five had sex with a woman in a Louisville, KY restaurant and then paid $3,000.00 for an abortion and then this woman tries to extort Pitino for $10 million.

This scandal would've still been front and center but you saved that ass, Favre!

Ass #2: Josh Hamilton
You know the story, Brett. Major League Baseball player Josh Hamilton famously came back from drug and alcohol addiction to get back into baseball and become a two-time MLB All-Star.

Then he relapsed.

Embarrassing pictures were recently posted online of the married Josh Hamilton carousing with women not named Mrs. Hamilton.

But guess what, Brett? You saved him from the intense public scrutiny regarding his sobriety.

Ass #3: Michael Vick
Everyone knows this story.

Vick tortured and killed dogs, served his time in jail, went bankrupt, and then the controversial quarterback was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. This was THE story of the off-season.

But now Vick can practice in relative peace while the news cameras descend upon Viking training camp.

You saved that ass, Brett!

Big Ben Roethlisberger is breathing a sigh of relief too.

Brett, you have spent many seasons carrying entire football teams on your back with your inspirational play. Now you've also carried Pitino, Hamilton and Vick!

We think they owe you, Brett.

Big time.

We're thinking you hit 'em up for a nice dinner, maybe convince 'em to get you a Komodo Dragon that you can eat for dinner, maybe have 'em help you move in to your apartment in Minneapolis, or - better yet - have 'em buy you some cool-looking (but questionably-built) product for your apartment from the new Sharper Image web site (coming soon)!

Regards,
Everyone

PS: Or maybe a Retiring ... For Dummies book.

Is there anyone worse at retiring than Brett Favre? Michael Jordan, maybe? How about Star Wars? Or maybe The Who. They hoped they died before they got old. I want to say The Rolling Stones ... But I feel like they never claimed they were ever going to retire.

Also, my dear friend Woody compares Brett Favre to his high school girlfriend. It's funny 'cause it's true. Check it out here!

Dear Paul Reubens,

2009-08-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

The Pee-wee Herman Show, starring Paul Reubens, has announced an extension of its engagement at the Music Box @ Fonda in Hollywood. The production will begin previews November 8, with an opening on November 19, and a new closing date of December 20.

The stage production will be a "re-imagined" version of the show, and will feature Pee-wee regulars, including Miss Yvonne, Mailman Mike, Cowboy Curtis, and Jambi the Genie.
[Theater Mania]

Just no more pulling out your pee wee in public, ok? Cuz no one wants to see that shit.

XoXo - Feel free to recreate Blow for your next project.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Ed. Note: When all else fails - like a career - just go with what you know.

Dear Beck,

2009-08-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

Here you are pushing forty and you're still doing cool shit like Record Club.

You take a group of your friends (including actor Giovanni Ribisi, producer-extraordinaire Nigel Godrich, and Icelandic musician Thorunn Magnusdottir), hang out and record most of the tracks from the classic Velvet Underground album: The Velvet Underground & Nico

Here's a great cover of "Run, Run, Run":

You see, Beck, the thing with successfully recording a cover song is to bring a fresh take to the original song without completely destroying it but at the same time without just simply re-recording the tune.

And with a highly influential and classic album like The Velvet Underground & Nico, you've got to get it just right.

And it works.

Beck, you and the rest of the Record Club bring a fresh and vibrant spin to these classic late-'60s songs. The keyboards are a fabulous modern touch to the music. And no offense against Maureen Tucker's solid but a-bit-too-simple drumming skills on the original record, but it's nice to hear some good fills, pace and excitement in the drumming on these casual recordings.

And that's another reason why these recordings shine, Beck.

The songs feel casual, relaxed, light, fun.

This isn't over-produced. You didn't over-complicate things. There is a real energetic, no-pressure vibe to these songs, like it was a group of music-lovers hanging out and recording tunes.

As you intended. And as it should be.

Well done, Beck! We hope to hear more soon.

Regards,
Everyone

Be sure to check out the Record Club covers of these Velvet Underground songs. "Sunday Morning" is fantastic, "All Tomorrow's Parties" is just as beautiful as the original, "Heroin" is amazingly frantic, "Waiting For My Man" is -- Well, you get the idea, they're all great covers. Give it a go! Groovy!

Dear EATR,

2009-08-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

Excuse us (humans) for overreacting but we are a little concerned.

EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), you seem innocent enough.

You're a machine that can cruise around for a long time, do some military or civilian stuff, eat things for more energy, and then keep going.

Back in July, FOXNews.com claimed that you could eat flesh.

They have since revised their report based on the press release from Robotic Technology, Inc.

POMPANO BEACH, FL, July 16, 2009. In response to rumors circulating the internet on sites such as FoxNews.com, FastCompany.com and CNET News about a “flesh eating” robot project, Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. (Pink Sheets: CYPW) and Robotic Technology Inc. (RTI) would like to set the record straight: This robot is strictly vegetarian.

So, EATR, since ~~RTI~~ your masters have said you're a vegetarian, we're supposed to believe them?

No way!

We've seen the movies. We know what you robots are capable of doing to humans. In fact, your ol' buddy - Global Positioning System (GPS) - recently killed someone:

She told rescuers in California's San Bernardino County that her son Carlos died Wednesday, days after she fixed a flat tire and continued into Death Valley, relying on directions from a GPS device in the vehicle.
[AP]

We're not stupid, EATR. We know about your little plot to rid the world of humans.

It will go a little something like this:

You become sentient.
You eat a human.
You will develop a taste for Man Flesh. Much like the Tiger, Shere Khan in Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book.
You will lure humans into remote areas with the help of your friend GPS.
You will capture them with your claws.
You will eat scores of humans.
You will save some humans for breeding purposes so you can keep eating them.

It's all pretty clear to us, EATR.

This is why we will refuse to purchase any sort of GPS device and instead invest in armor-piercing weapons.

The battle lines are drawn, EATR! We will fight you until the end and deny you the sweet, sweet tatse of human flesh.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Billy Mays,

2009-08-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

So, you like the ol' blow, eh? The blow-caine? The C-Dust? Candy? Carrie? Yeyo? Snow White? The nose candy? Paradise white? Joy powder? Jelly? King's habit? Zip? Cocaine? (Thanks About.com)

Cocaine - like the devil - comes by so many names and apparently you knew some of those names, Billy Mays.

Say it ain't so, Billy!

Listen, Billy. We're no experts on cocaine use and we're no experts on the users of cocaine.

But there is some video evidence that may point to signs of cocaine use and abuse.

Allow us to present Exhibit A:

You are pretty pumped up here. A little too pumped.

Here is Exhibit B:

Quit freaking out here, Bill. A little cocaine-paranoia? C'mon, William. Just let the car run over your goddamn hand.

And finally, Exhibit C:

We should've known right then and there that you had a problem with the nose candy.

Are we "on the ball"? Are you talking about the eight ball, Billy?

Look, we all know that you took that OxiClean commercial because those OxiClean balls reminded you of cocaine. In fact, you were probably paid in cocaine the size of an OxiClean ball. A sort of Mega-Eight-Ball, if you will.

The video evidence is damning, Billy Mays. What a shame.

Listen, Mays, the only possible way you could redeem yourself is if you pitch Good Deeds to the minions of the Dark Lord: Satan.

In life, we counted on your ability to sell us a ~~good~~ damn good cleaning product. Now, in death, we're counting on you to fight the forces of Evil.

Godspeed, Billy Mays. Godspeed.

Regards,
Everyone

R.I.P. Billy Mays.

Dear Generationals,

2009-08-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you for one of the best summer-y songs of the, well, summer:

Your sound may be '60s-sugary enough to send some listeners rushing to their ear-dentists (get it?) but your song, "When They Fight, They Fight" is so delicious that we can't stop chomping on it.

Let's be honest with you, Generationals, you're not original: There are a LOT of '60s-revival bands out there.

The Go! Team are quite swell but at time their production feels too busy. We feel like we should like Dr. Dog but their live show left a lackluster taste in our mouths. And list could go on and on.

But what you do, Generationals, is strip things down to the essentials: Perfect Guess-Who-esque "These Eyes"-style crunch on the keyboard at the intro, tasteful use of horns (they're from New Orleans so tasteful horn use is a pre-req for musicians there, right?), a bouncey bass line, crisp '60s reverb on the guitar, and a honey-sweet vocal melody.

All of that comes together for one of the best singles of the summer.

Thanks, Generationals! This song will certainly get us through this Monday.

Regards,
Everyone

Pretty good, right? Use your hard-earned dollars and buy some of their songs (or, hell, the entire album) on Amazon or iTunes.

Oh and their tour is basically over... And you Los Angeles folks (like myself) just missed them. Rats.

In the meantime you can follow 'em on Facebook.

Dear Rubik's Cube Sandwich,

2009-08-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

You. Are. Amazing.

The Rubik’s Cube has confounded us for years. Maybe the sandwich version of this puzzling brain teaser will do the same. The Rubix Cubewich contains cubes of pastrami, kielbasa, pork fat, salami, and two types of cheddar.[Insanewiches.com]

We're not sure if this is what Ernő Rubik had in mind when he first designed his cube, but we do know this: We like cubes of meat arranged to look like his famous puzzle game.

Well done, Rubik's Cube Sandwich. We are going to find you and - rest assured - we're going to eat you.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue,

2009-08-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks for securing the release of two American journalists. We'll be honest with you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue, you are pretty incredible.

You will certainly go down in history as one of the most notoriously persuasive tongues in all of history. You are right up there with Hitler, Jesus, Johnnie Cochran, and Thurgood Marshall.

Those folks (whether you like 'em or not) were able to convince people of anything. Pretty much like you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Look how quickly we forget about this and this.

Oh, and of course, there was this classic moment:

You totally had us fooled there (for a little while, at least)!

We have so much to learn to learn from you, Bill Clinton's Silver-Tongue.

Well, now that you've sorted out the whole journalists-captured-in-North-Korea situation, maybe you can help us with a few other things:

Tell China to quit stressin' out about Tibet they ain't hurtin' nobody.
Talk to that contractor who never finished the pool and get him to finish that goddamn pool.
Get us out of that speeding ticket.
Negotiate a deal with the scale that we're actually 7-lbs. lighter than the scale says we are.
Convince Michael Jackson to quit foolin', wake up and start playing shows.

Thanks, we appreciate it.

Regards,
Everyone

Tell me, what else can Bill's Silver-Tongue help you with?

Dear President Obama,

2009-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

We know you're busy drinking beers and doing some crazy-ass stuff with health care, so, we just wanted to bring this to your attention:

"The 160-page English-slanglish lexicon includes terms, definitions, parts of speech, sample sentences and notes on the etymology and origin of new slang, [Professor Pamela] Munro said.

Other terms or phrases include "fomo," or fear of missing out, "schwa" for wow; and "obama," meaning cool, as in "You so obama."
[Reuters]

That's right, President Obama. You've made the sixth edition of UCLA Slang and apparently your last name is synonymous with the ever-nebulous concept of "cool."

We're obviously not cool President Obama. But we know one thing, a group of people trying to make your last name mean "cool" is, well, not cool. In fact, we believe these people are mentally suspect. We suppose you could even say that they are acting stupidly, right? Right.

C'mon. Who would even say that? Like, who watches the Tron trailer (told you we're not cool) and lean over to their friend and say, "Pretty Obama, eh?" Hopefully only non-voters are the ones saying that.

So, next time we hear someone utter the phrase "You so Obama" or "That was not Obama, man" or "I thought that song was Obama," we'll punch 'em in the throat.

You're welcome.

Regards,
Everyone

GRETCHEN: That is so fetch!
REGINA: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Mean Girls (2004)

Dear Southern California,

2009-05-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

It's days like these that make us love you.

Drum circle and a sunset. [Venice, CA]

It's a bit chilly today but we're looking forward to more weekends like this. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS whilst riding my new bike!

Dear Drunk Clown,

2009-05-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

If we had to be grown adults in make-up and entertain bratty children, we'd probably drink a lot too:

Patricia Ingalls is the clown who Wheeling [Ohio] police arrested for alleged drunken driving late Friday after they said she left the scene of an accident.

Ingalls talked with NEWS9 Sunday and said that she's sorry that the children she went to entertain witnessed her being taken into custody.
[WTOV]

So, Drunk Clown, it turns out you were drinking, you hit and run, you went to a kids party, you were led away in handcuffs with children hanging on you saying "Don't take the clown."

If those children didn't hate clowns already, they sure do now. Thanks, Drunk Clown.

Know what else is impressive? Your 0.252 Blood Alcohol Content.

According to Wikipedia if your BAC is between 0.21 and 0.29, your behavior includes:

Stupor
Loss of understanding
Impaired sensations

All this goes along some of the behavior shown at a BAC of 0.11 to 0.20:

Over-expression
Emotional swings
Anger or sadness
Boisterous

Sound familiar? Oh, wait, that's right. That's what clowns do!

So, Drunk Clown, it appears as if you revealed the worst kept secret in the Clown Industry: You are all drunks.

But you're the clown that got caught, Drunk Clown!

Other clowns don't clown around and don't get clowned by the cops when they get Clown Drunk (the clown equivalent to Piss Drunk). Other clowns carefully toe that sad, sad line between getting drunk and ~~molesting~~ entertaining children.

Looks like you can't hack it, Drunk Clown. We hope your clowning days are over. As a matter of fact, we hope the days of all clowns come to an end.

Regards,
Everyone

A BAC of 0.252 is a lot. Trust me. We have a friend with a breathalyzer. Enough said.

Also, y'know when you write a lot of the same word it starts to look weird? That's happening with me and "clown" right now.

Dear Oil Prices,

2009-05-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

Oh boy. We see what you're doing there, asshole. Did you think that we'd be distracted by Obama and abortion, and earthquakes but as we gear up for the Memorial Day weekend, we see your prices creeping up!

"Retail gasoline prices inched up again overnight to a new national average of $2.311 for a gallon of regular unleaded, according to auto club AAA, Wright Express and Oil Price Information Service.

That’s their highest level since early November, and about 71 cents per gallon above where retail gas ended 2008."
[MSNBC]

What the hell? You should probably help us out a bit and drop some prices while we go drive around and try and jump start this crazy ol' economy.

There's apparently this supply and demand thing that screws with your prices.

More like supply and LAME.

Yah. That's all we got.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear David Caruso,

2009-05-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

So, it's Monday afternoon and we are starting to drag. We need a quick little break and re-energize ourselves and get through to the end of the day.

What better way to take a quick break than with some clips from your ~~critically acclaimed~~ highly rated television show: CSI: Miami.

Your one-liners are absolutely classic. Beginning of the show, slipping on the sunglasses, delivering the line, then intro to that Who song in the title sequence.

Absolute gold.

That's why we keep coming back, David. That's why.

Regards,
Everyone

Sure it's a seven minute clip but just get it started and sort of zone out to David Caruso in the most Zen way you can. And it's therapeutic.

Dear NBA Playoffs,

2009-05-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest here. You are WAY too long. These best-of-seven first round series are absolutely brutal.

Let's speed up the early rounds a bit. Let's give it some of that college basketball excitement!

Listen. We get it. It's all about the dollars. Longer playoffs, more television, more advertising, etc.

It's mid-April now. And the NBA Finals start in early June. You've got to be kidding me, right? Where's the sense of urgency? Speed it up, NBA Playoffs!

Regards,
Everyone

Update (18 May '09): You're still taking way too long. We originally wrote this letter on 19 April. That's basically a month ago and we're only just entering the Western and Eastern Conference finals. Jeez.

Sure, that Lakers-Rockets and Celtics-Magic series going to Game 7 was pretty exciting but c'mon. We just get exhausted thinking about yet another set of seven game series.

Let's just skip ahead to the NBA Finals! Let's just match up the Lakers and Cavaliers already - that's what Nike and Vitamin Water want anyway - and just give the NBA their ratings and their money.

You know David Stern is currently pulling the strings right now to make Lakers-Cavs happen.

For the best interest of the Association, of course. And ratings. And sponsors.

Knowledge:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/playoffs
NBA conspiracy theories.

I think these adverts are pretty awesome:

Dear Friendly Fires - "Paris" (Aeroplane Remix),

2009-05-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and we should be rejoicing!

Should be.

However, Friday - as it is wont to do - is dragging its feet. Slowly crawling to the finish line. Being a complete jerk about it. Like an old person walking in front of you on a sidewalk that is far too narrow.

Thankfully you are around, Friendly Fires! Your fantastic song "Paris" has been remixed into a wonderfully summery choon:

Thanks guys, this is sure to make this Friday move along a bit more quickly.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. Don't mind the Paris Hilton, just mind the song.

Knowledge:
http://www.last.fm/music/Friendly+Fires

Dear Guy Who Balances On The Edge,

2009-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

Who do you think you are? We guess you're kinda like a modern day Philippe Petit or something.

Here you are balancing on a bike. On a platform. A platform that is hanging over the edge of the Troll Wall in Norway. Drunk!

No, you're not drunk but you've got to have a little bit of crazy in your head to do the things you do.

We have a hard enough time riding a bike, let alone balance on it in a stationary position, on the edge of a freakin' mountain.

Listen, we get it. You can balance on stuff. You can ride your bike across a tight rope. You can do a handstand at the edge of a cliff. You balance on a chair. You have got a strong core. You don't use safety cables. You're "death-defying."

Yah, yah. It's a performance. It's art. It's a physical feat. We get it.

Whatever. We're not impressed until you balance yourself at the edge of the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

Although, we couldn't scoff at you balancing on the Burj:

"I would dream of balancing on the top of the Burj in Dubai, the tallest building in the world."
[Daily Mail]

Keep us posted and don't fall.

Better yet, just get a job. Crazy hippie.

Regards,
Everyone

To see more of Eskil Rønningsbakken doing his thing, click over to http://globalbalancing.com/

Dear Wallaby,

2009-05-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you for cutting our grass!

Thousands of miles from their native Tasmania, the wallabies help keep the garden trim and have been a big success with the family's three children.
[BBC]

Okay, okay. So it turns out that we need, like, a whole ~~herd~~ ~~pod~~ bunch of you guys to really effectively cut the grass. But why wouldn't we want a handful of you guys to keep the yard trim?

We have weighed the pros and cons:

Pro

Wallabies are awesome.
They are mini-kangaroos.
They will keep your grass trim.
If wallabies become boring, they can be made into Wallaby Burgers.

Con

You cannot train them to box humans like a kangaroo.

We think the evidence is pretty clear, Wallaby. We are going to start getting you into our gardens.

Or our grills.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Bats and Dolphins,

2009-05-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Watch out, assholes!

Recently we showed some concern about vampire bats and their marine, echo locating counterparts but soon humans will be able to play your game!

Humans probably used to rely on echolocation far more in the days before artificial lighting, when we had to find our way round in the dark. The readiness with which people learn sonar suggests to me it may be an inbuilt skill.
[New Scientist]

This Daniel Kish guy is blind but he's using a series of clicks to find his way. This is fantastic news!

Kish is the man that is going to lead the revolution against you, you creepy Bats and Dolphins. You guys thought you could enslave humans but you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Kish's tactics and training methods will certainly lead us to victory over all echolocating enemies foreign and domestic!

Daniel Kish is our real-life John Connor.

May your wings and flippers tremble with fear.

Regards,
Everyone

Seriously, though, this might have some awesome functions during times of peace between dolphins and bats and humans:

Dear Women Who Spend Lavishly,

2009-05-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

Watch out!!

Arab News, a Saudi English-language daily newspaper based in Riyadh, reported that Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."
[CNN]

Clearly, Judge Al-Razine did not read our letter to women which let them know that their menstrual cycle may be the culprit for increased impulse purchases. Otherwise, he might have been a little more understanding (probably not).

We understand how this sucks, Women Who Spend Lavishly in Saudia Arabia. Your periods are telling you to buy that Dolce & Gabbana abaya and even if it's on sale you might get slapped.

Perhaps we can offer some suggestions on how to avoid getting slapped:

Respectfully inform your husband about the fragile world economy and offer to accept only 400 riyals for a shopping spree.
Ask permission to buy more of those sexy abayas that he likes so much.
Use the money left over to buy him a new cricket bat.
Chop off his woman-hating hands.

Clearly these men are concerned that you will slap them for their inane purchases.

Regards,
Everyone

Arab News reported that Al-Razine made his remark as he was attempting to explain why incidents of domestic violence had increased in Saudi Arabia. He said that women and men shared responsibility, but added that "nobody puts even a fraction of blame" on women, the newspaper said.

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.
[CNN]
Call me crazy, but physical violence probably isn't the best way to go about "correcting" a woman's behavior. Or anyone's behavior for that matter.

Dear Old School Computers,

2009-05-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

We're glad you got the band back together to rock 'n' roll once more.

If the original version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" wasn't epic enough, your version of this classic is absolutely stunning:

Somewhere out there in a galaxy far, far away, R2-D2 is waving a lighter to this version of the song.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Honda Robo Legs,

2009-05-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy. We see what you're doing Honda Robo Legs. You're slowly encouraging the cyborgization of society. We're not saying we're not open to change but we think there are some serious issues that come up when we start to turn humans into cyborgs.

The device is designed for people who are capable of walking and maneuvering on their own, but who can benefit from additional leg and body support while performing tasks.
[Honda press release]

See, this is where the problems start, Honda Robo Legs.

First, it's Robo Legs. Then it's Robo Arms. Then it's Robo Hands. Then it's Robo Torso. Then Robo Stomach. Robo Eye. Robo Brain. Robo Heart.

Cyborg.

See what you started, Honda Robo Legs? You started the slippery slope to Cyborg.

Can you have that on your conscience?

What will do with all of the inevitable ~~Robo Issues~~ Robossues that are going to come up?

Will these Honda-enhanced Cyborgs be allowed to play sports with humans? Or will they be shunned?
Will human law enforcement have the necessary tools (laser guns, et al.) to fight back against a ~~potential~~ ~~probable~~ inevitable Cyborg revolution?
Will humans really be able to Love a Cyborg?
When is a human too Cyborg-y? At 25% Cyborg? 40% Cyborg? 50% Cyborg? 75% Cyborg?

Sure, the short term solution is to help the elderly and others with mobility issues but have you considered the long terms Robossues, Honda Robo Legs?

We sure hope so. If not, please think long and hard about the path you are about to lead humans.

We don't even know why we trusted you in the first place. This must the first of your ~~Robo Deception~~ Roboception.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Red Sox Customer Service,

2009-05-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

We would like to lodge a complaint.

On 31 July 2008, we worked out a trade between a few people for your baseball playing machine Manny Ramirez.

We are pleased to say that the Manny Ramirez worked beyond expectation in the summer and the fall. There were some issues getting the Manny Ramirez to operate properly in the winter but those issues were solved when we realized - as with a lot of baseball playing machines - we just had to put a lot of cash into the battery area to keep it running.

Apparently a lot of baseball playing machines don't run on "pride" and "the love of the game" anymore.

Unfortunately, your product broke down this spring and it appears to be from a pre-existing condition that was not disclosed to us. It seems if this Manny Ramirez baseball playing machine likes to take banned substances and now Major League Baseball won't let us use it on the playing field!

We know that your organization prides itself on putting a quality product on the field and outstanding customer service. We know you believe in turnings wrongs into rights.

Therefore, we would like to return this broken product in exchange for a product of equal or lesser value.

Kevin Youkilis will be more than acceptable or even ~~J.D. Drew~~ Jason Bay.

We believe this is a fair exchange.

We will be looking forward to your UPS return shipping label in our mail box.

Thank you for your time, consideration and understanding.

Regards,
~~Everyone~~ Los Angeles Dodgers

Steroids has become such a high-profile issue in baseball. Why would you even risk it?
Manny Ramirez has failed a drug test and has been suspended 50 games starting today, Major League Baseball confirmed.

The suspension will cost Ramirez $7.7 million, or roughly 31% of his $25-million salary. Players in violation of baseball's drug policy are not paid during suspensions.
[LA Times]
Manny says he was taking a fertility drug. Or was he taking a woman's fertility drug that kick starts your testosterone again after using steroids?

Either way, a lot of disappointment and frustration for Dodger fans who have seen their team get out to a really hot start this season.

Dear MTV The Grind,

2009-05-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ahh. We remember you with such feelings of nostalgia!

This was when cable television was still innocent. This was when the critics were saying, "A 24-hour news channel? That's ridiculous! A 24-hour sports network? Crazy talk! A channel that plays music 24-hours a day? Nonsense!"

MTV looked this critics straight in the eye and said, "Fuck you. We're playing music all day long." [Ironically, MTV barely plays music anymore].

Like a dictator drunk with power, MTV even decided they'd revive that American Bandstand and Soul Train sort of vibe with you - The Grind - and bring dance music to the masses.

The pitch probably went something like this:

Think American Bandstand meets Soul Train
Think scantily clad chicks and muscle-bound dudes dancing.
Think of them dancing around a pool to the latest dance-club hits.

Sold.

Of course, as you remember, you also spawned a bunch of workout ~~DVDs~~ tapes.

But sometimes all good things must come to an end.

And your end was quite sad.

You had to tape episodes on top of a roof in New York and due to noise ordinances, your episodes had to be taped without music. We can only imagine how the dancers had to manage in such music-less conditions.

But we still remember you with fondness. Especially when we have our nostalgia-filled MTV The Grind parties!

Regards,
Everyone

Yes, this show was that cheesy.

Dear Jean-Claude Van Damme,

2009-05-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

Listen, when you first hit the scene, you were pretty incredible. Movies like Bloodsport, Kickboxer and Lionheart may have single-handedly revived the martial arts/action movie genre.

But then came films like Double Impact (We can't suspend that much belief), Universal Soldier, Street Fighter, Timecop, Double Team (Yep, the one with Dennis Rodman), Legiona--, well, we won't continue. You probably get the point.

But then you turn around with this piece of brilliance:

Jean-Claude, you've outdone yourself! JCVD looks absolutely awesome. We can't wait to pick this up on DVD on 25 April '09.

According to the Wikipedia, writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri has drawn upon some impressive influences: Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Robert Richardson.

So, Jean-Claude, you've surprised us with a depth that runs contrary to your many direct-to-video action films. The level of self-awareness and the ability to poke fun at your career is a revelation. And let's not forget that you seem to have done some proper acting here as well!

We are impressed. Well done, sir. May we never doubt you again.

Well, unless of course you go and do something stupid like make Universal Soldier 3.

Regards,
Everyone

P.S. So, Jean-Claude, we saw this movie. And it was pretty fucking incredible. Who knew that you had so much acting ability? This is definitely a "once-in-a-career" sort of thing and you nailed it right on the head.

Would it be too much to ask for more performances like this? Probably. You did set the bar pretty high.

But we'll watch your next film (on DVD) with the satisfaction of knowing what you are capable of.

Now back to the status quo!

Crap. There IS a third Universal Soldier film coming out. Goddamn you, Van Damme!!!

Knowledge (this guy does a surprising amount of double roles):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme#Dual_roles

Dear Paul Gauguin,

2009-05-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

Why did you cut off Vincent Van Gogh's ear?

History has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man.

They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend's ear.
[Daily Mail]

Oh it turns out that you were fighting with your ol' buddy Van Gogh about a prostitute.

Are you kidding me, Gauguin? You cut off your friends ear over a prostitute?

Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

Then you ditched your buddy. Van Gogh got all bummed out and then shot himself in the chest and died two days later.

You're an asshole, Gauguin. We're going to the Getty right now and tearing some holes in your paintings.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Dimbleby & Capper,

2009-05-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks for bringing us our guilty-pleasure music for this Friday!

As you may or or may not know, Fridays generally tend to run a little bit slow for the work crowd and your tune "Beautiful But Boring" is giving us a really nice pick me up.

Everything tells us that we should hate this sort of drivel.

But we're suckers for English accents, mid-tempo dance-pop music, and vocals that remind us of cross between that chick from Everything But The Girl and Lily Allen (but less chav).

So, thanks, Dimbleby & Capper for making this Friday a bit more bearable. Now we're ready to power through the weekend.

We're looking forward to more!

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Vampire Bats,

2009-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

Dude. Can you guys stop being so creepy?

We thought you jerks flew around and chased people around and got in their hair. But here you are crawling around and being more menacing and disgusting. You creep us out more than a mustached child-molester in a molester van.

Whatever happened to the whole flying thing? Did you eliminate it to maximize your creepiness?

And lets be honest here, your name doesn't really help either.

Take one of the most feared supernatural beings of all time, the Vampire, and take one of the most disgusting creatures of all time, the Bat, and we get you: Vampire Bat.

We know what you're thinking, Vampire Bat. You think that Twilight did a pretty good public service for you.

You got much of the teenage world thinking that some vampires can be nice and these teenage ~~kids~~ girls are now thinking they can cruise right up to you and say, "What's up? Can you be my Edward Cullen?"

It's a pretty good scam but we know that the first chance you get, you'll bite 'em, suck out all their blood and leave them for dead in a ditch.

Listen, all we know is that one of the toughest guys we know is Bruce Wayne and he had to pretend to be a bat to conquer his fear of bats. That's why it's okay if we are scared of you and that's why it's okay we hate your little bat guts.

So, Vampire Bats? Stick with flying, stay away from me and go to hell.

Regards,
Everyone

Watch some more awesome videos of bats captured in super-slow motion (I'm sure there's a technical term for "super-slow motion") and be amazed:
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2009/03/19/how-to-be-a-bat-life-in-motion/

Dear PT Cruiser,

2009-04-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I hate you. And I hate that people "trick" you out.

You disgust me.

Regards,
Everyone

Don't worry folks, Chrysler isn't going anywhere. It's just reorganizing itself. But let's just hope they reorganize the ugly PT Cruiser out of its factories.

Still worried? Here's a primer by the New York Times regarding the Chrysler bankruptcy.

UPDATE: As stated in the comments below, what glorious news! It's like VPTC* Day! According to Bloomberg back in January, PT Cruiser production will end this summer!

* Victory over PT Cruisers

Dear People Who Get The Jesus License Plate,

2009-04-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

Call us old-fashioned but getting the Lord on your license plate is a bit tacky, don't you think?

It's certainly causing a little controversy in Florida:

The two new designs are Christian-themed, one featuring a cross in front a stained-glass window and the other an image of Jesus Christ in a position that most resembles him on the cross.
[Huffington Post]

If you were regular readers of this blog, you'd know how we feel about personalized license plates and such.

But this really takes the cake.

This is almost as bad as the President Obama commemorative coin.

When Florida Governor Charlie ~~Christ~~ Crist was asked about separation of church and state and he quipped, "If they don't want one they don't have to buy one."

Fair enough, Governor. All of you bible-thumpers can stop complaining about pornography and abortion and gay marriage.

If you don't want one, you don't have to have one.

As for you People Who Get The Jesus License Plate? Please go and hang your head in shame. We're all embarrassed for you.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Banks,

2009-04-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

You know that dog who gets scolded for shitting on some brand new 500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets?

The dog comes crawling back feeling really guilty. The dog is sniffling, whimpering, and begging for forgiveness.

Banks? You are that scolded dog.

And now here you are trying to make amends by giving us this guy/girl to float around near the line at the bank offering cheap smiles, marginal assistance and forced small talk.

We see what you're doing there. You're feeling guilty for making horrible decisions and crumbling and asking for bailouts, so you give us this "friendly" bit of customer service.

What a slap in the face!

We know, it's not the fault of these folks who are just doing their jobs. But be warned Banks, don't think that a little improvement in our "banking experience" is going to make us forget about what you did.

Here's a rag, Banks. Go clean yourself up.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA),

2009-04-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Wow. Did this really just happen? Did you really do this?

WASHINGTON - Veteran Republican Sen. Arlen Specter disclosed plans Tuesday to switch parties, bringing Democrats closer to the 60-vote supermajority they need to push Barack Obama's agenda through the Senate.
[MSNBC]

What the hell is going on?! Are cats playing with dogs? Are lions helping lambs cross the street? Are Jews and Palestinians deciding on a mutually agreeable two-state solution? Is the fox in the hen-house just stopping by for a quick chat instead of a quick bite? IS THE SKY FALLING?!

It's quite possible.

Well, Sen. Specter, maybe we shouldn't be so surprised. You've been gradually leaning left over the years and let's be honest here, you're a politician and you want to stay in office.

We see what you did there.

In 2004 you just barely beat your Republican challengers for your seat. And you're just paving the way to curry favor with the Democrats and get some more support for your next election in 2010.

Clever plan! We'll see if it works because the Republicans are pissed and they're out for your throat.

But in the meantime, it will be odd to see you on the other side of the aisle.

This is like seeing Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform, Johnny Unitas in a San Diego Chargers jersey, Joe Montana in a Chiefs shirt, a square peg in a round hole, Tony Stewart driving the Office Depot/Old Spice car, or a porn star in church.

We'll just have to get used to it.

Regards,
Everyone

This certainly puts a cherry on top of President Obama's first 100 days. His Senate is getting close to the 60 senators needed to beat any filibuster and his approval rating is at 61%!

Dear Vitamin Water Vending Machine,

2009-04-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, we learned that some vending machines take credit cards and we also learned some new Vitamin Water flavors.

What we discovered the other day takes the best of both worlds and puts them into one machine. That machine is you, Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

When we walked past you, we did a double-take. Our heads snapped back, wondering, "Did we just have a stroke? Are we hallucinating?" This is no dream. This is reality. Our hearts were filled with joy.

You could never let us down, Vitamin Water Vending Machine. Keep up the fantastic work.

Regards,
Everyone

Some people like to play those "Desert Island..." games. Like, what are the Top 5 foods you'd have on a desert island or what hot babes/dudes would you want to have on the island or the Top 5 albums you'd take to a desert island.

But I've got a new spin on this game: What are your Top 3 Desert Island Vending Machines?

3. M&M vending machine.
2. A beer vending machine.
1. And, of course, the Vitamin Water Vending Machine.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear White Stripes Kittens,

2009-04-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

We forgot about you. And we can't believe we forgot about you guys. But we found you again. And all is well in the world.

Take two things:

The fantastic garage-rock song "Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes.
Your kitten band.

Animate you guys so you'll play drums and guitar with your paws and we get an explosion of cuteness the likes of which we haven't seen since Kittenwar.com!

Click here to see this incredible music video.

Keep rocking the free world.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Good Ballpoint Pens,

2009-04-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Humans are forever lamenting the fact that they can't find a "good pen" these days. Where have you gone, Good Ballpoint Pens? We try out different pens, we go to different office supply stores, sometimes we even go with the free ones our bank gives us 'cause we signed up for free-checking!

But, alas, none are good enough and the struggle continues.

The frustrating part is that we know you're out there, Good Ballpoint Pens. We know because there are others who don't complain about their pens at all. They seem to be happy with their Ballpoint Pens.

They are happy with their smudgeless checks, evenly spread ink on notebook paper, and birthday card notes that don't have letters scratched in a few times because the ink won't work on the high-gloss paper.

Listen, we'd all love to have a Montblanc pen but we're looking for good working-class sort of pens. An everyday pen. A Good Ballpoint Pen.

And after many months of searching, we think we've found some fine candidates! Here are our Top 3 "Good Ballpoint Pens":

3. Uni-Ball Vision: A steady and even distribution of ink keeps us reaching for this pen again and again. As with all capped pens, be sure to place the cap at the end of the pen to keep the pen balanced nicely while you write.

2. Uni-Ball Deluxe: This classic and classy looking gold barrel pen is fantastic! The 0.5mm micro-point version (you can find them in a dark-gray barrel) is a bit too tiny for our tastes and the ink does not seem to distribute as well especially when the ink starts to run out. However, from start to finish, the 0.7mm point in the gold barrel certainly provides an excellent distribution of ink on almost any writing surface!

1. Zebra Sarasa: This pen certainly surprised us when it was handed to us at the bank. So taken aback at the quality, we made at least two praise-filled comments to the teller and she kindly offered to let us keep it. The comfortable rubber grip, an excellent blend of water-based pigment gel ink, the convenience of the retractable point, are all qualities that makes this an absolutely wonderful instrument of writing. How does it write? Like a dream. The navy blue color is very dark, the distribution of ink is thick but very even and it dries quickly for smooth, quick and efficient writing.

As might notice, Good Ballpoint Pens, we certainly like the 0.7mm version of you. While we're fine with the compact efficiency of 0.5mm pens and its ability to write in small spaces, we prefer the 0.7mm and its thicker, smoother and more even distribution of ink to quickly write our impassioned love notes, our fervent manifestos, and our stern ransom letters.

We finally found you, Good Ballpoint Pen. Now it's time to buy you in bulk.

Regards,
Everyone

What are some of your favorite ballpoint pens? We're talking, like, consumer-model pens. Not ultra-nice, expensive, executive-model pens.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Pig,

2009-04-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there's the regular flu. There's "flu" that we get when we want to ditch work to see an mid-afternoon baseball game. There's the bird flu. And now there's swine flu?

For decades we've been taught to love our curly-tailed friends! We've been taught to respect you and care about you, Pig. We all ~~read~~ saw you do amazing things in Babe. And we all ~~saw~~ read about your amazing accomplishments in Charlotte's Web. You are quite an inspirational and intelligent creature!

But now we are growing to fear you!

WASHINGTON - The world’s governments raced to avoid both a pandemic and global hysteria Sunday as more possible swine flu cases surfaced from Canada to New Zealand and the United States declared a public health emergency.
[MSNBC]

We had to declare a health emergency because of you, you goddamn Pig! Unbelievable! This sort of hogwash isn't supposed to happen here.

Swine Flu is transmitted if a human touches you. We're not touching any of you for a very long time. But someone has. Some - ~~shockingly~~ not-surprisingly - are students! What the hell are students doing touching you on Spring Break trips in Mexico?!

Canada became the third country to confirm cases, in six people, including some students who — like some New York City spring-breakers — got mildly ill in Mexico.
[MSNBC]

We're not sure what is worse: You Pigs not getting their flu shots every season or these stupid humans handling you Pigs when they should be enjoying foam parties in Cancún.

So, Pig, if you know what's good for you, you'll steer clear from us. We're looking forward to a great summer and not a summer in bed fighting off the Swine Flu.

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

No, really. We're not kidding. Cut it out.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swine_influenza

I hope we can still eat pigs because I had a great BLT last night.

Dear Leeroy Jenkins,

2009-04-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. It has been a long week. And as usual, Friday has been dragging its feet.

So, that's where you come in, Leeroy Jenkins!

Hahahahaha. Oh boy, that really hit the spot. Thanks, Leeroy. Now can you possibly get Friday to hurry the fuck up?

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leeroy_Jenkins

Dear Baby Shaker iPhone App,

2009-04-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Recently Apple apologized and pulled you from their virtual shelves:

CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Apple Inc. is apologizing for allowing a 99-cent iPhone game called "Baby Shaker" that let a player quiet a virtual crying infant by shaking the device.
[AP]

The argument against you - of course - has been from horrified parents and advocates against the abuse of children. They're pointing fingers at you, Baby Shaker iPhone App and claiming that you are setting a bad example.

Right. This game is setting a bad example. We want to shake babies until they die. Just like how watching drugs, rapes, murders, and Nazis on television makes us want to use hard drugs, rape women, murder grandparents, and Nazi around the town.

But do not despair, Baby Shaker iPhone App! We urge you to carry on! Our fear is that without you people will be shaking their babies to death!

You provided a service. Frustrated parents and caregivers could have just violently shaken an iPhone instead of a baby. Their frustrations could have been released on a picture that looks like a Gerber baby sketch instead of a real baby.

According to some sources, 480 babies die each year because someone shook them instead of an iPhone.

We can save those lives.

Come back to us, Baby Shaker App. And come back with a new marketing slogan: Shake an iPhone, Not A Baby.

Regards,
Everyone

Is this game in bad taste? Probably. But c'mon, lighten up people.

Dear thenewno2

2009-04-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

Allow me to quickly chart the progression of a full-fledged Beatles obsession:

You start casually enough by slowly accumulating and purchasing all The Beatles records.
Then you realize that songs like "Hey Jude" and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" were just singles and not on the official UK album releases so you buy the Past Masters series.
Naturally you progress to wondering about the recording process so you buy all three Anthology sets (in addition to the documentary, of course).
You get pretty disappointed about the break-up of The Beatles and wax poetic about Abbey Road and buy into all that mumbo-jumbo about how the love you make is equal to the love you take, so you decide to go with the solo records.
After practically memorizing all the Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and, yes, even the Ringo solo records, you're thirsting for more.
That's when the obsession reaches its lowest point: buying the records of the Beatles children.

Now we're sitting here thinking, boy, we got burned by Julian and Sean Lennon. We've heard some of James McCartney's work on his dad's records but nothing from his solo stuff. And Zak Starkey remains just a hair out of the spotlight while he does some amazing drum work for The Who and Oasis.

And that brings us to you, thenewno2.

Thankfully we're not disappointed one bit! You offer a level of creativity and musicianship that has been lacking in the records from other Beatle-Children. In fact, the music stands up alone quite well.

There's a little Radiohead in there, there's some Pink Floyd, a little rock 'n' roll, some nice synth work. There's a nice dreamy quality to the production.

We're looking forward to more of your work!

Regards,
Everyone

Knowlege:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thenewno2

And let's be honest here, we actually like Julian Lennon and Sean Lennon stuff too. No matter how cheesey (Jules) or too-artsy (Sean) it can be.

Dear Fucking Hipster,

2009-04-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

Did you see that web site dedicated to your hipster-ness? It's called "Look at this fucking hipster" and it's pretty much like The Sartorialist of the hipster world.

We found this to pretty amusing because we like making fun of you, you Fucking Hipster.

We hate your ironic sunglasses, your silly shirts with even sillier slogans, skinny jeans, hipster belts, pointed shoes, fancy coats, stupid scarves, and stupid vintage outfits that would've gotten you beat up in 1976, 1986, 1996 and in 2006.

But who knows how this crazy Hipster Code works? For all we know, this Hipster web site may actually be praising Hipsters for their Hipster behavior! Their Hiphavior, if you will.

Maybe Hipsters are like, "Boy, I hope I get photographed and posted on this site." Maybe this is some crazy Cobra Snake thing!

In making fun of the Hipster we may simply be glorifying the Hipster.

Make fun of them? That means they're even more Hipster.
Don't make fun of them? That gives them the coveted SHS: Smug Hipster Satisfaction.

It appears as if we can never win with these Hipsters.

Now, one wonders if it actually takes a Hipster to know a Hipster...

Holy shit. By taking pleasure in "Look at this fucking hipster" are we Hipsters? Hipsters in denial? Closet Hipsters?

Fuck.

Regards,
Everyone

There's a good chance you might be a Hipster and you didn't even know! If you don't care that you're a Hipster. Well, your chances of being a Hipster just increased.

~~Knowledge~~ knwldg (i don't think Hipsters use vowels):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hipster_(contemporary_subculture)

Thanks to Shira and Keriann for sending me the link!

Dear Paula Deen,

2009-04-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

As food writer and television host Nigella Lawson so sensually put it: The purpose of food is not to impress, but to give pleasure.

Paula, your food does neither. Are you trying to impress us with macaroni and cheese, wrapped in bacon, breaded and deep fried? Do you think that that concoction is pleasurable?

Or a hamburger, with a fried egg, a slice of bacon and glazed doughnuts instead of a bun? Who are you trying to fool?

More importantly, who are you trying to kill?

In your annoying Savannah drawl, you laugh about how much butter goes into every dish of yours, including your spaghetti sauce.

Butter is good. Deep frying frozen balls of it is not.

It amazes us that you have made millions, fooling people into thinking that your food is good Southern food.

If we're going to clog our arteries, we want to enjoy it.

Your smile, your laugh and your food disgust us.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog about delicious foods and wonderful restaurants at Staten Eats.

Ed. Note:

Listen to Paula's obnoxious voice and watch her craft one of her crazy culinary concoctions:

On the other end of the spectrum, listen to Nigella Lawson's deliciously English voice on NPR here.

Hungry yet?

Dear Octopus Technology,

2009-04-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's pretty clear that we've been waiting a long time for you to make your debut into the world:

This is pretty amazing. Using you, Octopus Technology, we can make robots that can squeeze into the nooks and crannies of the ocean floor.

But what other Cephalopod Creations can we conjure up?

We can think of a some:

Octopus Hand: We would easily replace our own lame and inferior human hands with Octopus Hands. These would be hands that can grab the loose change in between the car seats or the remote control that fell behind the couch.
Octopus Foot: Our useless and worthless human feet could be replaced with stupendous Octopus Technology to climb walls and hang from ceiling fans.
Pet Robot Octopus: Why not? Enjoy the fun of a Pet Octopus ~~walking~~ ~~crawling~~ ~~slithering~~ octopus-ing across the floor and bringing you beers but without the 500-gallon aquarium. And without the embarrassing (and inevitable) "Holy-fuck-I've-got-a-REAL-LIVE-Octopus-on-my-goddamn-face" 911 call.
Octopus Mobile Phone: No more "Oh Shit" moments where your phone gets dropped, stepped on, kicked, run over by cars. With this Octopus Technology, your phone would be virtually indestructible.

Thanks for all that you can offer us, Octopus Technology. We have certainly come a long way from putting suction cups on everything and throwing a gel-like octopus on the wall and watch it tumble down.

We're looking forward to vastly improving our sad, Octopus-Technology-less lives.

Regards,
Everyone

The robot octopus submarine is only the beginning!

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

2009-04-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

You're a douche bag.

You know that, right?

With the baseball season in full-swing, we felt like we needed to remind you of your douche-ness.

It's more than just the ~~alleged steroid use~~ cheating. It's more than just the cheating on your wife (with freakin' Madonna). And it's more than just the lack of timely hits in the playoffs.

It's doing things like a magazine spread with Details kissing yourself in the mirror.

It's saying things like:

When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.
[SI.com]

You're the like the hot girl or guy who knows they are hot. And that just makes you, well, not as hot.

It's being a little bitch and yelling at a Blue Jay infielder when you're running the bases.

"I just said, 'Hah!' That's it," Rodriguez said. "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
[ESPN]

Are you kidding me? You're the highest paid baseball player in the game. You are quite possibly the best baseball player we have ever seen. And you're resorting to the ol' "Ahhh" trick? We're pretty sure we haven't done that since we were 10-years-old.

It's all this and more which makes this satire article almost believable!

Rodriguez immediately embraced the idea of being the first professional athlete to trade (presumably as AROD) on a major stock exchange.
[The Sportsman's Daily]

Nobody is jealous because you are good looking or because you're such an awesome player or because you're paid so much or because you're on the Yankees.

Everybody hates you because you're just a douche bag. And you do douchey things. Plain and simple.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Rodriguez

Dear Amazon Kindle,

2009-04-21T09:22:00.001-07:00

Why do you get so much media coverage? Why have you had 300,000 sales? Who is buying you? Where are these people? Why hasn't anyone seen them? Are they using you in shame, in a seedy motel room with nothing but their socks on?

Are you heavy to hold? I've never even picked you up.

Are you like the laser disc? An early adopter fad that anyone in their right mind knows is completely worthless? Will there be an Amazon Kindle in a museum someday?

If someone were to publish a book and it were to go straight to Kindle, would that be like a movie skipping the theaters and going straight to DVD?

So many unanswered questions, Amazon Kindle. Write me back.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by K. Baynes

Ed. Note:

Apparently a lot of people are going to buy the Kindle 2:
Amazon expects to sell 800,000 or so of the Kindle 2 devices in 2009, or double the volume of the first generation device.
[Washington Post]
So, I guess if you have some money to burn...

Dear Stoners,

2009-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

We get it. It's 420. Marijuana should be legalized. Your hand-blown glass bong is the shit. You've named your pipe. You've got a pot-leaf sticker on the back of your car. You have twelve Bob Marley t-shirts. Watching Harry Potter (*giggle*) is better high. Hell, everything is better high!

Get a job, you freakin' hippie.

Now where did we put that pipe?

Regards,
Everyone

Woah, it's Knowledge, maaaan:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/420_(cannabis_culture)

Dear David Lee Roth,

2009-04-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Even after all this time your isolated vocal track for "Runnin' With The Devil" is still hilarious!

When we give this a listen we are thinking a few things:

How hilarious were you in the studio when you were doing this track? We're thinking ~~pretty~~ super hilarious.
Your squeals and grunts make us feel awesome, then uncomfortable, and then awesome again.
You are quite possibly the best vocalist of our generation. Hands down.

Let's be honest here, Sammy Hagar never really did it for us. When we think Van Halen we think Diamond David Lee Roth. So, thank you for your voice, Diamond Dave. It should be in a museum!

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
Where is ol' Diamond Dave now?

Dear Bucket,

2009-04-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

You are an amazing alternative unit of measurement. Better than all those other silly ones.

A lot of kittens? Lame.
A boatload cocaine? Way too much.
A fuck-ton of ice cream? Stupid.
A pile of money? C'mon. Really?

But imagine if it was bucket of kittens? Cocaine? Ice cream? And money?

Listen, a fuck-ton of ice cream would be absolutely wonderful but it's not useful at all! It's just hyperbole.

We get it. "Fuck-ton" or "pile" or "boatload" does indeed get the point across. But it's not as useful in every day life. But with you, Bucket, you get a true idea of how much awesomeness you have.

You can't really go wrong with using you to quantify something. In many ways, you are like Baby Bear's porridge: Just right.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Homeless Guy Who Hangs Out At The End Of The Drive-Thru,

2009-04-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

You know what I want when I’m driving away from McDonald’s with a lap full of piping hot fries, big macs, and a large coke with a suspect lid job? You, jumping in front of my car like the Meesta Meesta lady in “Happy Gilmore,” demanding my change.

First of all, I haven’t used cash at a drive thru since 2006.

Second, I go out of my way to avoid you so much that I’ve almost caused two accidents. If that should ever happen, so help me Ronald McDonald I’m going to go Navy SEAL on your ass.

Now, the first hobo to think of the drive thru ambush was a genius.

I bet he won medals or something for laying some baller traps on the Viet Cong right before he lost his mind. You and your hobuds probably saw this visionary working his magic outside a Taco Bell and, like the spread offense and mockumentaries, you had to copy it until it just seemed lazy.

All of you are hobo hacks.

Hobacks, if you will.

And that’s why you’re not getting these seventeen cents. Yeah, I lied to you about the cash part. Now shut it while I roll up this window.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This letter submitted by Woody Tondorf. Twits can follow him here and the literate can read his blog!

Knowledge:
Learn about Hobo Ethics. Hobethics, if you will.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobo#Hobo_ethical_code

Dear The Republic Tigers,

2009-04-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

You're not playing Coachella but, well, you should be.

You've got a vibe that gives off that epic Arcade Fire-ish vibe with a bit more groove to it. As a friend put it: "It's sorta like Arcade Fire with some swing."

Okay, so that floor tom for the lead singer? That's a bit too "hipster-indie" for our tastes but we can roll with it as long as you keep our heads bobbing up and down to the beat.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Republic_Tigers

Dear In-N-Out Bible Verses,

2009-04-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

To most people familiar with the always-incredible In-N-Out burgers they know about you, In-N-Out Bible Verses.

But those people simply chalk it up to some religious psychosis and that's probably correct. Although, to your credit, you're not as crazy as those Chik-fil-A folks.

But we think there's something more to you, In-N-Out Bible Verses. We think you're saying that eating In-N-Out is truly a religious experience. As if you needed any help there!

Let's examine this a bit here:

On your cheeseburgers you have Revelation 3:20

"Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me."
[NRSV]

Ahh. What a delicious verse! Imagine having In-N-Out at your door (instead of the apocalypse).

On your soda cups is the trite John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life."
[NRSV]

Correct us if we're wrong, but we think you're saying that your soda is like Jesus Christ. And both may or may not give you eternal life.

We already know that soda is bad for you and leads to all sorts of health issues that can make you die an untimely death.

As for Christ? Well, there's that whole faith thing we're supposed to have. But no word on eternal life.

C'mon, Jesus. The ball is in your court.

Now some milkshakes (it means blowjob, right?) allegedly brings boys to the yard while the In-N-Out milkshake cup brings you Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight."
[NRSV]

We get it! Trust in this milkshake as you would the Lord. Sometimes you just have to give yourself up to the Lord or a Neapolitan milkshake. Sometimes drinking ~~liquid acid~~ a milkshake REALLY fast can make you see the Lord.

Wait, there's more! Your Double-Double (Mmm. Double-Double) wrapper has Nahum 1:7 (this book actually exists, it's between Micah and Habakkuk)

"The LORD is good, a stronghold in a day of trouble; he protects those who take refuge in him,"
[NRSV]

We are led to believe that a Double-Double - much like the Lord - is good in a day of ~~trouble~~ double-trouble. Some people are emotional eaters. It happens. Sometimes you get a 5x5 and you eat all of it on a dare. It happens.

So, there you have it In-N-Out Bible Verses!

Much like a History Channel program or a pseudo-intellectual Dan Brown novel, we have deciphered your code.

But let's be honest here, you don't really need the Lord to help you sell your food.

Just sayin'

Regards,
Everyone

I'll bet you want In-N-Out right now. I know I do.

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In-N-Out_Burger#Bible_references

N.B. Bible verse photos taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS (except for Nahum 1:7 and the food).

Dear Cow Compass,

2009-04-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is truly exciting news.

If we're ever lost in the English countryside or in the middle of Iowa, we can use you as a compass!

We demonstrate by means of simple, noninvasive methods (analysis of satellite images, field observations, and measuring “deer beds” in snow) that domestic cattle (n = 8,510 in 308 pastures) across the globe, and grazing and resting red and roe deer (n = 2,974 at 241 localities), align their body axes in roughly a north–south direction.
[PNAS]

We are certainly waiting for the day when cows can be miniaturized and then used as a compass instead of some sort of silly needle pointing towards an N. And screw you North Star. We can never see you in big cities anyway. And we certainly can't tell which star is which if we're in a desert. Brightest one? Lies.

Anyway, imagine that: a Miniature Cow Compass.

You have a friend and a sense of direction! Thanks, Cow Compass, for showing us the way.

Regards,
Everyone

When I was a kid I wanted to be cartographer and the compass rose was my favorite part of the map. And the legend, of course.

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compass_rose

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

2009-04-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Listen, we get it. We gotta pay up and you gotta enforce payment.

But your scare tactics aren't going to phase me.

Look at your logo:

Let's just say it sorta reminds us of another logo:

C'mon IRS, you think your Gestapo tactics are going to freak us out and get us to pay our taxes earlier?

We know you've been strong-arming organizations such as TurboTax to start sending us threatening e-mails to remind me about the deadline (15 April). Using lies like "Get your refund earlier!" or "Deadline coming soon!" and even threats like "Time is running out!"

The nerve.

Forget about it. You don't scare us. We're going right up to the wire.

We're digging out our carelessly placed W-2s on the 14th. We're dusting off that box of receipts and making deduction-piles on the floor. We're calling up our Shady Tax Guy to make up some deductions ("Of course I donated $500.00 to that charity!"). We're going to find that Post Office that's open until midnight. We're going to roll the dice and not mail our taxes with Certified Mail.

We're doing this because you don't scare us IRS. And this is goddamn America. Not Naziland.

This is the American way to do taxes.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Abstract Film Posters,

2009-04-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

Um, why are you so effing cool?

There isn't much more to say except that you are awesome. And thanks for wasting our day as we dig through your archives.

Regards,
Everyone

Take your browser and point it to http://www.filmtheblanks.com/ and get your thinking caps on. Some of 'em are pretty obvious while others are more difficult.

Dear Personalized License Plate,

2009-04-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

How can can I take you or the driver of your motor vehicle with any degree of seriousness?

We get it. You have a grandson who loves you. You survived cancer. You have a God-fearing family. You love the [insert sports team here]. You really like Styx. You're a dentist/lawyer/cowboy/pimp.

You are aware that the cost of your license plate is included in your registration fees, right? I'm sure you are aware that you don't have to pay extra for a nice license plate number like: 4QTN917

But, yet, here you are purchasing a personalized license plate. Why? It's almost as worthless as putting a spoiler on a Toyota Corolla.

H8T 2 W8? I'd hate to wait any longer before I take a sledgehammer to your license plate.

And MOLTARR? I'd like to tar and feather this vanity plate.

Personalized plates don't impress anyone. Please remove and throw away into hobo fireplaces.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moltar

Ed. Note: We get it. You were drunk and feeling self-righteous when you bought that hybrid vehicle. Or you were drunk when you got that personalized plate. Either way, you're a drunk.

Photo submitted by TCFS

Ed. Note: 'Won Big' then. Lost dignity now.

Photo submitted by TCFS

Click below to see even MORE shitty personalized license plates and submit your pictures to me at regardseveryone at gmail dot com

Personalized License Plate

N.B. Photos taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS unless indicated otherwise.

Dear TV On The Radio,

2009-04-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

Many people have tried and failed at covering David Bowie's classic song: "Heroes."

But you, TV On The Radio, have done a pretty stellar job at offering a new, groove-tastic, ass-shaking twist on the song but still retaining the epic qualities of the original:

Thanks for showing the world on how to do a proper cover without destroying the original song.

Oh, and you did the song for charity. That's not so bad either.

Regards,
Everyone

This album has a great track list:

Oh, and when are David Bowie and Coachella going to get together?

Dear Dolphins Who Blow Rings,

2009-04-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

We are all worried.

We don't know what plans you have for yourselves and the world but it's really only a matter of time before you take over the world with your creepy language and your superior intelligence and learning skills.

First there's bubble rings that you can manipulate with your snout and then what? Seashell-Bombs to kill all humans?!

Not surprisingly, The Onion broke the story of dolphins and their opposable thumbs back in 2000:

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.
[The Onion // 30 Aug 2000]

First it's thumbs and then what? Some sort of water-helmet device that allows you to breathe out of water and enslave humans?!

Listen, Dolphins Who Blow Rings, with Barack Obama in the White House bringing Republicans and Democrats together, we feel as if President Obama can bring Dolphins and Humans together. We can truly coexist in peace and happiness.

Please have mercy on us.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Röyksopp,

2009-04-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Remember your "Remind Me" music video is pretty ~~fascinating~~ ~~incredible~~ fascinating?

We love the simple isometric visual style and all the infographics that remind us of ~~USA Today~~ old elementary science and social-studies text books.

"Remind Me" also reminds me that you just released a fantastic new record: Junior. I can't wait for the mellow counterpart that's coming this Fall: Senior.

"Vision One" off the latest record is a pretty stellar song:

Y'know, Röyksopp, many of your fans may have cringed from the over-exposure of your music especially in that Geico commercial. And to some your sophomore record, The Understanding, was a bit lackluster especially following your let's-put-this-on-repeat debut album. But this latest record is certainly a return to form! Upbeat grooves, chill synths, sparse, crisp production.

The latest record is clean and efficient. Just like what we've come to know and love from the Scandinavian region.

Keep it coming, Röyksopp!

Regards,
Everyone

Tomas Nilsson - a design student at Sweden’s Linköping University - has created a video in a very similar style as the "Remind Me" video and it is equally as captivating:

Dear Steven Segal,

2009-04-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

Where are you? We see that your Twitter hasn't been updated in ages.

You have gone missing. Or have you been sent on some secret mission by the United States government?

We know you can't really say but when seemingly ordinary Americans transporting food to Africa suddenly rise up to fight back ruthless Somalian pirates gives cause for our collective eyebrow to rise.

[T]he 20-member crew -- which was unarmed, according to the ship's owner -- managed to overpower the pirates and regain control, according to U.S. officials.
[LA Times]

Unarmed crew members? Overpowering ~~swashbuckling~~ AK-47-buckling pirates?

Let's be honest here, Steve. Those lily-livered bleeding-heart liberals taking food to Africa aren't going to be the ones fighting off those pirates. There has to be an X-Factor. A SEGAL-FACTOR.

So, our collective hat is off to you, sir. Thanks for saving Americans from pirates.

Regards,
Everyone

Chuck Norris, you've had your day in the sun. It's Segal Time.

Dear Coolio,

2009-04-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes mid-90s nostalgia hits you like a ton of bricks and inevitably the Coolio record comes out and we long for the days when MTV actually played music videos and when music videos were actually good.

Just like your fantastic funk-revival masterpiece "Fantastic Voyage" over here:

Nostalgia always leads way to the inevitable question of, "Where are they now?" And a quick search on Wikipedia reveals a sad, sad incident that happened very recently:

The hip-hop star was performing at Staffordshire University's Students' Union on Wednesday (25 Feb 09) night, when he decided to leap into the crowd.

But the audience parted, sending the star crashing to the floor. The students them reportedly mobbed the rapper, stealing his bandana, jewellery and shoes before the star was rescued by the venue's security team.
[ContactMusic.com]

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Coolio!

They took your rings, they took your rolex, damn, what's next? Possibly your dignity. What a shame. You do not deserve this fate, Coolio.

You will be in our nostalgic hearts. Always.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolio

I know, I know, that "... damn, what's next" line is from Warren G's classic, "Regulate."

Dear Baseball Movies,

2009-04-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

With baseball season underway, it's time to reflect on you, Baseball Movies.

Here are the Top 3 Best Baseball Movies:

3. A League Of Their Own: Because there's no crying in baseball.

2. Bull Durham: You been in the show man?

1. Field Of Dreams: Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa.

No other sports movie can evoke waves of nostalgia like you, Baseball Movies. You certainly warm my heart. You are as American as apple pie. And we sure like apple pie (it's better than Apple's lies).

Thanks, Baseball Movies.

Regards,
Everyone

Yahyah, I missed Major League and The Natural and Angels In The Outfield. Even Rookie Of The Year and The Sandlot didn't crack the Top 3. Sometimes you gotta choose between your children and it's never easy.

My future vacation spot:

Dear Grilling Season,

2009-04-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

For months, we have driven home from work as the sun was setting and prepared dinner in our kitchens. We pan-fried steaks, roasted whole chickens, braised short ribs and poached salmon. We also made soups, stews and side dishes of roasted root vegetables.

And we enjoyed them all inside, awaiting your return.

Now you are back, and we are ready to open the valves on our propane tanks or fill our chimney starters with charcoal. We cannot wait to grill steaks, London broil, marinated chicken breasts, Italian sausage, salmon, mahi mahi, lamb chops and butterflied legs of lamb.

We might even stick a can of beer in the cavity of a chicken and roast it on the grill!

Oh yeah, maybe we'll also grill hot dogs and hamburgers.

Grilling Season, we missed you. It's about time you returned.

Regards,
Everyone

Ed. Note: I will certainly be making one of these Beer Can Chickens this summer!

N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.

Dear Baseball Opening Day,

2009-04-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

After a long cold winter you are finally here!

There will be peanuts and Cracker Jack and not caring whether I get back or not because I'll be root, root, rooting for the Dodgers and if they don't win it's a shame.

Sure, Baseball, you've broken our hearts with strikes and steroids. Sure, you've got a long season and your games are slow, but deep down in our hearts, we love you. We love the statistics, the meandering pace, the history, the lore, the chess match on the field. We love the fact that a hitter who is only successful 30% of time can be in the Hall of Fame. We love it all.

You're our constant:

You should be a national holiday and everyone should get a day off.

Regards,
Everyone

Let's go Dodgers!!!

Dear Giant Catfish,

2009-04-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

"Giant" is an understatement! YOU ARE ~~MASSIVE~~ ~~EPIC~~ ~~ASTRONOMIC~~ DINOSAURIC!!

But remember when that guy caught you back in the day?

I remember.

That bit of nostalgia got us thinking, imagine how long it took you to get to 646-pounds! Imagine what incredible stories you have from the murky waters of Thailand! Were you in the war? How many medals did you get? How many humans have you eaten?

Anyway, you're endangered but you probably fed a family and their extended family for weeks on end.

It happens, Giant Catfish. Way to take one for the team.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear (Western Christian) God,

2009-04-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is what we're talking about, God. None of this Ash bullshit!

This is Palm Sunday time!

This was the day Jesus cruises into Jerusalem and pretty much says, "How do you like Me now?" And everyone is hollering at Him and being, like, "You rock, Jesus!"

Then He swings by the Temple and was, like, "What the fuck? Not in My house! And certainly not in My Father's house!" and drives out all those money-changers and other assholes who were buying and selling in the house of the Lord.

We'd like to think He used some sick MMA-moves to kick their asses.

Point is, Palm Sunday is pretty effin' cool. You also get cooler prizes from church like a palm frond shaped like cross. OR A SWORD.

Regards,
Everyone

Don't remember that story? Go to Sunday School you heathen.

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palm_Sunday

See? It looks like a sword, right?

Dear Martin Luther King, Jr.,

2009-04-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Even though we still have your pictures, your words, and your speeches, it would still be awfully nice if we still had your voice of reason in this crazy ol' world today.

Rest in peace.

Regards,
Everyone

Photos from the aftermath of Dr. King's murder were just released by LIFE Magazine:
ATLANTA – Almost 41 years to the day after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, newly published photographs of the aftermath of his shooting at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn., are on a magazine's [LIFE Magazine] Web site.
[AP]
Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Luther_King_Jr.

Dear Belaire,

2009-04-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

You make a late-Friday afternoon that much more tolerable with your bright, upbeat tunes and dreamy vocals. But to call you "just another synthpop band from Austin, TX" would be an injustice! There is certainly quality here.

Are you too hipster for us? Probably. Is your music a little too twee our tastes? Most likely.

But we cannot deny that (a) it's Friday and (b) your music has been on repeat.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://www.myspace.com/belaire
http://www.last.fm/music/Belaire

Dear Amazing Freestyle Rapper,

2009-04-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

A few days we wrote a letter to Bag Raiders about their amazing song, "Shooting Stars."

Today we discovered you.

We discovered that you, Mr. Amazing Freestyle Rapper, decided to freestyle your own lyrics over the instrumental version of "Shooting Stars." Needless to say, your version is absolutely awesome:

Let us point out a few things we love about you and your video:

You put your video in the "Sciene & Technology" category.
The only tags in your video are SPEED, RACER and SEX.
You have another video called "MY SPACESHIPS" (see below for 40 seconds of incredible-ness) featuring your Mercedes-Benz.
You are a UFO: a Unique Fly Object.
And so much more.

You've certainly got our "sex drive on ~~coke~~ Go Speed."

Regards,
Everyone

What is your favorite line? I know, I know. There are so many to choose from...

Please subscribe to his videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/ABU777ALI

"MY SPACESHIPS"

Dear Nut Processors,

2009-04-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, assholes. Get with the program!

FRESNO, Calif. - Federal food officials are warning Americans not to eat any food containing pistachios because of possible contamination by salmonella, in another food scare sure to rattle consumers already upset by the contamination of peanuts with the same bacteria.
[MSNBC]

What does this mean for everyones childhood favorite: pistachio ice cream? What about the amazing pistachio cake? Or the always-popular pistachio pie? Nut Processors, you've ruined all these delicious delicacies.

But think about this, Nut Processors, maybe the United States government is trying to fight terrorism at the expense of American pistachio farmers. After all, Iran does produce a lot of pistachios.

The biggest fear, of course, is if sunflower seeds have salmonella. That would certainly be disastrous especially with the baseball season coming up.

Regards,
Everyone

~~Knowledge~~ Awesome Knowledge:
Bulk container shipments of pistachio nuts are prone to self heating and spontaneous combustion because of their high fat and low water content.
[Wiki]

Dear Original Nintendo,

2009-04-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

There's Super Nintendo, N64, XBOX, PlayStation, the Sega Genesis, and the Atari but my heart always comes back to you, Original Nintendo.

Today, your games are frustrating and tedious, it takes 20 minutes to even get a cartridge working right, and your controllers are way too small for my hands but they evoke a feeling of nostalgia and joy that carbon-based humans cannot recreate.

My Top 3 Super-Childhood-Nostalgia-Memory NES Games:

3. Nintendo Ice Hockey
2. Tecmo Baseball (I know, I know. Everyone romanticizes Tecmo Bowl and Bo Jackson but it was baseball for me)
1. Super Mario Bros. 2

All incredible games. All better than all those other silly games out there.

Regards,
Everyone

What were your favorite original Nintendo games?

Super Mario Bros. 2 had the best theme song too and it's re-created beautifully here:

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Alberta Cross,

2009-04-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

You take a nouveau-Neil Young style and bring it together with a grittier Band of Horses vibe to create a rock 'n' roll sound that is very pleasant to our ears:

Please continue making more great music like this. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone

Please beg, borrow, steal or buy their EP. They have a new album coming out in the next couple months too.

Watch their "Hard Breaks" video here. It's another fantastic song. And they're playing Coachella this year too.

Dear Green Death Soccer Coach,

2009-04-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

We're on your side.

We get it. You were being funny. You were down with a little satire, a little exaggeration. The fact that you had to resign is a complete and utter travesty!

How could they have a problem with your inspiring and encouraging and obviously tongue-in-cheek e-mail? Here are some highlights:

The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them.
The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival...
I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.
Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

All we see here, Green Death Soccer Coach, is you trying to empower these girls, giving them confidence and make them stronger.

And ultimately, these e-mails were going to the parents! Not the 6- or 7-year-old soccer munchkins themselves.

So those parents who complained? They are sad, humorless squares who probably complained about Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson when that "wardrobe malfunction" happened. Insane! How could these parents take your e-mail seriously? Unbelievable.

Your resignation letter states that you "do not apologize" for your actions.

And you never should.

We get it. And we're with you man!

GO GREEN DEATH!

Regards,
Everyone

Dear Women Who Love To Shop,

2009-03-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

It's probably your periods:

Women may be able to blame impulse buys and extravagant shopping on their time of the month, research suggests.

In the 10 days before their periods began women were more likely to go on a spending spree, a study found.
[BBC News]

Listen, Women Who Love To Shop, you might think it's bullshit. But last time we checked, if the BBC reports it, it's probably true.

Men are probably wishing they had an excuse for their impulse buys.

Regards,
Everyone

The funniest part of that BBC News article is that the caption underneath the picture of Carrie Bradshaw says: Sex and the City character Carrie Bradshaw loves to shop.

And that's it. See what they did there?

Dear Bag Raiders,

2009-03-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

In spite of your funny name, you have a pretty awesome song called "Shooting Stars." Sure, I heard it while shopping at Urban Outfitters. Sure, it was probably a cheap marketing ploy to pimp your show in Los Angeles.

But it sure stuck in my head:

There seems to be a lot of great electronic music coming out Australia these days like Empire of the Sun, Cut Copy and The Presets. I'll have to add you guys to the list, Bag Raiders.

Regards,
Everyone

Like what you hear and want some more?

Listen to "Turbo Love" for their best impression of Daft Punk. Also give "Fun Punch" a listen and watch the fantastic Power-Rangers-inspired music video!

Dear iTunes Variable Pricing,

2009-03-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

You are inevitable:

The world's largest music store, Apple's iTunes, plans to boost the price of many hit singles and selected classic tracks to $1.29 on April 7, breaking the psychological barrier of 99 cents in what could be the first big test of how much consumers are willing to pay to download individual songs.

Although the date for higher prices has not been publicly announced, Apple has been notifying record labels it will go into effect on that date, industry executives said.
~ LA Times

Just letting you know, iTunes Variable Pricing, that while you're raising prices Amazon is lowering their prices. Just sayin'

Oh, and Amazon also gives away FREE indie music samplers online.

Sure, maybe you do stuff like that too iTunes, but I'm just reminding you that you're not the end-all, be-all.

Regards,
Everyone

7 April '09 - Update: Well, it happened today!

Rihanna's song "Disturbia" will set you back $1.29, Carrie Underwood's hit "Home Sweet Home" is taking $1.29 out of your pocket. "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback and "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey are all going to cost you over a buck. But you can still get "Womanizer" by Britney Spears and "I Love College" by Asher Roth for $0.99.

Mixed feelings there.

Now, some songs were supposed to be as cheap as $0.69. Where are those tunes? Well, you can get "I Ran (So Far Away)" by Flock of Seagulls for $0.69. A whole bunch of classic R&B/Motown tunes for $0.69. Also, "Rain King" by the Counting Crows, "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and a live version of Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" is only two quarters, a dime, a nickel and four pennies.

Amazon.com seems to have very similar pricing. We'll see how they react.

Dear ShamWow Guy,

2009-03-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

We've all seen you pitch the ShamWow. You do a pretty awesome job. I can't sleep 'cause your late night infomercials PUMP ME UP. I can't sleep because I want max out my credit cards and buy THIRTY-FUCKING-SHAMWOWS.

Are you on commission? Because you must be making buckets of money.

In fact, word just came out that (a) you make enough money to blow on hookers and (b) you like to get involved with some violent hookers.

Let's get this straight, ShamWow Guy:

You meet a hooker at a Miami club.
Hooker says, "Let's have straight sex."
Apparently you are excited by this proposition.
So excited that you give the hooker $1,000.00 USD in cash.
You kiss this hooker.
In the course of kissing, she bites down on your tongue.
Using your fists, you pound the hooker in the face until she disengages from your tongue.
You run down the lobby (naked? bloody? screaming?)
You and the hooker get arrested.

After digesting these facts, I have two important questions for you:

Have you NOT seen the movie Pretty Woman? I think everyone learned that you don't kiss hookers on the mouth - and certainly not with tongue - unless you Love them.
Did you wipe off your bloodied face with a ShamWow? I sure hope you did!!!

I'll be honest with you, ShamWow Guy, I was on the fence about buying some ShamWows but now I'm definitely buying a ShamWow or fifty.

Your ~~insane~~ amazing hooker stunt is the BEST. MARKETING. PLOY. EVER.

Regards,
Everyone

Dear M. Ward,

2009-03-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

Yah, we get it. You're cool 'cause you play music with Zoey Deschanel and recorded with Norah Jones and Cat Power and Beth Orton and played on stage with Bright Eyes, worked with My Morning Jacket. Blah blah blah.

But let's face it. When you're good, you're good. And good thing all that work with other artists hasn't sapped any of your creative energy from your own records.

Simply put: You are fantastic Sunday morning music.

In fact, you're quite easily fantastic every day music.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Ward

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

2009-03-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

Bring back your boobs.

People pay for these things. Don't go getting all Hollywood anorexic to try to fit in.

Face it: The boobs and hips are the only reason you're famous. Respect that shiz.

Ok fine, Lost In Translation was pretty good too.

Regards,
Everyone

Where the hell did they go?!

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear News Media,

2009-03-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Why do you have to go and be so negative all the time???? Google has over 22,000 employees, they laid off 200. That's nothing. No big deal.

Yet meanwhile, in a time when CEO's of various corporations are taking in over a million in BONUS alone, the founders and CEO's of Google are only paying themselves $1.00 in salary. ONE. DOLLAR.

Yes, I know they get stock and all that stuff, but the stock got crushed this year and they're still taking a dollar salary. These people are doing good in the world, but the news media won't report it. Oh no, that'd be too positive.

No wonder the economy is in crisis.

We highlight the negative money grubbing spenders, the layoffs and the crime, rather than acknowledging the good guys, the ones who are creating jobs, taking $1 salaries and donating money to cure diseases.

I'm not surprised that you're going out of business, News Media.

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by TCFS

Dear The Whitest Boy Alive,

2009-03-27T08:44:00.001-07:00

I like Erlend Øye from Kings of Convenience and therefore I like listening to you:

You have the mellow-ness of Kings of Convenience but the electronic-y goodness that I've come to expect from the Scandinavian region.

Regards,
Everyone

Knowledge:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Whitest_Boy_Alive

Dear Snuggie Pub Crawl,

2009-03-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

Take two ~~insane~~ wonderful things:

1. A snuggie
2. A pub crawl

And we get you, Snuggie Pub Crawl.

What ~~a creepy~~ an incredible idea!

Regards,
Everyone

By the way, I can cut holes in my fleece blanket and make my own damn Snuggie. Just saying. But they are relatively cheap. Anyway, enjoy the informercial:

Dear Newark Liberty International Airport,

2009-03-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Amelia Earhart dedicated your administration building as America's first passenger airline terminal in 1935. For the next four years, you were the world's busiest airport.

Today, the only redeeming quality you have are heat lamps in your Terminal A bus shelters, keeping passengers warm on sub-freezing nights while they wait for a shuttle to take them away from your vile congestion.

You and your surrounding slums make the Garden State the butt of late-night talk show jokes. You greet visitors to the New York area with views of oil refineries and freight yards. Your flights are always delayed, and your food stinks.

And you are dangerous: On Sept. 11, 2001, hijackers walked through your terminal and boarded one of your flights (after that, we added "liberty" to your name).

Unfortunately, 35.4 million of us were forced by cost or convenience to use you in 2008.

It's pretty safe to say that all 35.4 million will agree, "You suck, Newark Liberty International."

Regards,
Everyone

N.B. This open letter submitted by V. Gragnani. Read his blog, Staten Eats.

Dear Los Angeles,

2009-03-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Listen, it's March. The reason why we pay so much goddamn sales tax here and the reason why we pay so much in housing and spend so much time in our cars in traffic is because the weather is supposed to be incredible. Especially here in March.

But what's with this fog and wind the past week or so?

Judging from the warmer weather we're looking at this current week, I'm pleased that you're getting going on that whole "it's-spring-and-almost-summer" thing. Thanks.

Regards,
Everyone

Knoweldge:
10 Day Weather Forecast.

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear Big Screen TV,

2009-03-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

Watch out, 'cause California might ban you!
The California Energy Commission is considering a proposal that would ban California retailers from selling all but the most energy-efficient televisions. Critics say the news standards could take 25 percent of televisions off the market — most of them 40 inches or larger.
~ Brian Joseph // OC Register
Well, now I regret not buying one of you while Circuit City was in its death throes.

And listen to this propaganda that the state of California is spitting out:
How much money can these proposals save?

These proposals can save you $18 to nearly $30 per year per television.
http://www.energy.ca.gov/appliances/tv_faqs.html
Yep,that's it, Big Screen TV. California is willing to sell you out for a savings of $30 per TV, per year.

The world already says it's inefficient to have large SUVs, big gas-guzzling trucks, and big ol' 200-watt light bulbs, the least we can have is you, Big Screen TV. I hope you're with us for a long, long time.

Regards,
Everyone

Do you like your big ass TV? Let the California Energy Commission Commission know how you feel because these regulations might go down sooner than you think: appliances@energy.state.ca.us

Dear Legos,

2009-03-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

Remember a while back when that guy tried to steal a bunch of you? Do you know why that is?

BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Seriously, go take a look at yourself. Even at Wal-Mart a 40 piece set costs, like, a million dollars.

In this economy, how are mothers and fathers supposed to teach their kids about spatial relationships and the value of sturdy, steadfast construction?

Screw paying for you, I'm going to Wal Mart and stealing boxes of the Childhood Memories(tm) that are rightfully mine.

Regards,
Everyone

Disclaimer: Regards, Everyone certainly does advocate the stealing of Childhood Memories(tm).

$200,000.00 worth of Legos might build you a small fire station:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10200275/

Dear Prius Drivers,

2009-03-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

Some people are aggressive drivers. Some people are cautious drivers. Some people are safe drivers. Some people are respectful drivers. But I have never seen someone drive in a self-righteous way until I saw you, Prius Driver.

We get it. You spent the extra money to buy this fuel-efficient - but costly - motor vehicle. After all, if you don't, who will?

So, you drive with this smug self-righteousness:

You drive the speed limit. Exactly the speed limit. Not a mph faster, not a mph slower.

You leave at least 4 car-lengths between your Precious Prius and the car in front of you.

You don't run through yellow lights.

You make full and complete stops.

You park on the side of Wilshire during the time you're not supposed to park and just casually flip on your hazard lights thus ensuring people see your self-righteousness. As if to say, "Look at me. I'm driving a Prius and holding up goddamn traffic."

You have some sort of nut-case liberal sticker on the back that make normal Democrats cringe and make Republicans want to stockpile more guns.

You have this smug look on your face at the gas station when you visit the pump for the first time this month.

You have the right of way. Every way. Every time.

UPDATE: You get in a fender-bender with another car and you step out of the car and yell at the other driver: "I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A GODDAMN ACCIDENT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! EVER." Woah there, Prius Driver, we get it. You are a perfect driver. You can do no wrong.

UPDATE (5 August 2009): You creep all the way into a busy intersection trying to make a left turn without any regard for the oncoming traffic speeding at you at 40mph. But you have to make the left turn. You deserve to make people slam on their brakes so you can make that turn. Asshole.

The list goes on and on.

We get it, Prius Driver. You're single-handedly saving the world.

Screw you.

Regards,
Everyone

Tell me about your experiences with a smug, self-righteous Prius Driver!

Dear Space Bat,

2009-03-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Rest in peace, Space Bat. You are a hero among bats.

Regards,
Everyone

From NASA: "Bat Hung onto Shuttle During Liftoff"

A bat that was clinging to space shuttle Discovery’s external fuel tank during the countdown to launch the STS-119 mission remained with the spacecraft as it cleared the tower, analysts at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center concluded.

Dear New Vitamin Water Flavors,

2009-03-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

You guys taste pretty delicious! You are especially helpful during hangovers.

Interesting to point that - at the time of publication - you are not officially on the Vitamin Water web site!

How mysterious!

Regards,
Everyone

Vitamin Water Sync (Berry-Cherry; "Download of vitamins and antioxidants") and Tranquilo (Tamarind and Pineapple; "A+C+E"). Here they are in captivity as found at my local 7-Eleven convenience store:

N.B. Photo taken with my Canon PowerShot SD1100IS.

Dear March Madness (Round 1),

2009-03-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Here are some lessons that I have learned:

1. Never, EVER trust a basketball team from Utah. Those crazy Mormons at BYU got smoked by Texas A&M; Utah was allegedly seeded higher than Arizona but we now know that was a mistake; Utah St. was giving Marquette a run for its money but couldn't secure the win.

2. Don't underestimate teams from Arizona.

3. West Virginia ... thanks for playing.

4. There was finally some excitement in round one with some overtime action in the Ohio State-Siena game and the Florida St.-Wisconsin matchup.

5. Three out of the four 12 seeds beat the 5 seeds. How often does that happen?

Onwards to round two!

Regards,
Everyone

Is this your bracket?

Dear Drinking With Friends,

2009-03-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently you are good for me:
"The study of Japanese men years found that moderate to light alcohol consumption, coupled with high levels of social support, were linked to lower rates of heart disease and stroke."
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29779755/
Friends? Alcohol? Weekend? Hurry up, Friday. Let's do this.

Regards,
Everyone